Falling

I feel like I am falling behind in my work. It's just because I am wearing to many hats. My ass has been hurting my sitting viewing spread sheet after spread sheet. I am project managing these jobs that are very large and it feels like they are managing me. Wow it sounds as though I need a meeting, which will come Sunday night. Next week will be lighter so I will have more time to play catch up. asta la vista what ever the hell that means..

dog and cat

hot chick

I remember these days so well. You have your drugs and liquor and a hot date. All in that order. I thought I was cool because that is what alcohol and drugs did for me. Until one day it became all of me.

My oldest son is playing the sick role at football practice. I can't take it any more. He has the talent but not the drive inside of him. He wants the glory with half the work. He has quit several sports, because he grows tired of the work it takes. My wife and I had a fight because she says he has a lack of esteem however I think he is just lazy and spoiled.

head aches

I have been having real bad headaches. My vision gets fuzzy and its hard to see. Iam going to bed.

new job?

I had a third conversation with a global company that wants to hire me. The position is very good and very prestigious for my industry. I am excited about the potential, however the offer will be sent to me this week. I am sure we will go back and forth until we agree or disagree. Whether I agree to take the job or not, it has been good for my self esteem. I am in this situation because of god and that I did what was asked of me by my sponsor and other's in the program. I never did what I wanted, because that would have been drinking.

how close are we

For me the closest I get to becoming homeless is one drink away. The first drink is a good as it gets. The rest of the drinks are weights to bury me.

fatal

If I drink again it would be fatal. My relationships I have now sober with my family would be over. The chances of being in my boys life will be gone. I may not die quickly, but without them my life would be gone.

Well we have just 2 soccer games today. The football games don't start till the end of august. Our anniversary is coming up next week and it will be 16 years. We are on rocky roads but we need to stay strong. We are seeing a marriage counselor next week. More work with hopefully new tools.

sports

I am back at the sports thing with the boys. Here is the deal, we have 2 soccer games and a football game to attend every saturday for the next several month's. I am going to my oldest son's football practice tonight. The two other boy's are playing soccer. The costs associated with each sport is around $500.00 per kid. Thats a lot of money when you're kids play spring, summer and winter ball. Actually the cost incurred is around $4500.00 total. The logistic's part is a nightmare, so I stay out of that and follow my wife's dirrection. <p>

I have always been against cloning however I am thinking it might be good for some parents.

house of hung

I wonder if they have my photo in this place

link

kids and life

This has been a crazy ass ride. I have been at the heap of the bottom and now I am moving towards the top. I make sure my ass does not stay too far from the program.   I have all of my life today to thank for because of god and the program. Another part to the puzzle is going to bible study, which helps me keep the hands off of the control panel. When I take the controls in my life I always take a nose dive. I held off the controls of my life today and things are great.

kids,addiction

Blog Entry dated 8/8/2007 8:23 AM

I feel ok today. I think what has been wrong is that I have too mas on my plate. I have been wearing a multitude of hats at my job. I feel spread to thin so if you want to call that fear, I would say you are right. I get frustrated with any with any changes that effect my control at the job. Did I say control..yikes. I need to get on my knees and pray.

want to fight?

Man, I am in one of those moods where I want to kick some one's ass or in the process get my ass kicked. I have been pushing every ones buttons at work today. I am a master at pushing buttons and I should have been a elevator operator. I have been pissed for what? I just can't seem to find a reason. By the way this is not my finger.

alcoholic?

How bad does it have to get, before step 1 becomes clear. Life unmanageable?

This photo makes me sick. The only person that I am concerned about in this photo is the young child. What's the damage caused by this asshole, god only knows. I am glad to be sober today.

Vegansexuals

No sex, please, you're a carnivore. A new phenomenon in New Zealand is taking the idea of you are what you eat to the extreme. Vegansexuals are people who do not eat any meat or animal products, and who choose not to be sexually intimate with non-vegan partners whose bodies, they say, are made up of dead animals.

link

hot as hell

I am in phoenix meeting clients with my rep. The weather sucks because it's 105 and humid. I feel like I am going to turn into sand and blow across the desert. I can't stand coming here in the summer, if hell is on earth it's in phoenix.

The company I went on the job interview with wants to hire me. Shit I don't know what to do now. So, either I take the new job or stay with the current job..yikes

hop scotch in San Fran

My youngest son hop scotching in San Francisco...He is my baseball player.

robot meets zorine queen of the nudists

The year was 1935. In an effort to stave off the dismal economic slump that had made so many Depression-era San Diegans think of their city as a culturally stagnating dump, the San Diego City Council attempted to rally the spirits of its citizens by holding a massive exposition, which they hoped would boost tourism and jump start the faltering local economy.

The 1935 San Diego Exposition played host to hundreds of exhibits of historical, musical, artistic, scientific and industrial worth. And booking either end of the alphabetical list of attractions were the two headliners: Alpha the Robot and Zorine, Queen of the Nudists.

ectoplasmosis link

I am trying to keep my mind off of me.

exporitorium

The exporitorium was cool however I am home now. I am very tired from the drive, I will catch up tomorrow.

condom flies

CONCERT-GOERS at a Dutch festival have been treated to an unusual sight: a hot air balloon 40 metres high, shaped like a condom, drifting across the sky. The balloon, with the words "Vrij Veilig" — Dutch for "Safe Sex" — emblazoned on it, was launched by the public health service at the festival in Lichtenvoordein.

link

Leaving San Fran

Today we are leaving San Francisco. For all it's beauty summer here is just to cold. The whole time has been jacket weather. I prefer the weather back in San Diego which is shorts and T shirts. The kids had a melt down last night at the sports store which I ended up spending two hundred dollars on 2 jerseys and a jacket.I have to catch up on the blogs because it is hard enough just posting from my blackberry. I hope to be home at a reasonable hour.

UNTIL

This was post game at the San Francisco Giants ATT stadium. The post game show was for "UNTIL" they find a cure for aids. It's a non profit organization funded by the SF Giants. It provides funding for aids research. The whole show was great and the fireworks were better than the 4th of July.

San Francisco Giants

We missed Barry Bonds home run last night because we were on the wrong bus. My wife use to live here so she had it all figured out. We ended up at the game around the bottom of the 2nd inning. That sucked for me I wanted to get a cab. However the game was great and there were a lot of home runs. The kids had fun and thats what counts. I am trying to get my wife to go back to alanon because she was happy when she was going. We are off to the Muir woods today. The fireworks at the end of the game were better than the Fourth of July it was for "UNTIL" aids awareness check out my youtube lash505.

Giants Game

Tonight we are going to the San Francisco Giants baseball game. My boy's are excited and so am I. Yesterday is in the past and today starts a new day. I hope my wife has a fun day. I will do anything to make her feel happy today. Last night I took the boy's to golden gate park to throw the baseball. They had a blast and got to see a skunk. I love my boys.My wife had some alone time so I hope it helped. I am posting from my blackberry.

lost in San Francisco

This my first vacation since being sober. There has been a lot of yelling from my wife at the kids. Its driving me mad, because it reminds me of how my mom was when I was growing up. I feel like running away, but there is no where to go. I would like to hit a meeting, but she would be more angry. Tomorrow is another day, another chance to be sober.

Kiva

We let you loan to the working poor Kiva lets you connect with and loan money to unique small businesses in the developing world. By choosing a business on Kiva.org, you can "sponsor a business" and help the world's working poor make great strides towards economic independence. Throughout the course of the loan (usually 6-12 months), you can receive email journal updates from the business you've sponsored. As loans are repaid, you get your loan money back. kiva link

leader

I was the leader at a mens meeting last night. I talked but I also cried. I am not a crybaby, however I felt embarrassed. I feel better today, but emotionally worn out.

DIA

Denver international airport is a pain in the ass. I am sitting in the smoking lounge looking at all the strange people. There is a guy who has probably 500 ear rings in his ear. Sitting with a black woman that has grey hair.They both look like meth addicts. Then there are these groups of guys that probably follow nascar drinking multitudes of beer. They have their richard petty sunglasses on. There is a salior probably heading to his ship talking on his cell phone.Two marines that look like my sons grown up. They are in kami's probably heading to Iraq. There is a lot of people that have a distant look on their face's. I am leaving because all the smoke is making my head hurt.

mc rocks

We had a blast and mc ate like a pig, but so did I. It's so cool that I can talk with someone that I feel like I have known for a long time. MC is my friend.

I don't know who that other asshole pig is in the picture.

close call in boulder

I had a big business dinner tonight and one of the guys remembered my drinking days. He kept egging me on to have a drink. I said that I didn't want anything and plus I don't drink. He kept it going most of the night. He was drunk and in disbelief that I didn't drink. I wish that it would have ended earlier. This is the worse postion I have been cornered into in the three years of sobriety. It made sense to drink something to show him and the other guys that I could drink. The reality is that I can't drink ever again or at least for today. .

chimnea

Ok, here you go my new chimnea. The party was great except for the wine and rolling rock beer that was at my party. Again 2 bottles of wine and a six pack of rolling rock didn't take me out. Step 1 I am an alcoholic so I can't drink and it is as simple as that. The good part was the fire and I burned a lot of logs. It makes me feel good inside to be around a fire. It reminds me of my grandfather who burned his trash everyday and while on vacation as a child I spent my time around him and the fire.

second lifemare

These assholes at second life are still trying to bill me even after I canceled 3 months ago. They are making their money by ripping of the consumer with over-charges. Second life is a rip off. Also read the Los Angeles Times article about the failing business's in Second Life click link

We are having my party tonight and I have to clean the house and the backyard. The kids are watching TV and I am getting pissed that they aren't doing anything to help. They better get moving soon because the friends are coming over soon. I got a new large chimnea photo to come. There is something spiritual about a fire.

Birthday

Today I am one year older. Wow, I feel sooo old. My wife was a bitch tonight.

los angeles

I am in los angeles stuck in traffic and I decided to post on my blog. I completed 4 and 5, yes I feel a surge of relief. It seems like I have grown today, however I will keep a few of the defects, because it is who I am. Today I am happy to be me.

blacberry 8803 Sprint

I am glad that I got this blackberry, it's by far the best blackberry I have ever had.The wierd thing is that on blogger buzz they say the only way to post to your blog is by using some blogger email address. The way I do it is by just logging on to my g account via blackberry, easy..

well I am doing my program writing every night, is there a end? I sure hope so.

step work

I am working through the 4th and 5th steps. It's time now and I am ready to clean house. I have had a lot on my plate as well as the unwillingness to put the stick down until now. After drinking and using so long the cob webs have finally cleared and now I can have a clear head in what I need to do. I am meeting with my sponsor this week to do the 4th and 5th step.

verify WTF

I don't know about this one..link worse than failure

I was at church today when I was looking at blog posts and I came across meg's post link to see. It hit me how powerful prayer can be and it doesn't matter about your surroundings. That bathroom tested my faith, would I have got down on my knee's? I hope I would have.

jr pewee football

My oldest son is playing football, yes. We went to the coaches meeting today and I saw more fathers in tank tops then I have ever seen before. Ego was so thick in the room that I found myself gasping for oxygen. These overweight slobs were trying to impress others by their weight and of lack of muscle. Whatever, it was more a guy bullshit thing than anything else. It's just weird being sized up by people who probably never played football. I did play through Junior year and then found something more profitable dealing drugs.

feelings

Isn't that a song, anyways I am feeling good and busting my ass at work. I have kept myself focused on what I need to do in my life. Well almost I need to do some work on the steps again, but with the boys, work and the wife it makes for no time. I need to make time and get moving, because when things are moving too good there has to be something coming up around the corner. Whats around the corner is why I need to prepare. This involves adding a meeting and hitting the big book.

game

Testing the waters again for an alcoholic or a addict is like playing a losing game. The reality is you will end up dead.

I have been working on bids all week and I have one left. My assistant does not know how to make an excel spread sheet. She is young and was hired by my boss. He wants all the staff under 27 so that he will feel young again. It is like his fountain of youth. So I have to do all my own shit..

meeting

Every year in June the june bugs fly all over inside our meeting. See our meeting is in a old farm house/barn and there is no heating or air conditioning. We have to keep the windows open and they swam inside our meeting. Everyone laughs at people's reactions to being basically attacked by june bugs. It is great to hear laughter in a room with so much pain.

too many kids

Last night or should I say yesterday, I watched not only my three boys but my wife's friend's 3 kids. Her friend is visiting from back east. She has two girls and a boy. My wife and her friend went out to dinner and then to a fire pit bar. It was amazing how the mix of girls kept the boys in line. There was only minor flare ups, but a hell of a lot easier than having my three boys alone. I made spaghetti for dinner and brownies of dessert. I read all of them a story and they went to bed. Wow, I couldn't have done that drinking. My wife and her friend got home around 12:30 am and little buzzed.

back from phoenix

Wow 112 degrees and I felt like my brain was going to melt. I don't know how the hell people live there. All my meeting went good and this new designer we hired doesn't drink. I think he is one of us, but I am not sure. I felt at ease around him and that only happens with alcoholics and addicts.

Phoenix had its temptations since the weather was hot and a cold beer sounded good. Put it left as fast as it came. You know, we are real winner's today.

pray to god

When I was drinking I knew god wasn't there for me. Why would god not help a person like me and why did I suffer as well as all the people around me. I do not know the answers to this, but I do know that god was there and I was not. Now things are going good in my life because of god and the program. It is simple as, if I believe in both as much as I can then the odds are that I will be sober tomorrow.

Here

email down and working on. I will catch up tomorrow night.

cheap labor

I used cheap labor to do some tile work at my house. The job they did sucked and I had to rip some of the tile out and all of the base boards. I was so pissed off I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I ended up going outside and played catch with my younger son. After I calmed down, I went up stairs, paid them and told them to leave. I have been redoing their work all day and I am exhausted. I have to paint the base boards tonight.

A guy in our home group had a call I never want to take. The highway patrol called him to say that his teenage daughter died in a car crash. She was not wearing her seat belt and was thrown from the car. Also they are going to do a toxicology test. She was driving the car.

What's for Breakfast

I use to start my morning with a variety of pills oxycontin's, allergy, high blood pressure and a occasional vitamin. This was all followed by a 750ml bottle of crown royal. Thank god I don't start my mornings like that anymore.

Mother Hips

This is a great socal beach band that knows how to jamm.. click link

Fire

I was talking with a few fire fighters today and they said this fire season doesn't look good. I don't know why I am posting this, but obviously I don't have a lot of things going on. That is a good thing for someone like me.

life is a trip being sober

Life is totally cool being sober, it's like having the best drug out there and it is free. I am feeling sober today.

what the

My boss hired his nephew and wants me to train him to work in my territory. There is something wrong with this picture, but whatever. If he wants me gone than so be it. I am too tired to give a shit about this job. I do the best I can and thats got to be worth something. It will be weird, but what isn't in this world. I am part owner of the company so if I leave I will get something. Perhaps scraps, however being sober and dealing with a fear is a hell of a lot easier than being drunk and worrying about everything.

Fathers Day

Happy Fathers day to all the sober fathers. We can break the chain...

always behind

I was thinking about when I use to drink and use I always felt way behind in my work. It was a constant struggle for years to keep up on a weekly basis. Most of the time projects would just pass me by. Today I am not struggling to keep up and the reason is that I am sober.

sober on a wall

Sometimes this whole sobriety thing is like humpty dumpty sitting on a wall. You go out and drink and your whole life is in pieces. I get my power from god and the people of aa, so I don't plan on sitting on any wall soon.

I found this photo in my camera which I had taken the photo in vegas last month. All is well at the home front and I wish you all well as well. yikes..

grad boy

Well the little one graduated from preschool today and it was sad. He was so sweet standing up on the alter, I am going to miss him being my little guy. They grow up way to fast. I wish I had more time to spend with them...

here

What the hell, I am beat.. I have been busting my ass all week and my boss wants more. He can kiss my ass because I  not working like a dog unless he throws me some bones.

My youngest is graduating from kindergarten tomorrow. He thinks he is in the bigtime now.. Maybe he is..

laptop down

Well I was slamed by a virus. It knocked my McAffe out. I was up to date on all the virus protection downloads. I was pissed off, because a clean install was evident. After I talked with dell the virus changed to a driver that went bad. It was not good news because a clean install was necessary. I use to drink over shit like this..

baseball party

I went to my sons baseball party and every was drinking beer. I was a little uncomfortable, but hung anyways. I guess since it was warm out a sunny beer sounded good. It only lasted a second, because if I going out it's going to be several beer trucks. Besides these guys were buzzed on a few beers. I had fun after a while and added some humor flavor to the conversation. My son was glad I went and thats all I care about.

addiction,baseball,me

dinner

I had dinner tonight with my wife and several friends of ours. They are norms but fun to hang around. They were drinking martini's but had just two each. So it's perfect for me to be around, because they don't drink a lot. For some reason the more a person drinks the more I want to drink. So if someone is drunk, that is the type of buzz I would want.

I can't hide from the world just because my life style is now different. If I am truly to survive, I need to coexist in a drinking and using world. That's what AA allows me to do, coexist.

addiction

late night

I am having a late night trying to place a .swf file into a blog centered. The height and width keeps screwing up. It's in blogger and I am doing it for my clients. Whatever it seems like this crap is un-ending. Rusty is good so maybe she or anyone else can help me. I just a little run down, so sleep tight.

sobriety,addiction

 

it's over

The funeral was a sad affair, and their two boys looked worn out. It was an hour and 1/2 and was way to short for someones life. We went over to their house after the funeral and it was just me, my wife and my 3 boys with her and the two boys. We talked of how things could have been different if we only had 8 hours more. He would have been in detox at the hospital and on his way to recovery. But today is the last day he will be remembered like he was at the funeral. There is no coming back and people begin to forget about you. That is sad to me, but if I drink it will happen to me. I want to live today, because I am sober.

Wed

I can't believe it is already Wednesday.. This week is flying by fast. Tomorrow is the day and I want to run for some reason. There are no kids allowed except for ours which is strange in a way, but maybe not so strange because their father was an alcoholic and I know I am one. I think I am feeling this freak shit because it should have been me laying in that coffin. I was thinking motorcycle mike can get me out of here. haha. Actually if you look at the photo close you will notice that it is Daave riding on the back..

sobriety,my life,addiction

cansado

Well my son's last baseball game was tonight and they lost 5 to 2. He struck out and popped out and of course it was with his new bat. I felt bad for him because he wanted to hit the ball so bad. He will have to wait till winter ball to get another chance. All three will be playing winter baseball, but for now it will be soccer for the youngest two and football for the oldest.

Well the funeral is Thursday and I am really not looking forward to going. The emotional ride I have been on is exhausting. I need to do it for his kids and wife, they need our support so I will suck it up. I am a alcoholic and the things that make me feel uncomfortable are the things I need to do.

baseball,addiction,dad

sunday

addiction,G8,Cormac McCarthy

I am heading out to practice with my oldest boy. His team is in the playoffs and I bought him a lighter bat. He was a switch hitter last year and the bat he has is to heavy to hit left handed. So there go's another $100.00. He wants to switch hit in the playoffs because of the left handed pitchers.

My wife is back from oregon and the boys are happy. They really love their mother..She bought me the new book by Cormac McCarthy. He is my favorite author..

Harland Miller

I remember the first time I came across the Hemingway painting I'm So Fucking Hard - it was propped against the wall in a studio, an appropriately imposing object, about 6ft by 4ft - I laughed out loud. Ditto its companion painting, Dirty Northern Bastard, attributed to DH Lawrence. click link

Jonas Valtersson

Jonas Valtersson is a great photographer that has a lot of cool photos. click link

Contribute

addiction,sobriety

This is a new way of posting to your blog using adobe contribute CS3...

reading to the boys

My oldest son has read books from early childhood. At 6 he could read a 200 + page book in 45 minutes. I would often see him siting by himself reading a novel. It's really cool to see that, because I never did. As he gets older I hope he keeps his thoughts to the book and not other things..

I am looking for laughter this weekend, because I need to laugh.

WOT

That's for wife's out of town. She had to fly up to bend oregon for a meeting. She will be back tomorrow, so therefore I have the boys. My oldest son has a baseball tournament game tonight, so that will be fun. I took them to school today and they were all happy which made me feel good. Thanks for the prayers for our friend..