Happy New Year

By God I will not drink tonight. The party was a little tough last night and I just have one more to do to. Everyone is in a nasty mood today, because of their hangovers. My wife just had one drink last night, but if I wasn't there she would have had more. I am tired of being here and I want to go home. I have a plan for 2006 and that is to kick ass in business I need to make more money. I have come to believe that if I take out worring about financial issues in my life my sobriety will become stronger. Happy New Year and for Sobriety I have only one day at a time.

Holiday Hate

I am stuck up here with people drinking rum and wine and I am the only sober one. There are a 15 adults and 12 children. I feel alone to night more than I have ever felt even though I talked to a couple guys in my home group. They made me feel good however I feel far away. Being comfortable is very important to me now in my life more than ever. It might be that I have only a year and a half. I am scared to pick up the big book and read it, because people are wandering around in and out of rooms. I just don't want to get into a conversation about my recovery with a drunk person. So here I sit up with the kids watching Scrooge Sesame Street style and blogging. I thank god for allthe ways he has guided me to stay sober tonight.

Home

We went to my wifes step brothers house, so that we could see their new house. Her father and his wife came with us. The other step brother came over as well. They were all drinking wine and the two step brothers would go a back room and drink. I went out side for a smoke and saw bother of them sucking down beers. I felt offended that they were drinking behind my back. The hole hiding the drinking thing was very familar to me.That's what I did when I didn't want people to drink my alcohol stash or I didn't want someone counting the number of drinks Iwas having. I told the brothers not to hide from me, and to drink in front of me.I sometimes feel like I am some kind of freak side show act. Every seems to be watching me as if I was going to sneak off and drink. Its like I had gone to jail for a crime I didn't commit, but everyone thinks I did the crime.

snow

We were up in the mountains today and my kids played in the snow for the first time. They loved it was almost like christmas for them. I can't believe I have yet to take my family camping or snowboarding. I guess now I am closing in on 2 years I want to do more and see more thru sober eyes. I believe that today was like christmas for me to.

Alone

I was having the alone empty feeling today. I was around my kids and wife and even my father inlaw and his wife yet I was alone. These are the times I seek meetings, but they have everything planned and my wife even made it clear not to rent a car. I didn't rent a car, because she would feel uncomfortable and knowing me I would find an excuse to leave and be by myself. Not being able to leave when I wish is very uncomfortable for me. The next trip I will make damn sure I rent a car. I am also having a problem staying in head. I need to go to a meeting.

Daily reprieve

"For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead." - Alcoholics Anonymous, page 14-15 When I get back from vaction in Seattle. I plan to start giving some of my time to talking with people in a hospital's detox center. This is the same center I went to and then to their rehab center for 28 days. The days in detox are when you life is unmanagable and that for me is when I realized I can't control this emptyness any longer.

seattle

We are on the way to the airport for a week vacation. We are headed to Camano Island, which is north of Seattle. It's where my father inlaw lives. I threw he and his wife out of my house 2 years ago. I did a amends around a year ago. They support my sobriety.

Merry Christmas

MERRY  CHRISTMAS

Artist no More

I use to paint and it seems some where the creativity has left. For that I feel sad. Has it died in side of me with some other parts of my life.

My Boss is a Dick

He finally has almost pushed me over the edge. He owes me $14,000.00 in past expenses and was suppose to overnight the check to my bank. Didn't do it, never happen, and now my ammex is cut off on Chistmas eve. I am sure it's going to be another battle on what we agreed upon. I really felt like drinking tonight.

Drunk Santa

My family and I went to the nutcracker today and the boys liked it, but I could tell they were bored. I need to push some more culture on them now so they will end up having an open mind to their environment Well after the show we walked around downtown S.D. looking for a place to eat. We ran across some addicts and alcoholic's in a rough area. I felt comfortable, but my wife demanded to take the kids back to the car, so that we could drive instead of walk. After we got back in the car we passed Island Street a detox center used by the cop's the place was packed. I said a prayer for the people which was "God please let these people get it". I hope the Santa coming to my house this year is a sober Santa.

Rumsfeld eyes US pullback in Iraq

By Lesley Wroughton 34 minutes ago FALLUJA, Iraq (Reuters) - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said on Friday the number of U.S. combat troops in Iraq would be cut by some 7,000 by early next year, but the number involved in training Iraq's new military would increase. Rumsfeld, the second senior U.S. official to visit Iraq this week in the wake of last week's election, said progress in Iraq's politics, economics and security lay behind the decision to scale back the combat troops.

Marines Not Home For Christmas

"when the rich ones make the war, are always the poor persons who die" We have had a large number of Marines that live in my area that were killed in action or disabled. Disabled is such a generic and understated word for what is the truth. I would associate disabled with ADA requirements. The truth is loss of limbs, burned, scared, maimed, loss of sight, sanity etc. Churches have adopted marine families to help take care of basic needs that most of us take for granted. I know of a wife who has to drive her husband almost two hours to and from the VA hospital for treatment. This doesn't include her having to wait for the treatment to be completed. All totaled it's 4 to 5 hours a day. All because of a RPG (rocket propelled grenade). Who watches the kids? The church volunteers for now. How many are like this? Another friend has to tell marines families that their son or daughter aren't coming home. The proof of death photo's shown families are graphic and a memory I would want to have of my son. Not all good comes with war, but a war based one man's grudge or so called misinformation is unforgivable. My prayers are with the families and the soldiers on the ground.

Step Study

We did step 8 tonight and I really felt a stronger urge to complete the 4th step. I am sitting on things that are a struggle for me. The ability to release myself from the punishment that I have created seems to be more difficult than if it was given by someone else. The key is that I have given these things more power than I have given god or myself. If I really try to break it down all the parts are connected to one thing fear. Fear is one reason I drank. I am going to be making more of an effort to get the ball rolling again.

Bonus Bullshit

I get this letter from my boss: "Sorry we weren't able to give you more this year, but money has been tight". Fuck that he and 27 year old wife are going to an Island for Christmas, asshole! Then he says "let's have a strong 1st quarter". Whaaatt the hell are talking about, my ass still hurts from 2003 when he gave me the same mombo jumbo and the same amount of money. The only thing I want is to just get ahead financially for a year. Simple request, but it never works that way.

Pope Benedict XVI

Thank God the Santa at the Mall doesn't look like him or my kids would be terrified of Christmas.

Weird Trips

I had alot of trips in my day, we use to use window pane and then I ended up dealing acid as well. That lasted a short time, because of a bad trip I had. I was out on a farm with a bonfire and we got to close to the fire and one guy was badly burned.

Nature's Way of Fucking You

This is also natures way of telling you not to back up to close.

Today was OK

No major problems today and these types of days are becoming more frequent. I was talking with my sponsor today and we seemed to speak mainly of gratitude. The opportunity we have to make changes in our lives for the better. The bond that we have now with our kids seems to be mainly based on spirituality. By putting god and sobriety forefront in ones life, you would think that anything is beatable. But I have one obstacle that's is a hidden desire to drink and it's right behind me breathing on my left shoulder. It to me is nothing more than something evil. I did a lot of bad things under its influence. The day I feel I have control of this hidden desire or urge to drink is the day I pick up my first drink.

Christmas Blues

I swear I am sick of shopping and returning presents. I can't make up my mind what I want. I don't need any new suits or clothes. I have enough tech shit around. I don't want anything basically because I can't afford what I want. I always seem to want things I know I can't get. I hardly feel excited about this Christmas, I feel like I should get some gift for having a 1 and 1/2. I guess that gift is I am sober and my three boys are smiling and laughing now. The Chain is broken until my next drink.