That's me........

This guy is totally an alcoholic with a good move. I only did this once , but its classic. I use to wait for people to dance then I would steal their drinks. The bartender didn't care because they would by more. I don't have to do that anymore because I am sober today. Which is a result of my God, AA, and calling other alcoholics.

Humility

I went to the dentist Tuesday because my front tooth was loose. I had a front tooth knocked out when I was younger playing baseball. It was basically a bad bunt. Anyways the dentist broke the post and looked at me in horror. He knew that this would cost me $700.00 + dollars and somehow blamed it on dentist who had put it in 25 years ago. I had to deal with one tooth missing for a day 1/2 and I found true humility fast. I didn't show my kids, because I didn't want them to have a bad memory of me. I didn't want to be around anyone and especially a mirror. I went a endo..... today and he removed the post. I was happy to avoid the cost of a implant. The dentist put a new post in and a temporary cap. The damage with insurance $698.00. It could have been worse and for that I thank god.

Nakeed Thursday

Sorry I had no choice.

Urinals

Need I say more..

Ancient Brewery

An ancient brewery from a vanished empire was staffed by elite women who were selected for their beauty or nobility, a new study concludes. The finding adds to other evidence that women played a more crucial role in ancient Andean societies than history books have stated. It may also in some ways reflect modern drinking traditions in the Andean mountains, where women get drunk as much as men, researchers say. The brewery, on a mountaintop in southern Peru, cranked out hundreds of gallons of beer every week. The 1,000-year-old facility was part of the Wari empire, which predated the Incas.

Mojo Georgo

Who will save us the Power Puff Girls???

4th Step Collection

I was looking at all the fourth step guides, graphs, charts, outlines, verbiage, examples, forms, right ways, wrong ways etc in my 1 1/2" file folder. I almost felt a little confused on what the 4th step was after reviewing all of this information. Ok my part, your part, their part, and gods part, its finally becoming more clear. My part is the problem that I have in the 4th step. If removed, my 4th step can be easily achieved. Am I the victim in this life of mine or just a person who's yard encompasses a city block. I have decided to go back to Pg.65 of "The Big Book" and see how this really works...

As the American flag is folded, each fold has a different meaning. Those meanings are:

The first fold is a symbol of life. The second fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life. The third fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veteran departing our ranks and who gave a portion of life for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world. The fourth fold represents our weaker nature; for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in times of war for his divine guidance. The fifth fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, "Our country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right, but it is still our country, right or wrong." The sixth fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that we pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. The seventh fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic. The eighth fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day, and to honor our mother, for whom it flies on Mothers Day. The ninth fold is a tribute to womanhood, for it has been through their faith, love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great have been molded. The tenth fold is a tribute to father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of our country since he or she was first born. The eleventh fold, in the eyes of Hebrew citizens, represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies, in their eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The twelfth fold, in the eyes of a Christian citizen, represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in their eyes, God the Father, the Son and Holy Ghost. When the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost, reminding us of our national motto, "In God We Trust." After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington and the sailors and marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for us the rights, privileges, and freedoms we enjoy today.

Worn Out

I spent all weekend painting rooms in my house. I woke up this morning and could barely move. My hands were frozen in a backwards C shape and could only be used as some type of holder. My body feels like I was tossed out of a pick up truck going 100mph. I hate any type of paint, painting, brushes, rollers, walls. I could just barely tolerate my wife's nagging prior to this happening and now it feels like she is in my head screaming. Please stop............

Near the Downward Spiral

I found out that my liver enzymes were elevated 3 years prior to becoming sober. I told myself I was going to cut back, and after the first 6 pack then 12 pack, the cutting back turned from today to tomorrow, than next week. I then became convinced that I was going to die, so I might as well enjoy myself by drinking. I was dying alright, that is dying inside. The good thing is the liver may heal and maybe I will to.

INTERNET LINGO

Naakad Thursdah

I took a photo of my hand, foot, arm and I said what the hell... Warning NUDITY. Has Got to be from France...

Why....

Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery: 1)We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. 2)Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3)Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4) 4) 4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)...

CARWASH

HOT CarWash Video!

The Chinese "RABBIT"

You'll have purchases to make for your children or your house, and money will come to you at just the right moment. If there are problems that put you in opposition to your beloved one, you'll be in a position to solve them. You'll enjoy good health, what luck! Don't take any medicine that isn't prescribed to you by your doctor. All will go well if you let yourself be carried away by the waves and seize the good opportunities that are presented to you, but don't ask yourself too many questions.

North Korea Urges Women to Wear Dresses

SEOUL, South Korea - North Korea's communist government is urging women in the country to wear traditional Korean clothes instead of pants, according to a North Korean monthly magazine. "Keeping alive our dress style is a very important political issue to adhere to specific national cultural traditions at a time when the U.S. imperialists are maneuvering to spread the rotten bourgeois lifestyle inside North Korea," the Joson Yeosung (Woman) magazine said, according to South Korea's Yonhap news agency. The magazine said exotic dress dampens the revolutionary atmosphere in society and blurs national sentiment and asked the public to reject clothes that aren't North Korean style. Instead, it counsels women to wear Hanbok — the brightly colored, loose-fitting dresses that are traditional in the Koreas.The campaign comes as North Korea struggles to tighten its control over an influx of outside influences, which it claims is part of a U.S. psychological offensive aimed at toppling the communist regime — a charge Washington denies. Early this year, the North also launched a social campaign against men with long hair, calling them unhygienic, anti-socialist fools. The North, which demands unquestioning allegiance of its citizens and controls all media, has stepped up the ideological education of its people to counter outside influences. However, the country's loosely controlled border with China has led recently to increased traffic in smuggled recordings of music and videos from the outside.

Why France is Burning

Great article on why France is burning.

The little man

I had a bad business meeting today. My client who I was suppose to meet with had a business emergency to attend. So he passed me to a guy who was just not willing to give me the info I needed. So, I cut the meeting short and thanked him. He then told me he had his own business emergencies to attend and seemed happy that we were done. I called my boss and he was spiting fire. Then the 5,000 questions began the interrogation. I felt as if I was a failure. How could a midget throw so many blows. Fuck him. He changed our insurance to $1000.00 deductible per person, that's $5,000.00. He is 90 days late on reimbursing my expenses totaling $7,000.00. So, I told him I took $10,000.00 out of my retirement to cover the bills and all the little bastard could say was "you got to do what you got to do". I don't get him at all.

My Head My Program

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves...... NO 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs......NO

Butt Boys

Butt Boys
Originally uploaded by lash505.

I don't know what to think about this...

"We do not torture"

Bush: "We do not torture" 40 minutes ago PANAMA CITY (Reuters) - U.S. President George W. Bush said on Monday "we do not torture" and defended his administration's efforts to stop the U.S. Congress from imposing rules on the handling of terrorism suspects.

I went to church today to find my higher power....

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The Bunny From Hell

The prognosis of the bunny is not good. The hind leg is possibly infected in the joint. The bunny is at the vet, they called us today and said it would be an additional $400.00 with medication to due the blood test need to confirm the bunny's fate. If the infection is bad the back leg will be amputated at an additional cost. I told the vet look we have done everything financial we could, we have already paid $300.00 in medical costs for this bunny. In addition we only had the bunny three days prior to all this shit happening. This vet does all the work for the pet store and is probably the top veterinarian in SoCAl. I asked what are the options and she told me the pet store told her that they would be willing to give me a new bunny and they would take care of the current bunny. After my whole family cried on the decision I told her to give the bunny back to the pet store. The hell with getting a new bunny.

Rebellion Dogs

A whole lifetime geared to self-centeredness cannot be set in reverse all at once. Rebellion dogs our every step at first. When we have finally admitted without reservation that we are powerless over alcohol, we are apt to breathe a sigh of relief, saying, "Well, thank God that's over! I'll never have to go through that again!" Then we learn, often to our consternation, that this is only the first milestone on the new road we are walking. Reprinted from Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Page 73, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.

Dictionary definition for “dry drunk”

dry drunk n. a sober person who behaves as if drunk, esp. a recovering alcoholic who displays bad judgment; such behavior. I hate the term DRY Drunk it sounds so awful. This is a fear I have becoming in sobriety. I know if I work the steps, go to meetings and remain honest I will not become a dry drunk. I spent most of my life being miserable and there is no way I am going to be miserable in sobriety.

Step Study Step 1

I try to read this step everyday if possible. It always takes me back to when I hit my bottom and lost complete control of my life. The alcohol didn't work for me regardless of how much I drank. I had been drinking everyday just to survive and finally my hands would not stop shaking. The alcohol no longer was working for the pain and fear I felt inside. I was begging God to take my life and at the same time pleading for him to help me. My life had become unmanageable and for the first I had a willingness to stop drinking. I entered a rehab center and spent 5 days in detox and an additional 28 1/2 days in their program. They introduced me to AA and it was there that I learned of the steps. I completed step 1 in rehab and again with my sponsor after I got out.

I swear this is my grandmother. She and my uncle told me early on the only way to cure a hangover is to have another drink. I tried to practice this principle in my daily affairs.

Gratitude Today

1) I am thankful I'm not alone. 2) My boys love me now and don't try to distance themselves from me. 3) They laugh now instead of cry or withdraw. 4) I am sober today. 5) I have a god in my life most of the time. 6) I half a roof over my families head and food on the table. 7) I have a Job. 8) I am not dead. 9) My kids aren't on the streets. 10) my wife gave me a second chance. 11) God Gave me a second chance. 12) I feel like my memory and cerebral activity is regenerating. 13) I am thankful for AA.

No Excuse

“The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, 'Are you gonna drink that'?" Robert G. eschewing the philosophical for the practical. “You’re paying off like the world’s worst slot machine.” Rick E. watching his friend regurgitate expensive scotch outside the Whiskey Bar. “You have abused the right to say something stupid.” Tom B. in Orlando after getting his fill of his barstool neighbor. “I tried drinking myself to death. Now I have to get my health back just so I’ll have the strength to jump in front of a bus.” Tracy M. switches mortal gears in Manhattan, KS. “The damn wagon’s too crowded anyway.” Anonymous drunk about to take a fall in front of the Lions Lair Lounge. “The drinking will continue until you show a dramatic improvement in attitude.” Sandy T., 28, addressing her “uppity” liver at the Cockpit Lounge. “Everybody gets fucked over by the world sooner or later. It just happened to you a little sooner than you probably expected.” Bonnie B. comforting a heartbroken friend at the Squire Lounge.

Nakkad Thursday

My feet are the ugliest of all my extremities.

Trying

Thanks! I had a whirl wind yesterday and today that about knocked me off my feet. As I was driving home tonight I had a taste of whiskey in my mouth, but it was all in my head. I was so deep in my head I was thinking about alcohol and how bad everything was, that I was in very dangerous territory. This is a place I haven't been but just a few times in 1 1/2 years of sobriety. However the urge to drink was much greater this time. As I kept driving I grasped the steering wheel as tight as I could as if to hold on. I called my sponsor who wasn't home but I knew it wouldn't be long before he would call me back. I called another person who made me fill a little better. When I got to my office I felt like curling up on the floor and I didn't want to go home. My sponsor called and made me feel like I wasn't alone and reminded me of what it was like a year and a half ago and where I am today. The gratitude part I didn't want to hear but I listened. He told me to go home, for today is only a day and right now I was sober. A drink would solve my problems for a second and all I have built back in a year and half would lay in ruins. I have realized I can't make it sober alone. I am home now and I will go to sleep early and pray.

Dinner

I went to dinner tonight with my wife and our company's east coast VP. We ate at a nice Italian restaurant and both of them discussing what type of wine to order. After my day, a nice big glass of wine sounded like a good idea. They talked about a bottle I felt like that was a good start, but then they decided on just a glass. I just couldn't understand that for some reason. A glass of wine seems like just not enough, either did just one bottle. The obsession for alcohol is alive and well inside me. I am an alcoholic.

Stress

I have one of the VP's from the east coast coming today for a business meeting. I am going to try my best not to fuck with him. He wants to stay at our house tonight, which has caused arguments with my wife and I. I have known him for 20 years and to tell him to get a hotel room would probably make him cry. So, I cleaned up the house last night since he is my guest. My wife seemed happy last night after she saw that I cleaned the house. One less thing for me to be stress out about today.

Halloween

This the one of the promises that AA talks about; I get to be with my kids on Halloween Sober.

Rat Monster

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Bad Mood

Minnie, must have been a bitch that day when it came to getting your photograph with her.

Painting

Well, I painted all weekend for my wife and I guess for me. I am very tired and worn and my body seems to let me know that a lot more now that I am not 20. I went to the meeting tonight and shared. What I shared about was not a lot, because I was exhausted. I am going to bed because I am getting tired just typing......

Heliport Alert

There is a possible terrorist lurking around your heliport.

Moods

I guess I just have been in a shitty negative mood lately. I think it has something to do with a lack of meetings. When I go to at least three meetings a week I feel a lot better. For the last couple weeks I have been attending two meetings a week. I have commitments in and outside the program, which keep my time well occupied. On top of it I have my kids who use to not want to come near me and now I can't get rid of them. My wife and I have been getting along better but we still need work to harder. I was thinking about going down on early Saturday mornings to talk with people in detox at the rehab center I went to. I was asked by one of the head counselors to do this a couple months ago, but I had another personal commitment at the time. I feel more grounded and confident in my program , enough so that I can start carrying the message more in my life. It wasn't long ago I had absolutely no trust in AA. When I was 12 years old my Dad went and picked up his year chip, I made a drink for him for the ride. We celebrated at the Playboy Club where he was drunk on the dance floor french kissing another woman while I watched with my mom and brother and sisters. As the years passed the same pattern continued, so therefore to me AA was a social club. He still drinks, but doesn't pick up chips.

Recovery

Reflecting on what had happen in my first year of sobriety makes me feel like there is no way I could go through it again. The world was a strange place when I got sober. My fears would follow me with each step I took and would pounce on me at any second. Everything I would do felt un-natural even in the simplest task. Basically the new skin was cutting off my ability to breathe. I remembered one thing from rehab, you have to give sobriety the same energy and effort you did for your addiction. I struggled to do this on a daily basis but as the time passed it became a little easier and my new skin felt a little more worn and I was able to breath. The places now where I walk could become unstable, but as long as I attend meetings on a regular basis, call another alcoholic, finish the steps and pray to God, the odds that I don't pick up a drink are good. I will take those odds.

Step Study

I went to step study tonight and I was looking forward to it, because I thought we were on step one. I even told my sponsor who seemed to want to go, because it was step one. Then as we started, I realized we were on the 2nd half step 12. I felt pissed off and began to fill up with resentments. It was only until I started to hear what other's were reading and began start seeing the parallels in my life that then the anger left. As the reading continued my whole day began to unravel. Earlier today my wife told me this morning that she is sick of having four boys around and my sponsor said I have been doing really doing good job in my program. I am an alcoholic and the only place for me is at a meeting.

Sex Education For My Son

So I need to tell you about sex, ok. In this picture the lighter area is the opening of of a girl's vagina the darker area is the girl's cave where she hides the eggs. The white tadpole comes out of your penis. If the white tadpole swims to the darker area and finds an egg your fucked and so is she. If you stick your penis in a girl's vagina prior to turning 20 years, your mother will cut your penis off.

Naked Thursday

I was on the red bike and a differnt street.

Big Moma

I think I am going to get back into hunting birds and maybe use my dog to fetch.

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Damn Bunny

We got a $150.00 dwarf bunny for my son's birthday on Sunday. Two days later my wife notices while the bunny is hopping around that it is not putting one of it's hind legs down. She takes it to the vet and they tell her the bunny needs an $150.00 x-ray. She called the Pet store and the store manager said the only thing that he could do is replace the bunny with another, however we would have to wait a week till more came in. My wife called me panicking and she explained the whole thing, I was thinking of rabbit stew. However we agreed to the Vet it was, and 2 hours later $150.00 xray $200.00 shots and medication ( no broken leg just inflamed). Everyone is happy now except for me because that ass hole rabbit just cost me $500.00.

The Buffalo Theory

"Well you see, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers...."

News, What News

George Clooney says he considered killing himself because the pain from a movie injury was so great. I will give you some fucking pain you baby! I hate actors. Boss threatens DNA tests over gum what a dick. I thought my boss was bad, I will take some gratitude on that one. Chimp "Dinner Conversation" Proof of Ape Speech? Oh so thats what George W. Bush was saying.

This is my bitch...

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DICTIONARY

so•ber Pronunciation: (sō'bur), [key] —adj., -er, -est,—v. —adj. 1. not intoxicated or drunk. 2. habitually temperate, esp. in the use of liquor. 3. quiet or sedate in demeanor, as persons. 4. marked by seriousness, gravity, solemnity, etc., as of demeanor, speech, etc.: a sober occasion. 5. subdued in tone, as color; 6. free from excess, extravagance, or exaggeration: sober facts. 7. showing self-control: sober restraint. 8. sane or rational: a sober solution to the problem Being Sober Doesn't Just Mean Not Drinking

Field Sobriety

STATE OF CALIFORNIA NARRATIVE/SUPPLEMENTAL DATE TIME NCIC NUMBER OFFICER'S I.D. 12/09/2004 2150 9250 12602 FIELD SOBRIETY TEST (FST'Sj: MODIFIED POSITION OF ATTENTION: SUBJECT (MARGUERITE MALAJN JR.) WAS ASKED TO STAND WITH HER HANDS AT HER SIDE, CLOSE HER EYES AND TILT HER HEAD BACK AND ESTIMATE 30 SECONDS, AND WHEN DONE TO JUST OPEN HER EYES AND LOOK BACK AT ME. SUBJECT (MARGUERITE MALAIN JR.) WAS ASKED IF SHE UNDERSTOOD THE TEST AND SHE STATED YES. SUBJECT (MARGUERITE MALAIN JR.) STARTED THE TEST AND WAS UNABLE TO STAND AT ALL WITHOUT SWAYING AND ALMOST FALLING OVER, I HAD TO PHYSICALLY GRAB HER TO KEEP HER FROM FALLING. LEG RAISE: SUBJECT (MARGUERITE MALAIN JR.) WAS ASKED TO RAISE WHICH EVER LEG SHE WANTED TO APPROXIMATELY 6" OFF THE GROUND AND STAND WITH HER HANDS AT HER SIDE. LOOK AT HER FOOT AND COUNT FROM 1-30. SUBJECT (MARGUERITE MALAIN JR.) WAS ASKED IF SHE UNDERSTOOD THE TEST AND SHE STATED YES. SUBJECT (MARGUERITE MALAIN JR.) START ED THE TEST BY RAISING HER LEFT LEG OFF THE GROUND AND WAS UNABLE 10 MAKE IT TO THE COUNT OF 5. SHE TRIED IT SEVERAL TIMES AND COULD NOT COMPLETE THE TEST. WALK HEEL TO TOE: SUBJECT (MARGUERITE MALAIN JR.) WAS ASKED TO WALK HEEL TO TOE, WITH HER HANDS AT HER SIDE NINE STEPS OUT AND TURN AROUND AND WALK NINE STEPS BACK. SUBJECT (MARGUERITE MALAIN JR.) WAS ASKED IF SUE UNDERSTOOI) THE TEST AND SHE STATED YES. SUBJECT (MARGUERITE MAIAIN JR.) STARTED THE TEST AND WALKED OUT UNTIL I FINALLY STOPPED HER WITH 6" GAPS BETWEEN EACH STEP AND SWAYING FROM S1DE TO SIDE TRYING TO KEEP HER BALANCE. REFER TO COLLISION #12/09/99-2120- 9250-12602 ON FILE AT THE NORTH SACRAMENTO CHP OFFICE FOR FURTHER INFORMATION. I am glad I don't have to worry about this happening to me today.

Just Keep Playing

Bush needs to play follow the monkey with Chenney right out of the Whitehouse.

Insurgents of A Different Breed

Iraq now is having problems with a different type of insurgent one driven by capitialism and greed. The armed clowns have taken up key retail sites in Baghdad. They have been seen removing long term tenants and street vendors by gunpoint. One Bagdad resident Khalil Dulaimi, was shouting "Who is worse Saddam or Ronald."

12 STEPS

"What is SOS? SOS takes a self-empowerment approach to recovery and maintains that sobriety is a separate issue from all else. SOS addresses sobriety (abstinence) as “Priority One, no matter what!” SOS credits the individual for achieving and maintaining his or her own sobriety. SOS respects recovery in any form, regardless of the path by which it is achieved. It is not opposed to or in competition with any other recovery programs. SOS supports healthy skepticism and encourages the use of the scientific method to understand alcoholism." This is basically the method I having been using and I still feel like shit. For me the only answers lie in my higher power God and the 12 of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have been working on my fourth step and I am not yet finished. SOS my ass.....

What the Hell

For some reason this guy seems to be running a better recovery program than me. His relationship rebuilding skills with his wife are un-matched. Unfortunately, I would be the one pulling the cart in our relationship. Better yet this looks like an Amish Alcoholic heading to the liquour store.

Birthday

It is my son's birthday today and he is nine. He wanted a dwarf rabbit and of course I said no. However I lost the family vote of 4 to 1 and my wife picked it out last week. They picked it up this morning and it is cute for a rat with long ears and a stub tail. I am sure that the rabbit will begin to bond with me in some way. I just know its a matter of time before my lab gets the rabbit. So now my head was to start preparing for what will be a traumatic event. I use to drink over things like this, however today with the strength of god and the program of AA I don't need to pick up that drink. I called to order the cake and decided I was going to change the color of the circle and triangle logo. The circled filled in blue and the triangle filled in green. That is probably going to look strange, but were are all pretty much strange characters. I went to the meeting early to drop off the cake. I saw two guys there and I told them I was going to a movie with my family, because my son asked me. He asked me last year, but I only had 5 months of sobriety and a meeting sounded better. I always wasn't there for him in the past and today I was.

Kids are Killing Me

I have cleaned the toilet seat about 12 times today. What the hell is wrong with all the kids aim. I guess the damn doctors in this area do not know how to perform a centered circumcision. These kids are non-stop sugar mongrels. It is going to be a late night and the last of the sleep overs. There are 5 kids left and its getting late, please get home sick. I use to pee on a lot of seats when I was drinking or should I say a lot of floors. However, I at least had the decency to wipe the seat off.

Tro Virus + Birthday

I had to battle a virus on my laptop. A friend sent me a file to down load and blam the battle was on. I won in the end or did I? My oldest son's birthday party is still going on because it includes a sleep over, for three of the his friends. What the hell was my wife thinking. I have an idea to tell a ghost story to them that is so scary that they will all start crying and want to go home.

Family Trip

My mom, brother and three sisters haven't seen me or my family in almost two years. They are hounding me to come, so they can see Mr. Happy joyous and free and family. Fuck the joyous part. The sad thing is my kids don't really know their cousins on my side. I guess I am to blame, I am not ready to face my father. I really have no desire to see a man who calls himself my father because in my heart my father died a long time ago. I have made a promise to myself when he dies I will spit in his grave. He still drinks however his son is sober and his grandchildren see a sober father now. The chain under these circumstances should be broken. However I feel it has not.

12th Step

No, I am not currently on this step, I was at step study tonight and this is the one we are on. I have been feeling like I haven't progressing the way some people have in the program. I don't have an armada of sponcee's like other people. I was feeling like shit while we were taking turns reading. I was thinking "what is your service back to the program you self centered bastard your not sponsoring anyone". Then came the magical words "For some there is other types of 12 step work like the commitments" ok that's me but why don't I feel better. Made its in my head, but sometimes it feels as though I am trying to climb a corporate ladder.

Wilma is an ASSHOLE

All my redneck family members who live near the Florida Swamps are fucked. Words of advice; Tie your asses tight to the pine trees.

Nakad Thursday

Yikes... I hope you have had breakfast...

Bubble Boy

I don't know if I would every get tired of dragging little George around bubble land. I am sure a lot of military moms would feel the same.

Memory What Memory

Thanks for the step pep talk however having a memory like mine I forgot. Maybe I have already finished the 4th step but some how have forgotten. I doubt it. I have heard people say you feel so much better after the 4th step. Sometimes I really don't believe that it could be so easy. Bottomline is I'm not ready to put down the 2 by 4. Again thanks!

Today

This photo resembled my day (I am kicking my boss, as my three boys are buzzing my head). My boss proves again that he is the biggest asshole and my kids are driving me insane. Nobody seems to be listening to me. Today I felt like drinking and getting away from it all. I surely would destroy what has taken me a 1 1/2 years to rebuild. The destruction would be evident in just one day, one hour, one minute. I prayed to god to help me stay sober today.

Higher Power

"What is this but a miracle of healing? Yet its element are simple. Circumstances made him willing to believe. He humbly offered himself to his maker-then he knew" Big Book. Since the Dale ego class is over my sponsor believes it is necessary for my Monday night to be filled. I am back at a bible class with my sponsor. I had been going with him per his direction. I really didn't like it at all because I had taken a religion classes from grade school thru college. I was taught by Jesuits, had 3 years of Latin, and read the bible cover to cover. Still I went as directed. The good thing about going is that I hear the word GOD and not my name. The preachers views, I can disagree with and that's ok. The bible has been rewritten multiple times through the years so that we might understand the words used. Therefore interpreting is left to ones own perception. THE ARAMAIC PRAYER OF JESUS (The Lord's Prayer) ~ as translated from the Aramaic by Saadi Neil Douglas-Klotz of the Sufi Order of the West ~ O, Birther of the Cosmos, focus your light within us -- make it useful Create your reign of unity now Your one desire then acts with ours, As in all light, So in all forms, Grant us what we need each day in bread and insight: Loose the cords of mistakes binding us, As we release the strands we hold of other's guilt. Don't let surface things delude us, But free us from what holds us back. From you is born all ruling will, The power and the life to do, The song that beautifies all, From age to age it renews. I affirm this with my whole being.

I Hate The Rain

The rain with out lighting is depressing. I feel like leaving my office early and going home. The weather feels like fall. I need to call my firewood guy. I lent him a thousand dollars 1 1/2 years ago and he paid it back late. Maybe he will let me make payments, since my wife used all our money for the month on a personal trainer at the gym.

Sunday Night Meeting

After hearing a few who spoke I felt like killing them. I may have a problem with staying on my side street that I admit. It becomes a problem to me because I own the fuck’in development. So basically you street is now mine and so forth. I also wonder what the changes would have been if I was still drinking. Would I be ahead in my job still drinking? The answer would be yes because my job is to entertain. That means taking some people out and get them drunk, take them to a strip bar and try to get the client to fuck a whore. Then you have them by their ball. Meet the family the wife and you seal the deal on contracts from then on. Something I need to think about. I am trying to do it the spiritual way but I keep coming up an angel short. Now that Dale class is over, I am going back to the Monday night bible study with my sponsor and banjo bob begrudgingly. I just keep my mouth shut and do what I am told. I think I have been killing my brain cells by keeping my mouth shut. Maybe I should let the real me show for a while.

Big Biker / Great Soccer

My son and I saw this biker on the way to his soccer game. Wow he has got to be Guinness material. The guy literally could have got off his motorcycle and flip my SUV over on its side. We were laughing not at him, but of how scared we were of him. When we pulled along side of him my son ducked down in the back seat. My son scored two goals today and played the best he has ever played. It must be because I practice with him. Nah

Movie Night

My wife and I saw a movie tonight A History of Violence. It was pretty good not the four stars it was rated. We had dinner prior to the movie at a New Mexican restaurant it had one of the best mariachi bands I have ever heard. They sounded like professionals not your typical street peddlers. The manager introduced Himself; he looked as though he could have been an architect from Mexico City. He had white shoulder length hair well groomed and well dressed. My wife and I sat and talked about the kids. There seems still not much for us to talk about. We need to spend time together but it seems we just can't find the time. We also for the first time I can recall not having that much in common anymore. I don't now if it’s that I have changed since 1 1/2 years, or her from the last 6 years. We are trying and hopefully something will break for us. If we stay together if not for us then at least for the boys.

Movie Night

My wife and I saw a movie tonight A History of Violence. It was pretty good not the four stars it was rated. We had dinner prior to the movie at a New Mexican restaurant it had one of the best mariachi bands I have ever heard. They sounded like professionals not your typical street peddlers. The manager introduced Himself; he looked as though he could have been an architect from Mexico City. He had white shoulder length hair well groomed and well dressed. My wife and I sat and talked about the kids. There seems still not much for us to talk about. We need to spend time together but it seems we just can't find the time. We also for the first time I can recall not having that much in common anymore. I don't now if it’s that I have changed since 1 1/2 years, or her from the last 6 years. We are trying and hopefully something will break for us. If we stay together if not for us then at least for the boys.

Double Addiction in One

This is just what someone needs who drinks in a non-smoking establishment Nicotine Beer. What next do we have to do as a society to keep people addicted.

4th Step

I am back working on my fourth step and even set a deadline of next Friday. I finally have enough time to be able to work on it, since the Carnegie ego class is over. I have spent a large amount of time throwing all my emotional energy to each task and by the end of each task I am emotionally drained. The character defects are becoming a problem with my wife, kids and my job. I am not staying on my side of the street and the resentments are growing. Just like me to wait to take a personal/moral inventory. I plan to go to the 1st place I went after getting out of rehab. Its up on a small mountain and you can see the ocean. It’s an abbey with monks that walk the grounds most from different countries. I enjoy walking the 2 mile Stations of the Cross path it has steep cliffs and strong ocean breezes. It’s a place where no one is around except for my god. The masses are in Latin and instead of singing the monks chant. I took 2 years of Latin in high school and remember enough to get me by. I feel good after writing this and I think I will put some pen to paper.

Alone

The feeling of being alone started early in my life and became more prevalent as I grew up with an alcoholic father. The emptyness followed me into the early teens when I felt that I was a lot different than other people. I was unhappy and scared with the life given to me. I always hoped that some alien beings would take me away from the loneliness and pain. They would take me to a place where I deserved to be, a place where I would be happy. The alien I found was not a green man but from a green bottle. The pain was gone and the person hidden so long inside emerged. They were fun years. The fun ended when all the feelings returned and there was no hope for me because it was in control. One day I needed the green bottle because my hands were shaking so badly and this time it didn't work and I couldn't take a sip. I asked a god to take my life and instead he gave me life and sent me to rehab. I have a good life now the fear and loneliness are manageable. The only aliens I know now are in my head.

Naked Thursday

I wonder if anyone can find me in this picture.

I have been having weird nightmares lately about people who have died in my life. They are hanging around me if to say something, but they never do. It's like someone that comes up to you and says nah and turns around and walks away. I hope this isn't some strange death message. The good thing is that their not trying to give me a bottle of Crown Royal, because I would be joining them soon. Maybe it’s because I am just not working the program as well as I should be or just that I need to go to a couple more meetings a week. What ever the reason god knows that they weren't even close to the ones I had in detox. The detoxing off of alcohol was bad but the barbituates (pills) detox about killed me 3 weeks later. Everything is better than a year and half ago and I am sober.

This Guy Needs a AA meeting

Tonights meeting is coming up so, SAVE A SEAT for this guy. My oldest son hurt his arm yesterday, but wasn't acting like it was bad. Today at school he was really complaining so we took him to the pediatrician and got an X-ray now we are waiting to see if its broken. If it is broken, that will mean one of us has a long night ahead because we will have to take him to Children's Hospital. I got into a fight with my wife who's yelling voice seems to really get under my skin when I am sick. So like an alcoholic I began to push with her buttons until she was really mad. I then gave up the fight and apologized. Finally she is normal again and I still have not learned to keep my mouth shut.

Dog to the Vet

"A cat attacked George W, after he proposed closing FEMA run shelters for displaced animals from Hurricane Katrina". I took our Lab to the Vet tonight because of a bad rash around her neck. She gets it every year because of the Santa Anna winds. The new vet loved her and said she was a happy dog. That made me feel good because when I was drinking she was always scared of me. My lab ended up with a couple shots and some pills she needs to take for 2 weeks. I think she cares for me more than anyone else in my family.

Sick Day

I received an unexpected virus that is whipping my ass today. I had to call a client today to reschedule our meeting. This makes me uncomfortable, because that's what I use to do on a regular basis. My wife would call in sick for me a least a couple times a week. The kids made a great excuse for me too. I blamed them all the time. My company thought there was something wrong with my immune system. I became a running joke at the office, because I was always sick. I changed tactics and made up clients or jobsites that I was at. I sure knew how to protect my drinking. I don't have to do all that today. I can take care of myself with rest and fluids and a cup of soup and saltine crackers. I am sober today because of god and alcoholics anonymous.

Last Night of the Dale Class

Well I screwed this up, my last few brain cells decided to stop comunication. I tried to memorize a 7 minute presentation, what a mistake. On top of it all I was finally struck with the Virus that has plagued my boys. This is the first time I have really felt sick since I have been sober. Bottom line is that I should have been better prepared. I have a problem working a program that tells me a big ego is bad and at the same time taking a class that promotes a big ego. I am just trying as hard as I can to build up the relationship that I damaged from drinking. I don't need to have a large ego because for someone like me it's dangerous. I am thankful I didn't drink over it.

Last Night Meeting

I made a complete ass out of myself last night at the meeting. I got up to speak and there was nothing coming to my head. I spoke of bullshit like I hated the Dale class and I went to my kids soccer game bla bla bla. Nothing of the program and I sound like a fearful child or worse yet a mindless airhead. Its the result of everyone talking about their fathers and how wonderful the relationship is now. Not me

Katrina

George was delayed in going down to New Orleans. What is the deal with presidential blow jobs? George upped Clinton by taking it in the ass! Some friends of mine just got back from Biloxi and sound like hell. They were roofing and framing homes in a complete effort to rebuild. They said FEMA is really trying hard despite the media's lack of reporting the truth. How do you prepare for something this massive? I really don't think you can.  Half the time they were removing mud and raw sewage. The smell they said was just nauseating like nothing they have ever smelled before. All of them are sick with a respiratory problems. They are going to the doctor today. They said it was from black mold a result of water/raw sewage sitting in the homes they were working on. They all said they are going back in a month. All of them sound like different people from when they left. They said a word I know all to well gratitude.    

Control

My control over life is just imaginary. The true absolute control of life is held by god. I need to remember this on a daily basis. This also works when I have given someone control over me. I tell myself its just imaginary which deflates alot of the power I had given them. I find myself taking things back from god because I truly had not finshed. The world is a better place with out me in control that for damn sure. We had our neighbors over for dinner tonight. Everyone was drinking except for me. The more I am around drinking the less fear and comfort level I have. So tonight was a wine and beer night, which really didnt effect me.This first time I have allowed any type of beer in my house. I am convinced that normal drinkers dont know how to drink. I am going to bed I tired.

LA sucks

This for your Naked thursday. Some yoko freak sent me this. I'm not sure what I am suppose to get from it. Downtown LA today was a nightmare everywhere. There was even this big black guy in the middle of traffic walking around with no shirt on. He was the size of any 2 offensive tackles in the NFL. He had a belt buckle on the size of my head. Everyone including myself were terrified. After about 5 minutes he jumped over the embankment and disapeared. Was this a sign from Bill W.? Maybe this is his way of telling me that I need to finish my fourth step.

my Boss is a asshole

The little man, known as my boss is the biggest asshole on earth. He sounds so much like my exdad it makes me violently sick. He has been running my ass down on things like building databases, hiring people etc. I hope I can hold on to my sanity and sobriety.

Home Group

I talked today with people from my homegroup. I guess some of the people knew I needed to talk. I needed to know that there were other people like me and its easy to lose sight of that. I sometimes feel that between writing how I feel down here and reading blogs and calling from my phone lists other alcoholics I can make it through what ever life deals me. I guess you need to find a way that works which includes God, working the steps and going to a meeting. My life was almost in balance today, which was a result of being sober.

The Dale class

Again I went to the Dale Carnegie class with a open mind. Again I won the stupid pen. That seems to be the award that everyone wants to win. I have won 2 pens and the Lincolns wife book. Dale was obsessed with Abraham's life. I felt pretty good that I was there and even encouraged others on our upcoming presentation contest. I still feel somehow lost and alone. I guess this is just one of those up and down times of recovery. I just hope this down time doen't last to much longer. I am still sober today, that's the miracle.

Mental Damage

I am trying to figure out how much mental damage I have done to my brain cells. My will to be aggresive in business has diminished. My memory has come back but not to a satisfactory level. How did I do it while drinking? I know I had to be doing somthing right because my sales were up. The other thing could be I started the down fall while drinking and now I am paying for it. These are questions. I ask others in the program and I get the same answer your right where your supose to bé and look how far you have come. I wonder if this is my lack of gratitude or my meager effort to find myself.

Sunday Night

I went to the meeting tonight and I felt anger. There was a guy who was taking a cake for 13 years he was with his father who gave him the token. The guy got sober early in life and his father was probably the reason why. I have not spoke to my father since being sober. He is still drinking and even if he stopped I wouldn't speak to him. I am the only one of 5 kids that doesn't talk to him. However I have my reasons. I am the second oldest and the first boy. I looked in the mirror one day and saw that I had become my father a man I hated and swore that I would never be like.

My Disease

The Evolution of My Disease Called Alcoholism

Alphamessed up

Is this the alphabet that our kids will be teaching their kids in the future? Some people think so in California. I wouldn't be surprised if it was sooner, maybe be at the next school board meeting.