Saturday, December 31, 2005

Happy New Year

By God I will not drink tonight. The party was a little tough last night and I just have one more to do to. Everyone is in a nasty mood today, because of their hangovers. My wife just had one drink last night, but if I wasn't there she would have had more. I am tired of being here and I want to go home. I have a plan for 2006 and that is to kick ass in business I need to make more money. I have come to believe that if I take out worring about financial issues in my life my sobriety will become stronger. Happy New Year and for Sobriety I have only one day at a time.

Friday, December 30, 2005

Holiday Hate

I am stuck up here with people drinking rum and wine and I am the only sober one. There are a 15 adults and 12 children. I feel alone to night more than I have ever felt even though I talked to a couple guys in my home group. They made me feel good however I feel far away. Being comfortable is very important to me now in my life more than ever. It might be that I have only a year and a half. I am scared to pick up the big book and read it, because people are wandering around in and out of rooms. I just don't want to get into a conversation about my recovery with a drunk person. So here I sit up with the kids watching Scrooge Sesame Street style and blogging. I thank god for allthe ways he has guided me to stay sober tonight.

Thursday, December 29, 2005


We went to my wifes step brothers house, so that we could see their new house. Her father and his wife came with us. The other step brother came over as well. They were all drinking wine and the two step brothers would go a back room and drink. I went out side for a smoke and saw bother of them sucking down beers. I felt offended that they were drinking behind my back. The hole hiding the drinking thing was very familar to me.That's what I did when I didn't want people to drink my alcohol stash or I didn't want someone counting the number of drinks Iwas having. I told the brothers not to hide from me, and to drink in front of me.I sometimes feel like I am some kind of freak side show act. Every seems to be watching me as if I was going to sneak off and drink. Its like I had gone to jail for a crime I didn't commit, but everyone thinks I did the crime.


We were up in the mountains today and my kids played in the snow for the first time. They loved it was almost like christmas for them. I can't believe I have yet to take my family camping or snowboarding. I guess now I am closing in on 2 years I want to do more and see more thru sober eyes. I believe that today was like christmas for me to.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


I was having the alone empty feeling today. I was around my kids and wife and even my father inlaw and his wife yet I was alone. These are the times I seek meetings, but they have everything planned and my wife even made it clear not to rent a car. I didn't rent a car, because she would feel uncomfortable and knowing me I would find an excuse to leave and be by myself. Not being able to leave when I wish is very uncomfortable for me. The next trip I will make damn sure I rent a car. I am also having a problem staying in head. I need to go to a meeting.

Daily reprieve

"For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead." - Alcoholics Anonymous, page 14-15 When I get back from vaction in Seattle. I plan to start giving some of my time to talking with people in a hospital's detox center. This is the same center I went to and then to their rehab center for 28 days. The days in detox are when you life is unmanagable and that for me is when I realized I can't control this emptyness any longer.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005


We are on the way to the airport for a week vacation. We are headed to Camano Island, which is north of Seattle. It's where my father inlaw lives. I threw he and his wife out of my house 2 years ago. I did a amends around a year ago. They support my sobriety.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas


Artist no More

I use to paint and it seems some where the creativity has left. For that I feel sad. Has it died in side of me with some other parts of my life.

My Boss is a Dick

He finally has almost pushed me over the edge. He owes me $14,000.00 in past expenses and was suppose to overnight the check to my bank. Didn't do it, never happen, and now my ammex is cut off on Chistmas eve. I am sure it's going to be another battle on what we agreed upon. I really felt like drinking tonight.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Drunk Santa

My family and I went to the nutcracker today and the boys liked it, but I could tell they were bored. I need to push some more culture on them now so they will end up having an open mind to their environment Well after the show we walked around downtown S.D. looking for a place to eat. We ran across some addicts and alcoholic's in a rough area. I felt comfortable, but my wife demanded to take the kids back to the car, so that we could drive instead of walk. After we got back in the car we passed Island Street a detox center used by the cop's the place was packed. I said a prayer for the people which was "God please let these people get it". I hope the Santa coming to my house this year is a sober Santa.

Rumsfeld eyes US pullback in Iraq

By Lesley Wroughton 34 minutes ago FALLUJA, Iraq (Reuters) - Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said on Friday the number of U.S. combat troops in Iraq would be cut by some 7,000 by early next year, but the number involved in training Iraq's new military would increase. Rumsfeld, the second senior U.S. official to visit Iraq this week in the wake of last week's election, said progress in Iraq's politics, economics and security lay behind the decision to scale back the combat troops.

Marines Not Home For Christmas

"when the rich ones make the war, are always the poor persons who die" We have had a large number of Marines that live in my area that were killed in action or disabled. Disabled is such a generic and understated word for what is the truth. I would associate disabled with ADA requirements. The truth is loss of limbs, burned, scared, maimed, loss of sight, sanity etc. Churches have adopted marine families to help take care of basic needs that most of us take for granted. I know of a wife who has to drive her husband almost two hours to and from the VA hospital for treatment. This doesn't include her having to wait for the treatment to be completed. All totaled it's 4 to 5 hours a day. All because of a RPG (rocket propelled grenade). Who watches the kids? The church volunteers for now. How many are like this? Another friend has to tell marines families that their son or daughter aren't coming home. The proof of death photo's shown families are graphic and a memory I would want to have of my son. Not all good comes with war, but a war based one man's grudge or so called misinformation is unforgivable. My prayers are with the families and the soldiers on the ground.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Step Study

We did step 8 tonight and I really felt a stronger urge to complete the 4th step. I am sitting on things that are a struggle for me. The ability to release myself from the punishment that I have created seems to be more difficult than if it was given by someone else. The key is that I have given these things more power than I have given god or myself. If I really try to break it down all the parts are connected to one thing fear. Fear is one reason I drank. I am going to be making more of an effort to get the ball rolling again.

Bonus Bullshit

I get this letter from my boss: "Sorry we weren't able to give you more this year, but money has been tight". Fuck that he and 27 year old wife are going to an Island for Christmas, asshole! Then he says "let's have a strong 1st quarter". Whaaatt the hell are talking about, my ass still hurts from 2003 when he gave me the same mombo jumbo and the same amount of money. The only thing I want is to just get ahead financially for a year. Simple request, but it never works that way.

Pope Benedict XVI

Thank God the Santa at the Mall doesn't look like him or my kids would be terrified of Christmas.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Weird Trips

I had alot of trips in my day, we use to use window pane and then I ended up dealing acid as well. That lasted a short time, because of a bad trip I had. I was out on a farm with a bonfire and we got to close to the fire and one guy was badly burned.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Nature's Way of Fucking You

This is also natures way of telling you not to back up to close.

Today was OK

No major problems today and these types of days are becoming more frequent. I was talking with my sponsor today and we seemed to speak mainly of gratitude. The opportunity we have to make changes in our lives for the better. The bond that we have now with our kids seems to be mainly based on spirituality. By putting god and sobriety forefront in ones life, you would think that anything is beatable. But I have one obstacle that's is a hidden desire to drink and it's right behind me breathing on my left shoulder. It to me is nothing more than something evil. I did a lot of bad things under its influence. The day I feel I have control of this hidden desire or urge to drink is the day I pick up my first drink.

Christmas Blues

I swear I am sick of shopping and returning presents. I can't make up my mind what I want. I don't need any new suits or clothes. I have enough tech shit around. I don't want anything basically because I can't afford what I want. I always seem to want things I know I can't get. I hardly feel excited about this Christmas, I feel like I should get some gift for having a 1 and 1/2. I guess that gift is I am sober and my three boys are smiling and laughing now. The Chain is broken until my next drink.


“When dealing with an alcoholic, there may be a natural annoyance that a man could be so weak, stupid and irresponsible.” - Alcoholics Anonymous, page 139 _______________________ “Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases…” - Psalm 103:2-3 _______________________ FOR WHAT IT’S WORTH: Being a drunk certainly annoyed me. I saw it as one more weakness among many. Viewing alcoholism as a disease seemed like a dodge of responsibility and came hard for me. Once I accepted that I was a sick man, however, I felt relief from some of the heavy guilt that I carried. But I did not feel free of responsibility. Just the opposite - I needed to get to work on my recovery. The disease of alcoholism - on top of my bag of defects - created a huge, heavy pile of waste that has to be cleaned up. But it’s too heavy for me! I need my Heavenly Father and AA. I find tremendous healing from accepting God’s forgiveness and living the Twelve Steps of AA. I need never forget all my blessings. God bless you! Joe W.

Monday, December 19, 2005

What am I?

The Heart TriadWho react to life primarily in an emotional way These are often referred to as: Type 2, The Helper who reaches out to others Type 3, The Motivator who is primarily interest in accomplishments Type 4,The Individualist who moves others with his creativity The Thinking Triad Who react to life in an analytical way These are often referred to as: Type 5, The Investigator, who researches everything in life Type 6, The Loyalist, who is generally skeptical Type 7, The Enthusiast, who reaches out for life The Instinctive TriadWho react to life viscerally These three Types are often referred to as: Type 8, The Leader, who likes to be in charge Type 9, The Peacemaker, who is disturbed by turmoil Type 1, The Reformer, who is into right and wrong

Need a Higher Power

Just Look UP Higher Power

This guy is on the way to a mixed AA meeting

Learn Chinese


Sunday, December 18, 2005

I am Now Secretary

I was nominated tonight and I was pissed off, because I have been bringing the cake for 6 month's and was looking forward to a break. I am just tired of commitments, but after being voted in I will serve another commitment. There is 65+ guys there why me, I thought to myself. After a quick gratitude review the cake commitment was one of them, and I realized it helped keep me sober. Anything to better my odds of staying sober is fine by me. I share the responsibility with another guy who was nominated as well. Our shares are at a podium in front so I will make damn sure at 3 minutes the gavel will pound the table.

Statistics Don't Lie

General alcoholism statistics Professionals estimate that 40% of the population will have an addiction problem at some point in their life (alcohol, drugs, gambling, etc). An alcoholic or addict will significantly impact an average of 4-5 other lives (family, friends, associates, etc.) while under the influence of the disease. The odds of an alcoholic or addict quitting drinking or using alcohol "on their own" without professional help or regular recovery meetings is 1 in 50,000. Alcohol contributes to 100,000 deaths annually 8.1 million people are alcoholic Most alcoholics seeking treatment are in the 26-34 age group 3.1 million Americans -- approximately 1.4% of the population 12 and older -- received treatment for alcoholism and alcohol-related problems in 1997 3 million Americans over the age of 60 are alcoholics or have serious drinking problems 10% of the U.S. population’s drinkers drink 50% of all alcohol consumed 66% of the population consumes alcohol 13.8 million Americans - more than 7% of the population 18 years and older have problems with drinking Alcohol is the third leading cause of preventable death in this country 20% of suicide victims are alcoholic Driving Under the Influence On average, one alcohol-related traffic accident occurs every 30 minutes 79% of fatal crashes occurring from midnight to three in the morning involve alcohol In 2002 an estimated 17,419 people died in alcohol-related traffic crashes Weekends account for 54% of fatal crashes as compared to 32% during the week The highest intoxication rates in fatal crashes in 2001 was recorded for drivers 21-24 years old (33%), followed by ages 25-34 (28%) and 35-44 (25%) More than 500,000 people were injured in crashes involving alcohol One person is injured in an alcohol related accident approximately every two minutes. Beer accounted for most of the alcohol related fatalities in traffic accidents 30 % of Americans will be involved in an alcohol-related crash at some time in their lives Family and related alcohol statistics 6.6 million children under the age of 18 live in households with at least one alcoholic parent Accidents and suicides associated with alcohol problems are prominent during teen years 50% of all traffic fatalities and 33% of all traffic injuries are related to alcohol About 43% of U.S. adults are exposed to alcoholism in the family by a direct relation or as someone they know in the family 53 percent of men and women in the United States report that one or more of their close relatives have a drinking problem. Nearly 14 million Americans abuse alcohol or are alcoholic About 43% of adults in the U.S. have had a parent, child, sibling or spouse who is or was an alcoholic

Drinking Problem?

Ask yourself the following questions to find out if you have a problem with alcohol. If you answer “yes” to any one of them, you may have a drinking problem. Do you sometimes drink more than you mean to? Have you tried to cut back on your drinking and failed? Do you black-out (have trouble remembering things that happened) while drinking? Have your problems at school, work or with your relationships increased since you started drinking? Do you keep drinking even though you know it's causing you problems? Do you drink when you feel stressed? Do you drink alone? Can you drink much more now than you used to be able to? Do you ever feel uncomfortable when you haven't had a drink? Do you drink even when it's important to stay sober? How can I stop drinking? The first step is to admit that you have a problem and you want to stop. Talk to your doctor, or a parent, school counselor, or spiritual leader. You can also contact Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), an organization that helps people with drinking problems get better. Visit their Web site at, or check your local phone book for an AA meeting near you.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Too Many Bars

"His glance has grown so tired
of the bars passing, it cannot hold anything anymore.
For him it is as though there were a thousand bars
and behind a thousand bars no world." This my story and I don't have to do it any more, waking up hung-over and searching for something to drink to take away the pain. Just not being able to deal with people or circumstances. Everything now is just in my head and 98% of the time it's bullshit. I feel pretty damn good today, because I walked my dog with my two oldest boys. They had a blast and so did I. The dog loved it because she got run hard. All's Good..    

Friday, December 16, 2005

New skin with room to breathe

Some friends of ours through soccer and school, basically my 6 year olds friend's parents had a party. They had just finished their house and it was beautiful. The pool was huge and well landscaped they even had a built in bar/grill which was about 150 + square feet. He had the placed stock with all brands of liquor and beer. They said there is a ocean view on a real clear day. It was an alcoholic's dream. I had diet coke and talked with all the people I knew and didn't know. I made people laugh and they really seemed to enjoy my company. People think I am a wise ass, but funny and quick. This is one of the first times I left my fears at home and I don't know why but I did. I didn't go there with any preconceived resentment or any material inadequateness. I had my mojo back and it felt good. It might be only for one night but I will take it sober....

Soccer on Cable is Banned

Soccer on cable tv will be put on the parents control banned from viewing list.... Not to viewable, but the guys dick is hanging out...

Blogger Header???

Free Blogger Custom Header from wordpress. The only problem is I don't have photoshop...Fuck

Step Study

Well we were on step 7 last night and again I didn't share, because I was told that if you haven't finished the step than don't share. Whatever, people talked about religion problems and fears. I don't have a problem with my god now or religons, so god is all I give a shit about. I feel like the blaming of myself for things that happen in the past are taking there toll on me. I am also fearful of if everything doesn't get better, what then. So, I will trudge on to the indicated step which is 4.    

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Where Was my God

I don't know why but I have been thinking about where god was while I was drinking. I have been trying to remember if I had ever saw signs or something I just ignored. Why couldn't he have just dropped some sign directly on my head. The more I reflect back the longer I have realized I have been out there with little or no memory of my life's events. It seems that some gaps aren't days or months but years. So much to looking back in the past. Today all I know is through his grace I shall be healed of my short comings.


Holy shit this fire was a little to close to my office.

Daily Reprieve

“Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from Him who has all knowledge and power.” - Alcoholics Anonymous, page 85 _______________________ “You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever.” - Psalm 30:11-12 When I was out there drinking I didn't think that god was even there for me and now that I am sober I know he was there I just wasn't looking.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

What is success?

Our assumptions and beliefs drive our behavior.  What we believe we can achieve, we achieve.  Yet, when we believe we are not good enough to achieve something, we don't.  Fear is the only thing that holds people back from achieving personal success.  Success lies in being who you are, not in what you fear you should be.  What you think happens to you.
Everyone strives for success in one form or another.  People need to achieve worthwhile goals to feel satisfied with their lives, but everyone's goals vary.  We all need to become the kind of person we individually aspire to be.  Only you know what's important in achieving your vision of success.  However, we all seek shared outcomes, like happiness, self-awareness and expression, achievement and satisfying interpersonal relationships, to provide a foundation for where we want to be.

Why the post? I am back to reading my Dale Carnegie.    

Postcard From Iraq

Cured of Alcoholism

"We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition" I haven't been checking in with god on a daily basis till lately. I don't know if it was resentments or just my lack of a positive attitude. Whatever it was, I have learned that in order to avoid some of the ruts in life I need to strengthen my spirituality.


“Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.” Alcoholics Anonymous, page 20 “For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many." Matthew 20:28

Monday, December 12, 2005

Whats Going On

George Bush's Lack of Respect

SAN DIEGO -- There's controversy over how the military is transporting the bodies of service members killed overseas, 10News reported. A local family said fallen soldiers and Marines deserve better and that one would think our war heroes are being transported with dignity, care and respect. It said one would think upon arrival in their hometowns they are greeted with honor. But unfortunately, the family said that is just not the case. Dead heroes are supposed to come home with their coffins draped with the American flag -- greeted by a color guard. But in reality, many are arriving as freight on commercial airliners -- stuffed in the belly of a plane with suitcases and other cargo. John Holley and his wife, Stacey, were stunned when they found out the body of their only child, Matthew John Holley, who died in Iraq last month, would be arriving at Lindbergh Field as freight. Matthew was a medic with the 101st Airborne unit and died on Nov. 15. "When someone dies in combat, they need to give them due respect they deserve for (the) sacrifice they made," said John Holley. John and Stacey Holley, who were both in the Army, made some calls, and with the help of U.S. Sen. Barbara Boxer, Matthew was greeted with honor and respect. "Our familiarity with military protocol and things of that sort allowed us to kind of put our foot down -- we're not sure other parents have that same knowledge," said Stacey Holley.The Holleys now want to make sure every fallen hero gets the proper welcome. The bodies of dead service members arrive at Dover Air Force Base. From that point, they are sent to their families on commercial airliners. Reporters from 10News called the Defense Department for an explanation. A representative said she did not know why this is happening.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Home Sober

I am glad I am home after being around some much free alcohol. I got home Saturday morning at 7:30 a.m. and spent my day with the kids. Later in the day we all attended our neighborhood Christmas party and everyone was drinking. One guy's face was all red due to all the blood vessels about to burst, I guess I will save him a seat. My wife an I left after being there for less than a hour to go to a AA Christmas party. I was bummed that we were an hour and a half late, but my wife would have been bitching if we did not go to our neighbors. Almost everyone was there and I felt at home and spoke to everyone. It always amazes me how I have more fun with fellow alcoholic's than so called normal people. There were birthdays celebrated and everyone just had a good time with no fights, people getting sick or urinating on the carpet. It Also gave a chance for all the guy's with wife's to see whom we stay sober with the "pack" as some call it. Today I am just grateful for a god who is caring by allowing me to stay sober.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Iwas at another "cocktail" party last night at the convention. I was drinking tonic water with a lime. I had to switch from a coke because they keep puting it in a brandy glass. Later I went to the bar and instead of saying just Tonic water I just added gin infront of it. I quicky corrected the bartender. I began to feel uncomfortable.I ended up at a eleven clock meeting and today I am sober Thank God for AA.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Well I did not drink last night at our client party and I was the only one sober. The smell of red wine was on every ones breath. I felt more comfortable this with a little time under my belt. Maybe I am actually growing up. We'll I am iin the conference now and I hope to post later today.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


    My list:
  • Big Book

  • Phone Lists

  • Meetings  Times and Location

I am set, now “just don’t fuckin drink”…..

Monday, December 05, 2005

LA sux

I swear either I am getting too old or just sick of driving to LA. The attitude and traffic are driving me nuts. Where are all these people from? not just Mexico. They have a lot of meetings in Los Angeles and I have heard that there is some really good ones. I am going to go to one soon, when I get a hour and a half free sometime. I seem to be trying to make up lost ground from when I was drinking, but it is a slow process. I just hope my tiny boss accepts the rate I am going or I will be gone... I have to go to a convention this Wednesday, and as usual I am nervous about all the alcohol that will be flowing. Back to work.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

My Sponsor 16 years Happy Birthday

My sponsor asked me to give him a Cake and the Token tonight at the meeting. When he asked me I was a little taken back, because I only have a 1 1/2 years of sobriety. Obviously my self-worth is running at a all time high. When I got out of rehab I spent my time searching for a sponsor. I heard about this men's meeting and how good it was so I went a few times. On one occasion I heard my sponsor speak about his wife his kids and spoke of them with respect. Something inside of me told me he was the one I needed to help me through life. I didn't only have to stay sober I had to rebuild my relationship with my wife and kids back and time was not on my side. My kids hated me and my wife had a attorney and God was only a memory as a child. I listen to him on every suggestion he made regardless of what my head told me. When he told me I need to attend 90 meetings in 90 days I did it. He told me to look a my shoes when talking with my wife and it worked. He told me to bring her flowers and I did every Thursday. He told me to spend time with the kids and I did. He told me to prepare when I traveled on business by bringing the big book and to know where all the meetings are and what time they began. The rehab hospital I went offers a free 52 week program (3hours once a week) called after care he agreed I needed to go and I went. Everything he told me to do worked, and it wasn't my way. Today my life is more than I thought I could have and I owe all of it to one man and tonight I get give him a 16 year token, Thank you

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Cool Short Flicks

I love short animation films and these are good. Check out the films with kick ass music: Ufo. Another one is Paper Sky, and Desiderata. Stupido Italiano

Breast Fed

I always thought my wife breast fed my boys. I wondered why they like to eat that shit food at Mc D's.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Alcoholism is Alive and Well

Man accused of disrupting flight says he's due at rehab center 12-02-05 CHARLOTTE, N.C. A man accused of urinating in an airplane aisle and lighting a cigarette during a flight to Dulles International Airport told a judge that he's due to check into rehab. Forty-one-year-old Mark McGovern told a federal magistrate judge in Charlotte, North Carolina yesterday that he's an unemployed lawyer and is supposed to check into an alcohol treatment program at a veterans hospital in Tampa, Florida on Friday. He didn't say why he was on the flight from Orlando to Dulles on Friday, or explain his behavior. The plane, with 117 passengers, was diverted to Charlotte and McGovern was arrested. It later completed the flight to Dulles. McGovern is charged with creating a disturbance and interfering with a flight crew. If convicted, he could face up to five years in prison and a 250-thousand-dollar fine. The judge ordered that McGovern should remain in custody until his story could be verified and escorted to the treatment center. Information from: The Charlotte Observer, Copyright 2005 Associated Press.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Slippery Slopes of Life

Today I felt really good, better than I have felt in a long time. I felt good about my life and a desire to live. I worked my ass off at my office today, it felt like I was finally getting a strong grasp on my business strategies. Everything was going so well that I firmly believed that nothing could phase me. I received a call at the end of the day from a client who I just finished a project with. He informed me that one of the product we ship was wrong. Which is a $8,000.00 mistake, one that might cost me my job. I scrambled to prove my innocents by going through the files and emails. I couldn't find anything in my favor and began to panic. How could I go from such a high to an extreme low in seconds. I began to be overcome with fear and the impending doom feeling. I prayed and asked for help. I don't know the outcome tomorrow but for now I am sober.

The Bottom

I always feel like for what ever reason I end up on the bottom. It seems no matter how hard I try something always comes along and knocks me off my feet. However I have been giving more and more of my problems to god. Better off in his hands than mine and by doing so my life becomes more manageable. This is a simple program. Just don't drink or use today.


Main Entry: com·mit·ment Pronunciation: k&-'mit-m&nt Function: noun 1 a : an act of committing to a charge or trust: as (1) : a consignment to a penal or mental institution (2) : an act of referring a matter to a legislative committee b : MITTIMUS 2 a : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; especially : an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date b : something pledged c : the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled a commitment to a cause.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Naaked Thursaday

Naaked Thursday

This is the sign posted on my street.

George What The Fuck

There is something about that ring George W. wears that ties into this picture. It is the Masonic thing, the Sesame Street secret society thing, the Oil for more money thing, and the love triangle thing with Osama. I'll fiqure it out.

Did Bill W. read this?

I think since I have had it both ways, I prefer the not and so does everyone else around me.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

The Ability to Drink More

This was designed by an alcoholic with one intention.

Lunch with a Priest

I had lunch today with a priest and I felt weird. He likes to dress in black with his collar typical priest attire and that didn't bother me. People were staring as if I was in trouble or someone was sick or died in my family. We talked about family and how everything is differnt in my life. I never knew him while I was drinking, even though he lives 6 doors down from me.He was walking by my house a couple days after I was in the Rehab center and spoke to my wife. She was just sitting in the driveway with her head in her hands, he asked her what was wrong. She told him the whole story and he wanted to visit me at the rehab center, but I refused. After 32 1/2 days later (4 for detox) I was out and scared as hell. He was one of the first to talk to me. I really enjoyed his spirituality and honesty. Today we are not that good of friends probably because of my fears, but one day we might.

The Steps

I feel like I have caged my desire to drink. I don't have the obsession today like I use to have. The urge was almost to great at times, but I held on. I always keep the last days of my drinking forefront in my mind. Going to meetings were my tokens that I would use to help fight my desire to drink. My life while drinking and using was a life worth running away from. I am a happier person now even though the problems of life still hound me. I live now a day at a time and life on life terms. The cage must always be kept locked.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Urge To Drink

My wife asked me to go to the drug store to get a prescription filled. I gave the prescription to the clerk and she told me that is was going to be around 20 minutes to fill, so I waited. After a few minutes I began to wander around and some how ended up in the liquor aisle. I began to think how nice it would to have a sip of scotch and maybe a crown and coke etc. I felt I could handle just one, but that thought only lasted a second. I realized that just one wouldn't do, I needed more. All the responsibilities that I have worked so hard to regain were slowly dwindling to nothing. I felt this stone wall and foundation crumbling at my feet. I felt uncomfortable and took a picture instead of a drink and walk away. I picked up the prescription and went home. As I opened my front door the house was filled with kids it was my son's birthday party, he is now 4 years old.

Friday, November 25, 2005

History of Griffith Park in Los Angeles

View from Griffith Park of LA at Night From the time of the great Los Feliz Rancho to the present, Griffith Park has had a very interesting and colorful history. In 1896 Colonel Griffith J. Griffith donated over 3,015 acres of land to the city of Los Angeles. This single act gave Los Angeles the largest municipal park in the world. Col. Griffith purchased the parklands when he acquired the Rancho Los Feliz in 1882. He was a wealthy man when he arrived in Los Angeles in the early 1880’s. He had made his money in investing in mines and now he was investing in land. The Los Angeles land booms of the late 1880’s made him even wealthier and then he married money. In 1903, something snapped in Col. Griffith. There is speculation that he suffered from alcoholic delusions brought on by drinking two quarts of whiskey a day. He had hinted that his wife was in cahoots with the Pope to poison him. And at the end of a month long vacation in Santa Monica, the Colonel shot his wife. She jerked her head, jumped out a window, landed on a canvas awning, and survived. She became the “society wife who wouldn't die.” Col. Griffith was convicted of attempted murder brought on by alcoholic insanity and was sentenced to 2 years in San Quentin. He served his time and then returned to Los Angeles. He was a hated and wealthy man. In he 1913 he set up a trust fund and donated $150,000 to build the Griffith Observatory and the Greek Theater.


My brother and his wife came out to visit my kids and spend Thanksgiving with us. Others had asked if I was concerned about my brother coming out because of his drinking and the answer was no. I know one day my brother and I will be sitting next to each other at a meeting. He came out and didn't drink alcohol or use at all. He respects my decision on getting sober. It was almost two years when he saw his brother dying in front of his eyes. He and the rest of my family felt hopeless. He was the first of any family member I have seen since sobriety. They all want to see me, but I am just not ready yet. Anyways we went out to dinner and afterwards my brother and his wife said they couldn't believe how much fun we had without drinking. That was shocking to me, because I still somehow want to believe the only way to have fun is to drink. I need to remember that it takes time getting use to my new skin.

What is Alcoholics Anonymous?

We are a Fellowship of men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking and have found ourselves in various sorts of trouble as a result of drink. We attempt—most of us successfully—to create a satisfactory way of life without alcohol. For this we find we need the help and support of other alcoholics in A.A.


A colorless volatile flammable liquid, C2H5OH, synthesized or obtained by fermentation of sugars and starches and widely used, either pure or denatured, as a solvent and in drugs, cleaning solutions, explosives, and embarrassing situations.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Haalf Naaked Thursday

Happy Thanksgiving. Shit, I am already shopping for Christmas. Not yet anyways...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Correlation of alcohol craving with striatal dopamine synthesis capacity and D2/3 receptor availability

a combined [18F]DOPA and [18F]DMFP PET study in detoxified alcoholic patients. Heinz A, Siessmeier T, Wrase J, Buchholz HG, Grunder G, Kumakura Y, Cumming P, Schreckenberger M, Smolka MN, Rosch F, Mann K, Bartenstein P. Central Institute of Mental Health, Mannheim, Germany. OBJECTIVE: In abstinent alcoholic patients, a low availability of dopamine D2/3 receptors in the ventral striatum and adjacent putamen was associated with a high level of craving for alcohol. Alcohol craving may also depend on presynaptic dysfunction of striatal dopamine production, which may contribute to the risk of relapse. In this study, positron emission tomography (PET) was used to compare dopamine synthesis capacity in the striatum in alcoholic patients and healthy comparison subjects. METHOD: Positron emission tomography (PET) was used to map the net blood-brain clearance of the dopa decarboxylase substrate 6-[18F]fluoro-l-dopa, an index of dopamine synthesis capacity, in the striatum of 12 detoxified male alcoholic patients and 13 age-matched healthy men. The parametric maps were correlated with results of an earlier [18F]desmethoxyfallypride PET study of dopamine D2/3 receptor availability in the same 12 alcoholic patients and in 12 of the healthy volunteers. Alcohol craving was measured with the Alcohol Craving Questionnaire. Patients were followed for 6 months, and alcohol intake was recorded. RESULTS: The magnitude of net blood-brain clearance in the striatum did not differ significantly between detoxified alcoholic patients and the comparison subjects. However, a voxel-wise correlation analysis of net blood-brain clearance in the alcoholic patients linked low levels of dopamine synthesis capacity in the bilateral putamen with high levels of alcohol craving. After normalization of net blood-brain clearance maps to the voxel-wise estimates of dopamine D2/3 receptor availability, there was still a negative correlation with alcohol craving. Alcohol craving at the time of scanning was associated with high level of alcohol intake in the 6-month follow-up period. CONCLUSIONS: Simultaneous assay by PET of pre- and postsynaptic markers of dopamine neurotransmission indicated that a striatal dopamine deficit correlated with alcohol craving, which was associated with a high relapse risk. PMID: 16055774 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE] --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Does alcohol affect females more than males?

Neuropsychopharmacol Hung. 2005 Jun;7(2):78-82. Related Articles, Links Gender differences: does alcohol affect females more than males? Walter H, Dvorak A, Gutierrez K, Zitterl W, Lesch OM. Medical University of Vienna, Austria. Human substance use is complex, being influenced by many psychopathological and sociological factors as well as the substance's pharmacological effects. Dependence development is not attributable directly to the consumed substance, but takes also all the other issues into regard. One of all these issues might be that gender represents an influencing factor and impacts on tolerance of a substance, on abuse patterns and finally on development of dependence as well as on addiction related disorders. Therapeutic programs' needs might be different too. In general, more men than women are alcohol dependent or have alcohol problems, but women are at greater risk for adverse effects and alcohol related diseases. Death rates among female alcoholics are 50 to 100 percent higher than those of men. Major impairments, diagnosis, medical and psychosocial consequences and their implication on treatment will be outlined. PMID: 16167459 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE

Binge Drinking in Adolescents and College Students

Despite laws in every State that make it illegal for anyone under the age of 21 to purchase or possess alcohol, young people report that alcohol is easy to obtain and that many high school and college students drink with one goal to get drunk. 1 Binge drinking is defined as consuming five or more drinks in a row for boys and four or more in a row for girls 2 Prevalence of Binge Drinking Binge drinking, often beginning around age 13, tends to increase during adolescence, peak in young adulthood (ages 18 to 22), then gradually decrease Highlights of SAMHSA├â‚’s 1998 National Household Survey on Drug Abuse6 include: Why didn't it decrease for me? Is something wrong with me? Why am I not normal? Read the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A long Line

The lines in my college were long and my trips to Miami were frequent. I use to pick up ounces and sell them for personal use and drinking money. I didn't care how many people I fucked over as long as I could get drunk and high. I felt comfortable in my skin. My confidence was as strong as any Oxford grad, the problem was I had to have a drink.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Door thwarts quick exit for Bush

President George W Bush tried to make a quick exit from a news conference in Beijing on Sunday - only to find himself thwarted by locked doors. After answering just six questions from a group of US reporters, the president strode away heading towards the door. President Bush tugged at both handles on the double doors before admitting: "I was trying to escape. Obviously, it didn't work." Mr Bush was in China in the latest stop of his East Asia tour. 'Jet lag' The president had called the news session with US reporters at his hotel. It seems almost spiteful but the vast press pack agrees that they are great pictures BBC reporter Adam Brookes Reporter's diary His earlier meeting with Chinese President Hu Jintao did not permit media questions. Mr Bush answered a range of questions before one reporter said: "Respectfully, sir - you know we're always respectful - in your statement this morning with President Hu, you seemed a little off your game, you seemed to hurry through your statement. There was a lack of enthusiasm. Was something bothering you?" The president answered: "Have you ever heard of jet lag? Well, good. That answers your question." The reporter asked for a follow-up question but the president then thanked the attending journalists and said "No you may not" as he walked away. He strode from the lectern to the door, trying both handles and then breaking into a laugh. An aide escorted him to the correct

Saturday, November 19, 2005

One More

How often did I say I'll just have one more and ended up closing the bar.

Start over Today

Today is another day that I am glad I didn't drink. I woke up at 4:00 am to off load a truck by myself. My install crew wasn't there to help, because the truck was 8 hours ahead of schedule. I placed out the furniture and the project manager still acting like a prick shook my hand. Life on life's terms... I am headed home. I 'm typing this while driving, not safe!

Friday, November 18, 2005

Fuck Fresno

My day was great yesterday and shit today. The little man my boss moved two of my jobs to work his in and now we are late on both of mine. The project manager tonight basically told me to fuck off. The product that is late arrives at 4:00Am and now Ihave offload the truck. This is my main client and if I lose them I am finished. I don't feel like going to a meeting and I am just sick of life today.The problem is a drink won't make it via Blackberry...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

That's me........

This guy is totally an alcoholic with a good move. I only did this once , but its classic. I use to wait for people to dance then I would steal their drinks. The bartender didn't care because they would by more. I don't have to do that anymore because I am sober today. Which is a result of my God, AA, and calling other alcoholics.


I went to the dentist Tuesday because my front tooth was loose. I had a front tooth knocked out when I was younger playing baseball. It was basically a bad bunt. Anyways the dentist broke the post and looked at me in horror. He knew that this would cost me $700.00 + dollars and somehow blamed it on dentist who had put it in 25 years ago. I had to deal with one tooth missing for a day 1/2 and I found true humility fast. I didn't show my kids, because I didn't want them to have a bad memory of me. I didn't want to be around anyone and especially a mirror. I went a endo..... today and he removed the post. I was happy to avoid the cost of a implant. The dentist put a new post in and a temporary cap. The damage with insurance $698.00. It could have been worse and for that I thank god.

Nakeed Thursday

Sorry I had no choice.

Monday, November 14, 2005


Need I say more..

Ancient Brewery

An ancient brewery from a vanished empire was staffed by elite women who were selected for their beauty or nobility, a new study concludes. The finding adds to other evidence that women played a more crucial role in ancient Andean societies than history books have stated. It may also in some ways reflect modern drinking traditions in the Andean mountains, where women get drunk as much as men, researchers say. The brewery, on a mountaintop in southern Peru, cranked out hundreds of gallons of beer every week. The 1,000-year-old facility was part of the Wari empire, which predated the Incas.

Mojo Georgo

Who will save us the Power Puff Girls???

4th Step Collection

I was looking at all the fourth step guides, graphs, charts, outlines, verbiage, examples, forms, right ways, wrong ways etc in my 1 1/2" file folder. I almost felt a little confused on what the 4th step was after reviewing all of this information. Ok my part, your part, their part, and gods part, its finally becoming more clear. My part is the problem that I have in the 4th step. If removed, my 4th step can be easily achieved. Am I the victim in this life of mine or just a person who's yard encompasses a city block. I have decided to go back to Pg.65 of "The Big Book" and see how this really works...

As the American flag is folded, each fold has a different meaning. Those meanings are:

The first fold is a symbol of life. The second fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life. The third fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veteran departing our ranks and who gave a portion of life for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world. The fourth fold represents our weaker nature; for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in times of war for his divine guidance. The fifth fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, "Our country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right, but it is still our country, right or wrong." The sixth fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that we pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. The seventh fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic. The eighth fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day, and to honor our mother, for whom it flies on Mothers Day. The ninth fold is a tribute to womanhood, for it has been through their faith, love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great have been molded. The tenth fold is a tribute to father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of our country since he or she was first born. The eleventh fold, in the eyes of Hebrew citizens, represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies, in their eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The twelfth fold, in the eyes of a Christian citizen, represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in their eyes, God the Father, the Son and Holy Ghost. When the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost, reminding us of our national motto, "In God We Trust." After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington and the sailors and marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for us the rights, privileges, and freedoms we enjoy today.

Worn Out

I spent all weekend painting rooms in my house. I woke up this morning and could barely move. My hands were frozen in a backwards C shape and could only be used as some type of holder. My body feels like I was tossed out of a pick up truck going 100mph. I hate any type of paint, painting, brushes, rollers, walls. I could just barely tolerate my wife's nagging prior to this happening and now it feels like she is in my head screaming. Please stop............

Friday, November 11, 2005

Near the Downward Spiral

I found out that my liver enzymes were elevated 3 years prior to becoming sober. I told myself I was going to cut back, and after the first 6 pack then 12 pack, the cutting back turned from today to tomorrow, than next week. I then became convinced that I was going to die, so I might as well enjoy myself by drinking. I was dying alright, that is dying inside. The good thing is the liver may heal and maybe I will to.


Thursday, November 10, 2005

Naakad Thursdah

I took a photo of my hand, foot, arm and I said what the hell... Warning NUDITY. Has Got to be from France...

Wednesday, November 09, 2005


Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery: 1)We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. 2)Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3)Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4) 4) 4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)...


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