Today

This photo resembled my day (I am kicking my boss, as my three boys are buzzing my head). My boss proves again that he is the biggest asshole and my kids are driving me insane. Nobody seems to be listening to me. Today I felt like drinking and getting away from it all. I surely would destroy what has taken me a 1 1/2 years to rebuild. The destruction would be evident in just one day, one hour, one minute. I prayed to god to help me stay sober today.

Higher Power

"What is this but a miracle of healing? Yet its element are simple. Circumstances made him willing to believe. He humbly offered himself to his maker-then he knew" Big Book. Since the Dale ego class is over my sponsor believes it is necessary for my Monday night to be filled. I am back at a bible class with my sponsor. I had been going with him per his direction. I really didn't like it at all because I had taken a religion classes from grade school thru college. I was taught by Jesuits, had 3 years of Latin, and read the bible cover to cover. Still I went as directed. The good thing about going is that I hear the word GOD and not my name. The preachers views, I can disagree with and that's ok. The bible has been rewritten multiple times through the years so that we might understand the words used. Therefore interpreting is left to ones own perception. THE ARAMAIC PRAYER OF JESUS (The Lord's Prayer) ~ as translated from the Aramaic by Saadi Neil Douglas-Klotz of the Sufi Order of the West ~ O, Birther of the Cosmos, focus your light within us -- make it useful Create your reign of unity now Your one desire then acts with ours, As in all light, So in all forms, Grant us what we need each day in bread and insight: Loose the cords of mistakes binding us, As we release the strands we hold of other's guilt. Don't let surface things delude us, But free us from what holds us back. From you is born all ruling will, The power and the life to do, The song that beautifies all, From age to age it renews. I affirm this with my whole being.

I Hate The Rain

The rain with out lighting is depressing. I feel like leaving my office early and going home. The weather feels like fall. I need to call my firewood guy. I lent him a thousand dollars 1 1/2 years ago and he paid it back late. Maybe he will let me make payments, since my wife used all our money for the month on a personal trainer at the gym.

Sunday Night Meeting

After hearing a few who spoke I felt like killing them. I may have a problem with staying on my side street that I admit. It becomes a problem to me because I own the fuck’in development. So basically you street is now mine and so forth. I also wonder what the changes would have been if I was still drinking. Would I be ahead in my job still drinking? The answer would be yes because my job is to entertain. That means taking some people out and get them drunk, take them to a strip bar and try to get the client to fuck a whore. Then you have them by their ball. Meet the family the wife and you seal the deal on contracts from then on. Something I need to think about. I am trying to do it the spiritual way but I keep coming up an angel short. Now that Dale class is over, I am going back to the Monday night bible study with my sponsor and banjo bob begrudgingly. I just keep my mouth shut and do what I am told. I think I have been killing my brain cells by keeping my mouth shut. Maybe I should let the real me show for a while.

Big Biker / Great Soccer

My son and I saw this biker on the way to his soccer game. Wow he has got to be Guinness material. The guy literally could have got off his motorcycle and flip my SUV over on its side. We were laughing not at him, but of how scared we were of him. When we pulled along side of him my son ducked down in the back seat. My son scored two goals today and played the best he has ever played. It must be because I practice with him. Nah

Movie Night

My wife and I saw a movie tonight A History of Violence. It was pretty good not the four stars it was rated. We had dinner prior to the movie at a New Mexican restaurant it had one of the best mariachi bands I have ever heard. They sounded like professionals not your typical street peddlers. The manager introduced Himself; he looked as though he could have been an architect from Mexico City. He had white shoulder length hair well groomed and well dressed. My wife and I sat and talked about the kids. There seems still not much for us to talk about. We need to spend time together but it seems we just can't find the time. We also for the first time I can recall not having that much in common anymore. I don't now if it’s that I have changed since 1 1/2 years, or her from the last 6 years. We are trying and hopefully something will break for us. If we stay together if not for us then at least for the boys.

Movie Night

My wife and I saw a movie tonight A History of Violence. It was pretty good not the four stars it was rated. We had dinner prior to the movie at a New Mexican restaurant it had one of the best mariachi bands I have ever heard. They sounded like professionals not your typical street peddlers. The manager introduced Himself; he looked as though he could have been an architect from Mexico City. He had white shoulder length hair well groomed and well dressed. My wife and I sat and talked about the kids. There seems still not much for us to talk about. We need to spend time together but it seems we just can't find the time. We also for the first time I can recall not having that much in common anymore. I don't now if it’s that I have changed since 1 1/2 years, or her from the last 6 years. We are trying and hopefully something will break for us. If we stay together if not for us then at least for the boys.

Double Addiction in One

This is just what someone needs who drinks in a non-smoking establishment Nicotine Beer. What next do we have to do as a society to keep people addicted.

4th Step

I am back working on my fourth step and even set a deadline of next Friday. I finally have enough time to be able to work on it, since the Carnegie ego class is over. I have spent a large amount of time throwing all my emotional energy to each task and by the end of each task I am emotionally drained. The character defects are becoming a problem with my wife, kids and my job. I am not staying on my side of the street and the resentments are growing. Just like me to wait to take a personal/moral inventory. I plan to go to the 1st place I went after getting out of rehab. Its up on a small mountain and you can see the ocean. It’s an abbey with monks that walk the grounds most from different countries. I enjoy walking the 2 mile Stations of the Cross path it has steep cliffs and strong ocean breezes. It’s a place where no one is around except for my god. The masses are in Latin and instead of singing the monks chant. I took 2 years of Latin in high school and remember enough to get me by. I feel good after writing this and I think I will put some pen to paper.

Alone

The feeling of being alone started early in my life and became more prevalent as I grew up with an alcoholic father. The emptyness followed me into the early teens when I felt that I was a lot different than other people. I was unhappy and scared with the life given to me. I always hoped that some alien beings would take me away from the loneliness and pain. They would take me to a place where I deserved to be, a place where I would be happy. The alien I found was not a green man but from a green bottle. The pain was gone and the person hidden so long inside emerged. They were fun years. The fun ended when all the feelings returned and there was no hope for me because it was in control. One day I needed the green bottle because my hands were shaking so badly and this time it didn't work and I couldn't take a sip. I asked a god to take my life and instead he gave me life and sent me to rehab. I have a good life now the fear and loneliness are manageable. The only aliens I know now are in my head.

Naked Thursday

I wonder if anyone can find me in this picture.

I have been having weird nightmares lately about people who have died in my life. They are hanging around me if to say something, but they never do. It's like someone that comes up to you and says nah and turns around and walks away. I hope this isn't some strange death message. The good thing is that their not trying to give me a bottle of Crown Royal, because I would be joining them soon. Maybe it’s because I am just not working the program as well as I should be or just that I need to go to a couple more meetings a week. What ever the reason god knows that they weren't even close to the ones I had in detox. The detoxing off of alcohol was bad but the barbituates (pills) detox about killed me 3 weeks later. Everything is better than a year and half ago and I am sober.

This Guy Needs a AA meeting

Tonights meeting is coming up so, SAVE A SEAT for this guy. My oldest son hurt his arm yesterday, but wasn't acting like it was bad. Today at school he was really complaining so we took him to the pediatrician and got an X-ray now we are waiting to see if its broken. If it is broken, that will mean one of us has a long night ahead because we will have to take him to Children's Hospital. I got into a fight with my wife who's yelling voice seems to really get under my skin when I am sick. So like an alcoholic I began to push with her buttons until she was really mad. I then gave up the fight and apologized. Finally she is normal again and I still have not learned to keep my mouth shut.

Dog to the Vet

"A cat attacked George W, after he proposed closing FEMA run shelters for displaced animals from Hurricane Katrina". I took our Lab to the Vet tonight because of a bad rash around her neck. She gets it every year because of the Santa Anna winds. The new vet loved her and said she was a happy dog. That made me feel good because when I was drinking she was always scared of me. My lab ended up with a couple shots and some pills she needs to take for 2 weeks. I think she cares for me more than anyone else in my family.

Sick Day

I received an unexpected virus that is whipping my ass today. I had to call a client today to reschedule our meeting. This makes me uncomfortable, because that's what I use to do on a regular basis. My wife would call in sick for me a least a couple times a week. The kids made a great excuse for me too. I blamed them all the time. My company thought there was something wrong with my immune system. I became a running joke at the office, because I was always sick. I changed tactics and made up clients or jobsites that I was at. I sure knew how to protect my drinking. I don't have to do all that today. I can take care of myself with rest and fluids and a cup of soup and saltine crackers. I am sober today because of god and alcoholics anonymous.

Last Night of the Dale Class

Well I screwed this up, my last few brain cells decided to stop comunication. I tried to memorize a 7 minute presentation, what a mistake. On top of it all I was finally struck with the Virus that has plagued my boys. This is the first time I have really felt sick since I have been sober. Bottom line is that I should have been better prepared. I have a problem working a program that tells me a big ego is bad and at the same time taking a class that promotes a big ego. I am just trying as hard as I can to build up the relationship that I damaged from drinking. I don't need to have a large ego because for someone like me it's dangerous. I am thankful I didn't drink over it.

Last Night Meeting

I made a complete ass out of myself last night at the meeting. I got up to speak and there was nothing coming to my head. I spoke of bullshit like I hated the Dale class and I went to my kids soccer game bla bla bla. Nothing of the program and I sound like a fearful child or worse yet a mindless airhead. Its the result of everyone talking about their fathers and how wonderful the relationship is now. Not me

Katrina

George was delayed in going down to New Orleans. What is the deal with presidential blow jobs? George upped Clinton by taking it in the ass! Some friends of mine just got back from Biloxi and sound like hell. They were roofing and framing homes in a complete effort to rebuild. They said FEMA is really trying hard despite the media's lack of reporting the truth. How do you prepare for something this massive? I really don't think you can.  Half the time they were removing mud and raw sewage. The smell they said was just nauseating like nothing they have ever smelled before. All of them are sick with a respiratory problems. They are going to the doctor today. They said it was from black mold a result of water/raw sewage sitting in the homes they were working on. They all said they are going back in a month. All of them sound like different people from when they left. They said a word I know all to well gratitude.    

Control

My control over life is just imaginary. The true absolute control of life is held by god. I need to remember this on a daily basis. This also works when I have given someone control over me. I tell myself its just imaginary which deflates alot of the power I had given them. I find myself taking things back from god because I truly had not finshed. The world is a better place with out me in control that for damn sure. We had our neighbors over for dinner tonight. Everyone was drinking except for me. The more I am around drinking the less fear and comfort level I have. So tonight was a wine and beer night, which really didnt effect me.This first time I have allowed any type of beer in my house. I am convinced that normal drinkers dont know how to drink. I am going to bed I tired.

LA sucks

This for your Naked thursday. Some yoko freak sent me this. I'm not sure what I am suppose to get from it. Downtown LA today was a nightmare everywhere. There was even this big black guy in the middle of traffic walking around with no shirt on. He was the size of any 2 offensive tackles in the NFL. He had a belt buckle on the size of my head. Everyone including myself were terrified. After about 5 minutes he jumped over the embankment and disapeared. Was this a sign from Bill W.? Maybe this is his way of telling me that I need to finish my fourth step.

my Boss is a asshole

The little man, known as my boss is the biggest asshole on earth. He sounds so much like my exdad it makes me violently sick. He has been running my ass down on things like building databases, hiring people etc. I hope I can hold on to my sanity and sobriety.

Home Group

I talked today with people from my homegroup. I guess some of the people knew I needed to talk. I needed to know that there were other people like me and its easy to lose sight of that. I sometimes feel that between writing how I feel down here and reading blogs and calling from my phone lists other alcoholics I can make it through what ever life deals me. I guess you need to find a way that works which includes God, working the steps and going to a meeting. My life was almost in balance today, which was a result of being sober.

The Dale class

Again I went to the Dale Carnegie class with a open mind. Again I won the stupid pen. That seems to be the award that everyone wants to win. I have won 2 pens and the Lincolns wife book. Dale was obsessed with Abraham's life. I felt pretty good that I was there and even encouraged others on our upcoming presentation contest. I still feel somehow lost and alone. I guess this is just one of those up and down times of recovery. I just hope this down time doen't last to much longer. I am still sober today, that's the miracle.

Mental Damage

I am trying to figure out how much mental damage I have done to my brain cells. My will to be aggresive in business has diminished. My memory has come back but not to a satisfactory level. How did I do it while drinking? I know I had to be doing somthing right because my sales were up. The other thing could be I started the down fall while drinking and now I am paying for it. These are questions. I ask others in the program and I get the same answer your right where your supose to bé and look how far you have come. I wonder if this is my lack of gratitude or my meager effort to find myself.

Sunday Night

I went to the meeting tonight and I felt anger. There was a guy who was taking a cake for 13 years he was with his father who gave him the token. The guy got sober early in life and his father was probably the reason why. I have not spoke to my father since being sober. He is still drinking and even if he stopped I wouldn't speak to him. I am the only one of 5 kids that doesn't talk to him. However I have my reasons. I am the second oldest and the first boy. I looked in the mirror one day and saw that I had become my father a man I hated and swore that I would never be like.

My Disease

The Evolution of My Disease Called Alcoholism

Alphamessed up

Is this the alphabet that our kids will be teaching their kids in the future? Some people think so in California. I wouldn't be surprised if it was sooner, maybe be at the next school board meeting.

Alcoholic Card

My wife lately has been puling the alcoholic card anytime she doesn't like my behavior. I know sometimes I can be an asshole, but so can she. The alcohol card is getting very old, its like her trump card against me. It amounts to saying something hurtful for no other reason than just plain spite. I will just go in the other room to avoid her when we are both in this mood. The kids have her number down big time. They act like something is a big deal when its not and she will react in her meansest behavior me. They laugh because they know that their in control of a woman out of control. It is hard being with the same person who witnessed all the wreckage. The forgiveness can be forgotten at any given time. Oh well........

Convention

I was at a convention all yesterday and everyone were getting or already fucked up at the cocktail networking thing. Over 5,000 people, there and all types of liquor permeating the air. I used the phonelist a couple times till I found the people I was suppose to take to dinner. They were waisted and my tolerence was running on empty. I told them I didn't feel good and acted like I was going to my room. I quickly call aa central and they guided me to a meeting at a alano club. I went into the meeting and it felt like I was sitting in a place where it was safe. The discussion was about how the steps should be talked more in the meetings not just at a step study. I didn't care what the topic was, because I was sober.

Head Spin

I needed a meeting bad my head was spinning. I gave the little man more power today and it kicked my ass. He knows when I give it to him and he uses it against me. My wife called and I got pissed off because she didn't understand what I was trying to tell her. There I was on the pity pot and accomplishing nothing, I became worthless. The more I tried to gather my thoughts the more fear I felt. That's the worst when the fear has a handle on you. I went outside and sat down and let god have what I couldn't control. That's part of it of the deal with me control. I know its not suppose to be in my hands, but it is just so hard giving the controls away. I called another alcoholic to tell him what my deal was and he asked if I was sober and I said yes. I felt a release of all the things that were bothering me. I felt a strange but comfortable calmness fill my body. I keep those last weeks and years in the front row seats of my mind.

Another Monday With Dale

Dale Carnage class wasn't so bad tonight for some reason. There is a lot of ass kissing to the instructor for what ever reason. I have given up on trying to win another pen or to get ribbons and stars on my name tag. It just seems to take a great effort to try and I have to conserve my energy to stay awake. I don't know if I am just to worn out lately or I just have some disease that is slowly killing me. I feel good about the way I handled myself at my job today, because my boss wanted a argument and I didn't give it to him. My sponsor is calling me for a change instead of me calling him every day. I have been at this sobriety life for 497 days and looking forward to another day as long as I don't pick up that first drink. That is only trying to stop once and that was May 17,2004. I looked up to people that had 450 + days, when I had just 30 days. I now look up to someone who just has put together a few days. These are the people that keep me sober. If there is one thing to be selfish about it should be your sobriety.

Commitment

I am sick of having to bring the cake every damn sunday. I know that commitments are good and it forces you to go to meetings, but it sucks. There has to be someone who wants to take it from me, maybe not. I agreed to take it with no specified end date. Maybe thats why they laughed when I took it. I was basically forced into the deal. Its hard for me to be committed, because I have so many commitments. Well if this is one of the ways to keep me from drinking I guess I will suck it up and hopefully soon someone will step up.

Katrina, Drink

This is wacked how could these assholes be doing this Katrina Drink It is not a joke but is real. These lawyers are gutter trash and should be completly disbared and do some serious jail time. There are a number of anonymous programs out there. I guees if they help you than its good. Its just to many things to worry about. This one is one I could possible join as a second program Twix, I love candy for some reason.

Everything Is Good?

I went to my sons soccer games it was a good begining. Everyone was happy and laughing. Some friends were all going to take their kids out for pizza and invited us. I was feeling like maybe if I went I could have just one beer with the guys. I could show my wife I could just drink one and that would be it. My mind began setting the whole thing up of how I could pull this off. The only problem that I wanted more not one as many as possible to make up for lost time. I am a thirsty person by nature so why not a couple 3 or 4 and I could drink these prior to going to the pizza place. Where would I go to drink them so my family could'nt see me. Fuck that my mind was setting me up for a relapse, I decided to go to a meeting.

Hurricane Rita

I hope George W doesn't play keep away with the food from the children in Texas as he did in the New Orleans SuperDome.

Barbara De Angelis Guru?

I went to a book promo at the Seaside Church. The church was a meta-physical kind of feel good type of church. I believe alot of Hindu mother godess stuff. I was basically raised by the Jesuits. She was damn good and very spiritual and genuine. As she spoke it seemed like the verbage was running a similar path. That path was the big book, what a trip. I bought the book for my wife but now I want to read it. "How did I get here" thats the book and thats what I have been asking myself after 40 years of watching a movie play out that I am not in. Thats why her thought of finding the internal peace before we find it during death and how we think of ourselves and others makes sense. There is the puting the pen to paper and basically a 4th step layout she gave for life. It looks to be a good read. She can hang with her higher power and I with mine, but this woman is on a spiritual mission and its all good stuff.

I Love My Kids

My oldest son came home from school sick. We had to pick up my youngest from preschool because he jumped off some play ground equipment and landed on his head. My middle son is ok for now. My may have broke her foot in Taekwondo. I am sober so I feel fine. I will have to pray for the sick people. That is in the big book.

What was I Thinking

I battled with the template world and I was schooled. I am an alcoholic and it will be done my way on no way. Where did it get me, no where. I will focus on the stuff I need to instead of being an asshole. I am still sober after this ordeal. I was up in Beverly Hill for a lunch meeting with a rep that wants us to hire her firm. I saw the restaurant and made a turn across two yellow lines sure shit Beverly Hills motorcycle cop came up behind me. Shit I thought, I cant afford a ticket right now. I showed him a drivers license, insurance, registration and decided to play dumb. He explain why this was illegal and I explained why it was not for 6 mins while a small crowd grew. I ended up with a warning. Everyone congradulated me, because the Beverly Hills cops only let off women. The person who I had a lunch appointment with was in the crowd. She was very impressed. We went inside to have lunch. She was an LA chic throwing all the terms scientology etc. I deflated my ego for the better.

Thursday Nak

Here is your naked thursday

AHHHHHH what the hell happened my comments have been destroyed.

I feel like I just woke up from a pod. My legs and arms have become useless because of there weight. There was lighting last night blasting all around our house. This was the best lighting they have had in over 20 years. The kids were up all night as well as my paranoid wife. She thought a tree was going to fall on our house. One of my problems even while drinking was people pleasing. I would loan someone money and they would'nt pay me back so I would get a resentment. Most of the time I gave it to them to get away from me.

Fuck this

This Dale Carnage class is killing me. Tonight the idiots kicked my ass again. I swear I would prefer torture maybe even decapation instead of this class. I am again at the receiving end of my ass tonight. We had 60 seconds to prepare this 2 min proposal using using this flow chart of the Dale terms. Fuck I thought, as I began writing it out, it seemed that my mind was moving in all directions. Then the dumbass coach ( a person taking the class for the second time there to help) started talking to me about some random thing as the clock ticked. I was about to rip his head off, just then the instructor walked by he noticed my anger. The instuctor asked me how it was going and I said it would be fine if the coach would shut the fuck up. They both looked at me as if I was the asshole. Now I had two additional resentments and I had 20 seconds to finish. My mind just halted, and it felt like being at a factory at the 5:00 p.m. whistle. I was panicing and getting more confused. The stupid coach dared me to do it without a parachute (my notes) and it seemed like a good idea because I didnt have any notes. It was my turn and I butchered it, hell my 6 year old could have done better. I wanted to retreat to my seat but the instuctor made me stay up in the front of the room till I finished. I managed to make a complete fool of myself in front of a class of rejects. I finally finished in bits and pieces and I was so mad , that I wanted to cut these bastards throats. I prayed that this would pass and it did for a while. I feel worse than I did prior to taking the course.

This will be the last time I will but these types of idiots on my blog. I just can't help it because I seen alcoholics and addicts die in front of me. To some it may seem a joking matter, but for me its life or death. I know what it does to your brain cells first hand my memory is still in bits and pieces. For this baby guessing 9 to 10 months the brain is still developing and being given alcohol or drugs is a criminal offence.

Watching the kids

I told my wife she could go to this craft thing at Michael's for 4 hours. She left and it just me and my three boys. About 20 mins later two additional neighbor kids came over. This was just way two many kids around the same age to be in one house.The rooms were getting messed up one by one. I started cleaning after them however I was just going in circles. I need to get away my head was spinning. I walked outside to smoke a cigarette and play with the dog. After about 5 mins my facial color returned to normal. I wasn't sweating and felt calm. I watched the kids from our outside windows for about 1/2 an hour. It looked like hell in there they were all chasing each other around. The door bell rang it was the pizza man. The kids finally sat down and ate there pizza quietly. The neighbor kids are eating up all our food drinks etc. I decided to send the neighborhood kids home before I said anything mean. I feel sorry for my wife a little because she is with the kids all day. However they listen to her a hell of a lot more. Plus anytime I ground them she lets them off. She also buys them whatever they want. It pisses me off. This is one thing I have to let go for now it wasn't long ago when she wanted a divorce.

Step Study

We were on step 7. "Humbly asked him to remove our short comings" I was talking with my mom on the phone prior to getting to the step study. She told me how humble I was not just now but basically all my life. I felt if there was any time she has been right in her life it was tonight. My head was filled with various humble deeds I had achieved in the past. By the time I got to the meeting I was on the same spiritual level as a monk in Tibet. I felt more in control of myself than ever. Especially while standing out front of the meeting place talking to others. I was the hardcore one they weren't; their life's were filled with cotton candy and mine frozen metal whips. After all the pleasantries (learned at Dale Carnegie) we all filed into the meeting. As each of us read I began seeing my short comings flash by in front of me like a powerpoint presentation. I began feeling strange,lonely and withdrawing, crawling into this empty place I once found as a refuge. When I shared it was about my office moving to behind a church and how I thought this would stop all my short comings. How every time the priest would stop by and talk with me it felt like it was tunnel vision and he was accelerating not towards me but away. Then I stopped I passed the share and when we closed or prayed out. I helped clean up and left. I was scared.

I Got your Naked thursday

Naked Thursday? I am in a fucked up mood and I have been thinking about my kids and somehow this fits!

Meeting

I had to interview a potential rep this afternoon. So I had the person meet me at a restaurant. I was sitting at an outdoor table over-looking the ocean in southern California you can't beat that waiting for the person to arrive. I saw a man coming towards me and he introduced himself, he was the person I was waiting on. We started talking and then told me he had to use the mens room. The waiter came so I ordered a diet coke and a appetizer. When he returned I already had my drink, so I asked him what he wanted to drink. He said he already took care of it. Ok I am starting to like this guy already. The waiter came over to our table and handed him a beer. He drank the beer slowly, way to slow for me. However after the 1st one was finished he order a second one quickly. I look at his hands and noticed they had a slight tremor to them. The second was faster and when he order a third I started to feel uncomfortable. After half of the 3rd beer was finished his hands were as still as a surgeons. After the meeting had ended, we parted ways and I felt so empty inside as I drove back to my office.I am really thinking about hiring his firm.

Where is the Sanity

I really wonder how this could happen. I been with people who gave there kids alcohol and drugs, but not at this age. My father gave me alcohol at 7 and a joint at 8. Somehow this seems so worse, maybe because I don't want to see anyone suffer.I would beat the shit out the adults involved as well as the journalist who printed this. As always the innocent get exploited for someone elses gain. I pray that this girl got the treatment she needed.

Another Dale Carnagie class completed. The class i...

Another Dale Carnegie class completed. The class isn't as bad as it was in the beginning. Believe me it still is not fun getting stuck in a room with normal people that can't make their lives better. These people have only one thing I don't and that’s the ability to drink just one glass of alcohol and stop. Everything else I hold the advantage, for Christ sakes alcoholics and addicts are the best sales people around. I will be glad when the class is over as well as my 4th step.    

My boss told me to build a data base out of Access 2003. The last time I built a data base was in college.Thats not counting alot of ACT contact data base work. I have been working on this so long my eyes feel as though there going to pop out of my head. I am still sober which is surprising after I have to start all over, because my 3 year old deleted all the files I had. I went to the store to pick up some cough medicine. I came back and gone gone gone. My 6 year old had a soccer game and scored his first goal. He was then on fire all game smiling from ear to ear. It is all about working hard to get past our fears and when we have conquered them we will to feel like my son.

Men cannot see their reflection in running water, but only in still water.
-Chuang Tzu, philosopher (c. 4th century BCE)    

I am sorry but what in the hell is GW doing to help the US Citizens in the gulf coast after Hurricane Katrina. I guess they think all the drunks and addicts deserve death. How about a little 12 step work GW. Since GW's big book is the bible with a revision date of 1984, I guess we all are in a hell of a spot. Being able pray to god is one thing being god didn't work for me.

There is one think for certain I can get a resentment faster than saying something nice. I have truly believed that everyone is out to fuck me in some way or to try to kill me. As they say alcohol was only a symptom of the problem. I have been going back and forth into old behavior. I am getting better at catching it, prior to causing damage. I have watched myself especially around my kids. How fast my mind can spin out of control and catch me off balance. It is not easy for anyone that is even normal to have to help raise 3 boys that are 3,6,and 8 years old + a female lab. Our house is a disaster the majority of the times. Not from just our kids but the neighborhood kids as well. In our house we let our kids be kids, we don't hide toys in closets. The kids have 2 rooms the family room they watch TV play board games, all the cars and trucks you could want, arts and crafts area etc. and another room for legos, Thomas train track, game cube, PS2 etc.

I was talking with a friend of ours tonight and sh...

I was talking with a friend of ours tonight and she said her brother is an alcoholic. He brags about his drinking ability as though he should be proud of it and his ability to drive a car under the influence of alcohol. I told her his joy of it will not last and then it will be for survival, just to be able to make it through the day. Then you will watch him dying right in front of you and there will be nothing you can do. He will drag you down with him not out of love but out of desperation and just plain being self-centered. There is no disease I know that can destroy not only the infected person but also the immune people around. I remember when the down spiral began and I lost control of something I never had control of. I hope one day I will talk with her brother and maybe we will go to a meeting, and work through some steps that will change a person’s life, a life we never really had drinking and using.    

Today I feel pretty good. I need to start going to one or two more meetings a week. Its just really hard with everything that is on my plate. However ignoring that meetings are an important aspect to my sobriety could be a dangerous game. I just need to find a couple new ones. Change is always a good thing in my life now.

Again today it seems as though all I have is just ...

Again today it seems as though all I have is just quality problems. The kids, the wife and I went to the beach today. It is only a couple miles from our house and we just don’t go there enough. The reason is with 5 people, there always seems to be a spoiler.  However, we had fun, very little fighting and the boys had a blast. I never did things like this while drinking. I would be the spoiler and they would just go without me. I need to get my surf board repaired and start getting out in the water. My oldest boy wants to start learning.
  I feel tired because I have stayed up every night for some reason. I think it has something to do with step 4. Yes the step I haven’t completed. All the things are starting to slowly filter into my mind. I am going to try my best to have everything down on paper by the week.

It seems every month we have some kind of additional expense. This month we had to replace the above the range microwave. I was working on it when my wife decided to call some someone out of the yellow pages to do it. She saw how frustrated I looked and it made her nervous watching me. By her hiring someone I felt she didn’t believe that I could do this and I had an immediate resentment. I began feeling worthless for a stupid microwave. Well the help was late so I decided to start doing it myself well by the time the help got there I was almost done. I showed her or did I.I still feel that the guy who only drilled a couple holes got all the credit. Hell I don’t know but I am still little pissed of at my wife for not believing in me

Today is another tod

Today is another day of being sober 473 days. I have yet to finish my fourth step. Tonight at my step study we are on the fifth step. I always feel bad when it comes to my turn to share about a step I haven’t completed yet. I always share what I can relate to in the step. However some people look at me like shut up idiot you have not completed the step therefore you cannot share. What is the difference from someone whom has completed the step and someone who feels he has read the step enough to understand it, however hasn’t shared it with his sponsor, maybe a lot. But still regardless of step study, cakes, coffee, chairs, comments etc., Alcoholics/addicts are the complaining, crybaby, whiners, that all think, what they say is important. Hey I am a little bit guilty to, but I try to stay on my side of the street in what I say or think I know. Anything I have to say may not matter at all to the next person.
    

The "little man" my boss finally left back to the east coast. I am finally free of his mind torture. I wanted to kill me or just beat the fuck out of him. I think he expected a battle, because thats what I usually give me. I have mimicked him on the phone which pissed him off big time. I wrote emails telling him what he needs to do etc. Thats the way I work, but for some reason, I let him act like he was the boss. I listened to his advice on how to manage my office in a more effective way. How to plan my day etc. Was this me? who was this guy being tolerant to others. Maybe I starting to see the real person that I am. The thing that really bugs me is that I feel like maybe I dont hate him after all.

I am geting a little nervious about my boss coming...

I am getting a little nervous about my boss coming out. He has already started, he is staying in La Jolla what a pompous ass. I have to pick him up every morning and I am north of his hotel by 30 mins. Well I am going to get shit about sales even though I am producing now. I will pray a lot for some peace. I am trying the best I can with every aspect of my life. I have the gratitude, but a little more peace would be nice. I am not going to my main meeting Sunday night because its over at 9:30pm. By the time I get home I am to pumped up to go to bed. I have to pick up my boss and be in LA by 10:00am, plus I need to be on top of my game.  Last time he came out 5 months ago, he got so drunk that he could barely walk. He pasted out in the car on our way to the hotel, so I decided to play a little game with his head and the dashboard. I went down la Cieniega which has a hell of a lot of red lights.

This is the most honest drinking ad I have seen. This is what you will look like after the car crash and your liver fails. When I was in rehab there was a man about this color, he didn't make it and he did not have a family member left that cared.

I am feeling real good for some reason. I went to step study tonight and they were on step 4. I felt out of place because I have yet to clean house. My wife and mother in law cleaned my house. They removed all the alcohol from the exterior as well as the interior. Most of their finds were a result of me divulging where the alcohol could be found from a payphone at the rehab center. I made a promise that after my boss leaves on next Wendesday, I will begin the task of inventory evaluation. Which will be followed by my part in the deal and finally a releasing with sponsor. I already feel good about changing at least for today. I cant get this photo out of my head. This kid was like me when I was his age. The high feels like you have it in the palms of your hands and the next thing you know is your chasing it forever.

I kicked everyones ass at my Dale Carnigie class. My presentation was voted the best by a long shot. I won a stupid pen. However it was a walk in the park for a real alcoholic like me..

My sleeping habit is out of wack and I feel almost hungover. I need to make up some zzzz's tonight. I have some weird deep sleep problem. I get to such a deep sleep that its a type of sleep that's not good. You will feel very tired the next day. This is what I am being told by my doctor. Maybe the problem is that I stay in my head to much. Whatever the case I need some resolution quick. Bottom line is my sleeping habit must change.

I had phone playing with the kids last night. My youngest boy 3 wanted to trade his cell phone (fake) for mine. So I did for a little while and then him wanted to take photos of him making faces. I love my boys and thats a result from being sober and working the program.

Another day sober. I am tired I have been moving my office from the beach to the barrio. However that area at the beach was my drinking ground. My new office is behind a church, maybe I might get some good luck. I sure can use some luck.

The Dale from hell course is what that was like. I felt like I was getting my ass kicked by a bunch of geeks. I swear I must be running off of one cylinder. They give you 10 seconds to come up with a product and 8 seconds to sell it. This is in front of the class. I learned very little most I already knew from the streets. I am just getting my memory back, I have to move my office, my boss is coming out in a couple weeks, and I have to do the 4th step. I am in this for 4 weeks and I already have resentments against everyone tonight. I feel like beating the shit out of them all.

The Dale from hell course is what that was like. I felt like I was getting my ass kicked by a bunch of geeks. I swear I must be running off of one cylinder. They give you 10 seconds to come up with a product and 8 seconds to sell it. This is in front of the class. I learned very little most I already knew from the streets. I am just getting my memory back, I have to move my office, my boss is coming out in a couple weeks, and I have to do the 4th step. I am in this for 4 weeks and I already have resentments against everyone tonight. I feel like beating the shit out of them all.

Last night at the Sunday Night meeting it seemed everyone one who shared talked about step 4. Was this directed at me, I know some of it was. There was over 60 people and you share at a podium in the front of the room. This place makes you honest. However I have to start step 4 tomarrow because my little boss decided something is wrong with me. So I have to go tonight to Dale Carnegie a course that is 8 weeks or so. Its not that I am sober now that I have changed. Maybe since he still drinks and uses... forget it. I some how don't know if I can be a part of a San Diego Dale Carnegie club. I like wearing shorts with Birkenstocks. I am a little scared that I will turn into some annoying clone or they will put a micro chip in my head. They should probably screen new students to see if they are a canadate for the course. What the hell am I thinking I paid over $1,500.00. I would take anyone too.

I am starting on step 4 writing it all down on paper. That is I am going to do it tonight, I have scheduled it in on my calander. I will keep it simple and easy. I looked on the internet, asked people ect all of this was confusing to me and I ended up feeling overwhelmed. I heard people in meetings saying that if they had done a through step 4 they wouldn't have gone out. So, tonight I will keep it simple and try my best.

When you start to lose your inner peace you know it is time for a meeting. It truly amazes how this works. By being around people like myself makes me feel more comfortable. It also makes you feel more grateful for soberity and how your life is not so bad. The problems (fears) are not as large as they appear. I have things after a year that I never thought would happen. I am sober today and my wife and kids finally want me around. Thanks

Work the steps or your cheating yourself. That is what I have been trying to figure out, not the steps but out of what. I really believe I am scared that it won't work. That is why I am on step 4. This has been since I left rehab. We worked step 1-3 in there. I then went over them with my sponsor. Where is the honesty with myself.

I dont know if its just me but I have a resentment against all the alcohol companies. They gave me the tools to fuck up my life. I feel like they are always trying to trick me with their advertising into drinking again and no I am not glamorizing drinking. Now I heard they are offering some treat for the kids in Japan kids beer what....I hope AA is strong in Japan.

I might have to find another Job if I can't get my sales reps asses in gear as well as my national accounts. I fear this will be another tight rope walk. If I fall off I will be drinking and everything will be destroyed. This definitely is a must for an alcoholic/addict that needs to have a sample letters file while job searching. Dear Sir.

I feel better today maybe it was because I cried at step study. We were talking about step 1 and I chose to pick a stick again hit self again for the pain I caused. I think my higher power has not forgave me, which I don't care as much as that I have not forgiven myself. Maybe I will call my mom again and she will tell me how wonderful I am. That really gets old sometimes.

I have to go to step study tonight. I am really burning out on this AA shit. Christ I just want some sleep. The three boys, the wife, the program, and work. When will this all fit into place. God I just want some balance. I need to just stay focused on what I am suppose to do.

Fark You

Iam in a another bad mood that I have somehow got myself into. Maybe its because of a short man that sucks up power from others. This is what I would like to tell my boss.BOSS

All the TV characters that made me comfortable when I was a kid, took the same path that I had chosen. But now I don't have to worry about my kids hero's taking that same path. As long as I don't pick up that first drink.

Man I guess this is what they call depression. I feel like crawling in a hole to hide away. I need to just find some darkness. I hate saying depression because I some how feel as though I am weak, lazy etc. I am just a person who wants to feel good about life. Hell I have been sober for almost a year and a half I should feel young again and full of energy. Instead I feel like a tired old man who barely can take a step with out being winded.

I love this photo. This guy is planning ahead. What the hell am I doing with my work. I feel so weak and tired lately. I don't know what is wrong. My ability to stay focused is just not long enough and the memory has been almost nonexistent. I need to make a doctors appointment.

I just got back from church. I still feel that some how goð left me while I was drinking and using. I am trying to understand why he let me go thru all the things that I did. I was just a kid when a freight train hit my life, sending all the pieces of my inocence scattered about. I have been able to gather any of the pieces.

Well my sick boss sends me a $275.00 PDA case. What the hell is wrong with him. He won't pay my closet office rent for $450.00 a month and tells me to move home. He even threatens me with the the dreaded Ax. The man is truly sick and is so self absorbed that any accidential spills around him vanish. If he had clones not only would they destroy the world, but they also would put Bounty out of business.

My boss coming out to California is making me sick. Why do I give this little hateful man so much power. I put in gods hand and some how I end up taking it back. He has been out to get me since I have came back from rehab. He is as nasty as can be, just because my life is getting better, there is no reason to act the way he does. Other people in my company have noticed his anger towards them. Maybe his anger has been there all along and because I am sober I see it. I must not let him win.

I am sitting at DMV waiting for my number to be called G20, I swear its like playing Keno in Las Vegas. I feel pretty good today why I don't know. I guess I am just happy to be sober. That seems like an odd statement coming from a person like me. I shared at the meeting last night and that could be the answer. I need to stop questioning.

God Thing

My boss has been a complete ass. He now has refused to pay for my office and is making me pay 20% of my health care. Moving my office home was not going to be good for my sobriety. The wife a three boys wold be chaos. While sitting on my drive way a Episcopol priest who lives up the street walked by I told him my problem. He said I so happen to have a space for you pay what you can. I thanked him and he said don't thank me its not mine its Gods. Wow, we have been going on and off to his church and that was mainly because he was there spiritually for my wife while I was in rehab. She was ready to leave me and take the kids. There is a God and you don't have to look for him.

I have three boys and a norme for a wife. All my boys are under 8 years old so any damage was minimal. I am glad for that, but it seems they got on with life and I seem to be left behind in somé way. I feel like I am really in this thing for life. I have accepted that I am an alcoholic but this life thing sucks. Not so much the drinking but just the way I think. Well this is what I get for not moving on with my fourth step. Sit in the pain long enough and you will drink. That's what they say anyways.

Well today sucked. While trying to throw trash away I droped my cell in the dumpster at work. My midget boss yelled at me over the phone. I have decided I hate people and my program seems to be in a holding pattern. What else I am sober right now.

Having kids can help your sobriety because they take up a lot of your time. On the other hand they can send you head spinning like a top. Throw in a neighbor kid and now you have pure hell on earth. Man I just feel like shuting them up especially the neighbor kid. Serinity is no where around here. Bible study is in 30 mins.

Tonight I am going to bible study. This is one of those things you don't want to do, but you end up doing because it was suggested to you. I might not agree with the pastor guy but while I'm there I read the bible so that's not so bad. I could be out drinking and my city probably would'nt like that, so I think I will stay sober. My small man boss is coming back tomorrow and I feel sick. He is a asshole that comes up to my waist. Oh yes he still drinks and uses what a loser. Wow I thought I had an ego. Last time he was in town I drove him back to his hotel after a business dinner/party and he couldn't hardly walk. He fell asleep in my passenger seat so I played a game how close could I get his head to the dashboard with out hitting. Well it was really hard and his little doll like head took a beating. See now I feel better.

I must say today I feel like I don't care about anything. I am wondering if this something to be concerned with or is this just where I'm suppose to be. Well I think this is a question for my sponsor. Wait maybe its that someone who I care about to a cake last night. That is it, I built this whole thing up and now it has ended. Now I need something new to look forward to. How selfish is that, well I run a selfish program.

Step study

Tonight was step 11 what the hell do I know about it. Actually I did this during my 3rd step. I know there is a God and he is looking after me. I have been to the other spectrum "evil" and nothing good came from it. I need to pray more but its hard finding time when you have three boys. What an excuse I need prayer for my peace. That is the balance "peace" when you have it your in balance. I plan on getting back on track on prayer prior to going to bed and when I get up. I need to work on my steps because I am becoming angry person. I am so sick of the pain.

Gets me in trouble

This is one of the things that get me into trouble Women This is the video similar to the one I saw as a child Teach Me This is issolation at its finest hour. So many nights I sat by myself, away from family and friends. WTF I think I will go hang out with some AA people.

Home Life, Driving

This was totally me when I was a kid. The destruction was just begining. How issolation seemed to be what I knew as peace. Yet how far I have come. I didn't drink or use Today. Mike This was me in real life,the game I was playing everyday, right about 5:00pm. I had been drinking in my office all day only taking short trips to buy crown and miller lite. How lucky I have been not to have killed someone or myself. Drunk Driving

My Day

Sometimes you have the world by its ass. Other times you have...........

Ego or the Power

I spoke with a business associate of mine on Friday. I really laid in on him about not having my sample ready to send to my client. He was moving his plant and I had run out of patience. I let me have it about delaying me for two weeks. I told him that he is costing our company a lot of money and I asked him, " are you trying to kill me?" I found out today that he died of a heart attack on Saturday. I felt somehow responcible for his death. Do I have the ability to controll who lives and dies? No, the last time I checked there is already a God. It amazes me how close we keep that stick we use to beat ourselves up. I need a meeting.

Cake Commitment

This is a commitment I didn't want. However there is probably a reason why I have it now. Come to think about it, by going to my aftercare commitment every week for a year, may be one of the reasons why I'm sober today. Thats where 6-10 addictive guys sit in a circle and discuss their week. Whats bothering them, how are they dealing with addiction, how many meetings they attended, how many contacts have they made with their sponsor,etc. Bottom line its another year of reducing my ego so it will fit my head. Thats not so bad. I hate cakes!

Peace

This what I have been searching. Even though it may last only a sort while. Drinking it wasn't the same after awhile it became a chase with no end and with no results. The kids and wife are out of town and its just me and the dog and of course a fire outback. This is a time when I feel gods presence and its comforting. I think its worth any hardship you go through in sobriety to be able to have days or evenings like this. They maybe few but they just get better and last a tiny bit longer.

Last day at aftercare

Wow a 52 week commitment is over. I drove 50 mins +- to get there at 5:00pm once a week in traffic. That is Southern California traffic. I already miss it, beause it was a large part of my first year in recovery. One thing is I am sort of scared because of making a change in my recovery that has kept me sober so far. However I am still on step 4 and my sponsor suggested that I go to a step study to replace the missing commitment. I have learned that when I start protecting my comfort zone I need to take the next indicated step.

Meeting Makers Make It

You know when your head is spinning a meeting sounds pretty good. I always seem to get back some peace when I go to a meeting regardless of sharing. Meetings are tokens as explained to me and you use them up as needed. The only way to get a token is to go to a meeting. See my mind sometimes turns into a video game that only stops with a token or two.

this is all about me!

No just about me not drinking.
Whattttttttt