Sunday, July 31, 2005
I just got back from church. I still feel that some how goð left me while I was drinking and using. I am trying to understand why he let me go thru all the things that I did. I was just a kid when a freight train hit my life, sending all the pieces of my inocence scattered about. I have been able to gather any of the pieces.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Well my sick boss sends me a $275.00 PDA case. What the hell is wrong with him. He won't pay my closet office rent for $450.00 a month and tells me to move home. He even threatens me with the the dreaded Ax. The man is truly sick and is so self absorbed that any accidential spills around him vanish. If he had clones not only would they destroy the world, but they also would put Bounty out of business.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
My boss coming out to California is making me sick. Why do I give this little hateful man so much power. I put in gods hand and some how I end up taking it back. He has been out to get me since I have came back from rehab. He is as nasty as can be, just because my life is getting better, there is no reason to act the way he does. Other people in my company have noticed his anger towards them. Maybe his anger has been there all along and because I am sober I see it. I must not let him win.
Monday, July 25, 2005
I am sitting at DMV waiting for my number to be called G20, I swear its like playing Keno in Las Vegas. I feel pretty good today why I don't know. I guess I am just happy to be sober. That seems like an odd statement coming from a person like me. I shared at the meeting last night and that could be the answer. I need to stop questioning.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
My boss has been a complete ass. He now has refused to pay for my office and is making me pay 20% of my health care. Moving my office home was not going to be good for my sobriety. The wife a three boys wold be chaos. While sitting on my drive way a Episcopol priest who lives up the street walked by I told him my problem. He said I so happen to have a space for you pay what you can. I thanked him and he said don't thank me its not mine its Gods. Wow, we have been going on and off to his church and that was mainly because he was there spiritually for my wife while I was in rehab. She was ready to leave me and take the kids. There is a God and you don't have to look for him.
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
I have three boys and a norme for a wife. All my boys are under 8 years old so any damage was minimal. I am glad for that, but it seems they got on with life and I seem to be left behind in somé way. I feel like I am really in this thing for life. I have accepted that I am an alcoholic but this life thing sucks. Not so much the drinking but just the way I think. Well this is what I get for not moving on with my fourth step. Sit in the pain long enough and you will drink. That's what they say anyways.
Monday, July 18, 2005
Having kids can help your sobriety because they take up a lot of your time. On the other hand they can send you head spinning like a top. Throw in a neighbor kid and now you have pure hell on earth. Man I just feel like shuting them up especially the neighbor kid. Serinity is no where around here. Bible study is in 30 mins.
Tonight I am going to bible study. This is one of those things you don't want to do, but you end up doing because it was suggested to you. I might not agree with the pastor guy but while I'm there I read the bible so that's not so bad. I could be out drinking and my city probably would'nt like that, so I think I will stay sober. My small man boss is coming back tomorrow and I feel sick. He is a asshole that comes up to my waist. Oh yes he still drinks and uses what a loser. Wow I thought I had an ego. Last time he was in town I drove him back to his hotel after a business dinner/party and he couldn't hardly walk. He fell asleep in my passenger seat so I played a game how close could I get his head to the dashboard with out hitting. Well it was really hard and his little doll like head took a beating. See now I feel better.
I must say today I feel like I don't care about anything. I am wondering if this something to be concerned with or is this just where I'm suppose to be. Well I think this is a question for my sponsor. Wait maybe its that someone who I care about to a cake last night. That is it, I built this whole thing up and now it has ended. Now I need something new to look forward to. How selfish is that, well I run a selfish program.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Tonight was step 11 what the hell do I know about it. Actually I did this during my 3rd step. I know there is a God and he is looking after me. I have been to the other spectrum "evil" and nothing good came from it. I need to pray more but its hard finding time when you have three boys. What an excuse I need prayer for my peace. That is the balance "peace" when you have it your in balance. I plan on getting back on track on prayer prior to going to bed and when I get up. I need to work on my steps because I am becoming angry person. I am so sick of the pain.
This is one of the things that get me into trouble Women This is the video similar to the one I saw as a child Teach Me This is issolation at its finest hour. So many nights I sat by myself, away from family and friends. WTF I think I will go hang out with some AA people.
Friday, July 08, 2005
This was totally me when I was a kid. The destruction was just begining. How issolation seemed to be what I knew as peace. Yet how far I have come. I didn't drink or use Today. Mike This was me in real life,the game I was playing everyday, right about 5:00pm. I had been drinking in my office all day only taking short trips to buy crown and miller lite. How lucky I have been not to have killed someone or myself. Drunk Driving
Thursday, July 07, 2005
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
I spoke with a business associate of mine on Friday. I really laid in on him about not having my sample ready to send to my client. He was moving his plant and I had run out of patience. I let me have it about delaying me for two weeks. I told him that he is costing our company a lot of money and I asked him, " are you trying to kill me?" I found out today that he died of a heart attack on Saturday. I felt somehow responcible for his death. Do I have the ability to controll who lives and dies? No, the last time I checked there is already a God. It amazes me how close we keep that stick we use to beat ourselves up. I need a meeting.
Monday, July 04, 2005
This is a commitment I didn't want. However there is probably a reason why I have it now. Come to think about it, by going to my aftercare commitment every week for a year, may be one of the reasons why I'm sober today. Thats where 6-10 addictive guys sit in a circle and discuss their week. Whats bothering them, how are they dealing with addiction, how many meetings they attended, how many contacts have they made with their sponsor,etc. Bottom line its another year of reducing my ego so it will fit my head. Thats not so bad. I hate cakes!
Friday, July 01, 2005
This what I have been searching. Even though it may last only a sort while. Drinking it wasn't the same after awhile it became a chase with no end and with no results. The kids and wife are out of town and its just me and the dog and of course a fire outback. This is a time when I feel gods presence and its comforting. I think its worth any hardship you go through in sobriety to be able to have days or evenings like this. They maybe few but they just get better and last a tiny bit longer.