Thursday, August 31, 2006

In my hands

I always thought that I had people in the palm of my hands. It made me feel powerful and my ego was well fed. It was only till one day I look in my hands and found that there was no one there, I was alone.


For The Clueless
"CatDog A cat on one end, and a dog on the other--what do you call it? CatDog, of course! Cat and Dog have been sharing quarters (hind quarters, that is) since they were born, which hasn't been easy since they're as different as well, cats and dogs.
Check out Kat Doug on HNT

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Stop Smoking

Man this is the next addiction on my list. I have about enough time now to start going after the idea of not smoking. I am a creature of habit, so I am sure it will be hard. I plan on stocking up on David's sunflower seeds. I am debating on the patch, gum, pill, or just cold turkey.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Do The Steps

This is what happens if you don't do the steps.
Click Link

Monday, August 28, 2006

Spirituality Unease

I have a feeling of spiritiual unease. I have been trying really hard to understand why. It is probably because I feel like I have a cold.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

My Youngest Son

I finally understand soccer. I never played the sport. I always played football and baseball.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Soccer Saturday

Just 2 soccer games today, yeahh. Its fun watching the kids run around having fun. I which they would have the same excitement while cleaning their rooms.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Thursday, August 24, 2006



I saw this photo and imediatley could identify with the photo. It was the way my life use to be or could be tomorrow. The people who I started out loving were slowly being replaced. What I did for my addiction I have yet to do for anyone else. I am glad as of today I haven't, because I am sure the next time I will die.

Beetle Juice

The agriculture department has placed a lot of Japanese beetle traps around my office. The beetle is a shinny green large bug about the size of a small avocado. The beetle in flight is a formidable opponent. I make the kids come inside when I see one flying around. The beetle has been known to fly off with small children. posted on hnt

Wednesday, August 23, 2006


I am just in that funking kind of mood today. Part of it has been from waiting for my new Chicago Bears hat and it came. All the excitement is gone, do you know the feeling? It is the whole self bullshit thing going on now. I have to put self on a shelf for awhile. The other part of the funk is the whole fear of the future, the Job.


The IPOD can do about anything including a low voltage vibrator.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Russian Archive

During the days of Stalin, they posted a lot of warnings about the dangers of alcohol.

Sony Transparent TV » - Blog that speaks everything

This tv is for real.  I would probably run into it all the time.

Link to Sony Transparent TV » - Blog that speaks everything

Public Pee

When I was drinking I would urinate anywhere. Who was watching didn't really matter, maybe except for a cop.

Windows Live Writer

 This isn't so great Trudge, because it cant upload pictures.

Link to Coffee Bitch

Monday, August 21, 2006


Today I don't have to look like these idiots.


For what I am being paid now, I might as well be delivering pigs. I am part owner of the company (10%) and the whole scope of our business is a blur. My boss is a drinking alcoholic/user and I am living his fucked up decisions. Where is the person that needs to wave the magic wand?

Sunday, August 20, 2006


Tonight my wife asked me to go to the store for her. As I was making the list I remembered when alcohol was the only thing on my list. I would end up going several times to the store to get items I forgot. It worked out because I would buy more alcohol each time just in case it was the alcohol I forgot.

The Bottom

I heard the bottom talked about many times. For me, I had nothing left physically or emotionally. I had been knock off my feet before, however this time I wasn’t getting up.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Youth Soccer

What a trip it was today the following are the game times,9:00am, 10:00am, 2:30 pm. We are wiped out and I am going to bed. My boys are the ones on the right of each photo. Coffee Bitch

Friday, August 18, 2006

Mi Casa

Damn,I am glad to be home. The kids were excited to see me. I started bringing them back little presents each time I travel. I know its not probably the best idea but I miss them when I am gone. We have three soccer games tomorrow, therefore it's going to a long day.
My laptop is fixed and I am one happy dude. I have missed commenting on blogs and posting with photo's. I missed most of all a email from my buddy mary c about going to a meeting. We are going to a meeting next trip (soon).

Airport to Home

I went to a meeting last night at a detox center. There were about six of us at the meeting. I was sober the longest so I helped lead the meeting with another guy. Everyone shared from the heart. I shared my story and talked about how I didn't have to live that way anymore and how my life is so much better.I spokeof hope and the promises. It was one of the best meetings I have attended. Blackberry rocks.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Denver lapless

My laptop is not working, so I left it at home. I am in Denver on business for a couple days. A Dell service guy is coming to my house to replace the lcd. I feel lost without my laptop. Thanks to my workhorse Blackberry I can post. The only problem is commenting on blogs it takes so long. I hope to check out a meeting tonight on york street.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


My wife and I have been married for 13 years today. We have made it through some pretty tough times. However she is a strong woman and a person I admire.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Alone Time

The wallet was found with all the money and the credit cards. There are honest people in the world.
Man, do I need some alone time, because it feels like the world is closing in on me. The job is getting really stressful, because I am wearing too many hats. The soccer practices for three boys are 1 1/2 to 2 hours. The house is messy, because the kids are leaving shit everywhere and the dog basically fucked up the back yard. But all these are quality problems today. yikes...

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Travel Plans

So making any final vacation plans? I would leave the following travel destinations off your list. The top most dangerous places to travel.

Saturday, August 12, 2006


I got in Friday night and the kids were going nuts and the house was a disaster. I was only gone 3 days what happened. I felt like jumping back in my car and going to a hotel. When the kids finally realized I was home they asked for their presents (bad habit), and of course they didn't like them. Also I bought my wife some new funky clothes, but the clothes were the wrong size. After 10 minutes of trying to figure out what went wrong, I realize my wallet was not in my pocket. Yes my wallet was lost somewhere between the airport and home. I basically had a meltdown.
Saturday morning was a great; I was awakened by 3 boys jumping on me. I swear I feel like they are killing me. I made them breakfast and we got ready for 3 soccer games. The schedules were 2 at 11:00 am and 1 at 2:00 pm. My wife took my youngest son to his game and I took my 7 year old to his game. My oldest son came with me, which made me feel good since I had been out of town. My youngest son scored 4 goals out of 7 attempts (3 hit the cross bar). My 7 year old had 2 goals. My oldest played the whole game and didn't score. They all played their best today regardless of the goals and for that I am grateful. If I can just do my best for today, chances are the day will turn out good.

Friday, August 11, 2006

SJC Airport

I was really surprised how easy it was to get through security at the airport. Granted San Jose airport is not a large airport, but it is usually a fucking mess.The security was tighter which made me feel at ease. I hate waiting at airports, because I would always drink a lot. It was a way of making my fear of flying go away. I am sober now and I still don't like flying, but today it's not a big enough fear for me to drink.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Dinner and Meeting

This was the perfect sober life: I had dinner at a French restaurant. I ordered seared sea bass with artichokes, rice and a nice orange French sauce on top. After finishing this nice dinner, I rode a city bus to go to a meeting. We rode six blocks and I got off of the bus. The meeting was 50 feet away and I was impressed. The meeting was about the 5th and 6th step and I shared how the results of my character defects were reasons why I drank. I talked with a few people afterwards and missed my bus. I called a friend in AA and talked with him while I walked back to the hotel. There were lots of bars with people laughing, but I knew I could be one of them. I saw the Presidio and within a few blocks I was back at my hotel sober.

Golden Gate

I went over the Golden Gate Bridge this morning and the fog was just starting break. I felt something spiritual while driving over. I saw the beauty of the fog rolling over the top the bridge with the Muir Woods in the distance. I use to drive drunk over The Golden Gate and saw only the white lines. Today I am happy to be sober because the world around me is a colorful place. posted on HNT

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

San Francisco

Tomorrow, I am heading for business meetings in San Francisco. I love it there because of the food, the fog, and the utter beauty. There isn't a city that compares. There are a lot of cool recovery places with a lot of history. There is one meeting I really like and I hope to attend. It was purchased over 50 years ago by a priest. It provides housing, meals and recovery for 10 men who commit to stay sober for 9 months. It gives them a chance to find a job and get back on their feet. There is no cost, so they can save nine months worth of paychecks. The success rate is extremely high.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Mother Jesus

I have been renting an office behind a church. The space had been vacant for awhile, so it was good for me and the church. There have been recent changes in the church. I am now getting toss from my office space, because I don't subscribe to mother jesus. What do you think of mother jesus?

Sunday, August 06, 2006


"There is no beauty in war" a Soldier in Iraq

"Never think that war, no matter how necessary. nor how justified, is not a crime" _ Ernest Hemmingway

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Morning Drinker

I always felt when I woke in the morning that I needed a drink. I just couldn't make it with out at least a couple drinks. After I had the alcohol in my system everything felt ok. I would take a shower and get ready for work. This ritual lasted for awhile until one day I could not pour the drink. My hands just didn't work, because they were shaking to hard. I stumbled inside and lied upon the bed sweating and shaking violently. I was rushed to the hospital and ended up in detox. I don't have the ability to stay sober on my own.

Talladega Nights

I saw the movie with my oldest son last night. I thought the movie was pretty funny and on the mark of race fans. Ricky Bobby reminds me of a uncle I have that still races to this day on the short dirt tracks of the south. He acts just like Ricky Bobby, very scary. There were a few off color remarks, however overall the movie was a rental.
After the movie Jackson and I went to the cold stone ice cream store. We had fun eating ice cream and watching the people walk by. We had a great time together.

Thursday, August 03, 2006


I use to always sneak around to get high or have a drink. I had coolers buried in the ground that I use to fill with beer and ice. I glued 1" of dirt to the cooler tops and they were never found. I use to build hidden storage areas in the walls for my drugs. I used a big gulp cup filled with crown royal to drink at my kids games. etc, etc. I keep memories like those in forefront of my thoughts.

12 Steps

Mr. Toe

Mr. Toe has gained some weight from too much activity. posted on HNT

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Good Day

I just had a good day today for whatever reason. Things weren't going my way, however it didn't f*#cking matter. I took my oldest son shopping for new cleats, a size 5 ball and shin guards. We had fun, I love making him laugh. Giving laughter is one of my assets. I took him to practice then headed home to pick up my other two boys for their soccer practice. Thank god all my kids had practice in the same general area. I watched each by walking back and forth to the 3 fields. I am just a happy sober man.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Step Work

Tonight I have been doing a little step work. It seems like it doesn't take long to hit a vein of pain. The steps have been one of those unfinished tasks. I really believe that some need to rush through the steps while others need time to heal a little.


When I drank and used I was never there for my family. I use to be passed out or a half functioning shell of a man. I was looking through photos and videos of the birthdays, Christmas and other events; in all the photos I had an effortless smile and a blank look. I don’t have to live that way anymore as long as I have God and the program of alcoholic’s anonymous.