Monday, January 30, 2006

How Did You Make It So Far?

For me I have stayed close to my homegroup. I make calls to other alcoholic's on a daily basis. I call my sponsor everyday with the exception of Saturday. I gave him a day off. I pray everyday and thank god for being sober. I try my best to stay out of my head, because the longer it stays in my head the more distorted it becomes. I stay honest with myself and with god. I really believe when I begin to lie my first drink won't be far behind. Basically honesty is one of the key component to sobriety. I keep everything simple and I just don't drink on day at a time. I do many things that I really don't want to do, this is another part that helps keep me out of control. Finally I am working the steps to make the quality of my life better with my relationships, attitude, productivity, empathy toward others, health, self-esteem, because alcohol is only a symptom of my problem.


I watched this documentary on Hamas and what they do for the Palestinian people makes me understand why they were elected. They truly had given more money to the people than their so called democracy counter parts. That is money given for a specific purpose such as schools hospitals, and rebuilding the infrastructure down to jobs and food. From an outsider this seems to be clearly an applauded act. I think this will be a time when Israel and Palestine will acheive a better chance for peace this time. The hatred has to be left on the table.

Where is the balance?

Saturday, January 28, 2006

4th Step

I have begun writing down all resentments and what's my part in the whole thing. I have been in a bad mood and pissed off at anyone who comes near me. I was feeling pretty good before I started and now it seems my head is spinning and I am just mad. I know it is the clearing of the inventory, but shit this sucks. I guess the part I had in the deal is still my problem. However I need to get this done in order to protect my sobriety.

Friday, January 27, 2006

I'm Thankful I'm Sober Today

This can be me if I pick up the first drink. It won't take long maybe a week maybe a month, but it will happen. When I went to rehab I was in a group of people that had relapsed. They all told their stories and they were all identical. They started with a few and before they knew it they were back at the same amount they were using. This only increased in volume and the wreckage became swifter and greater than before. I pray for them, hoping that they to are sober. I really beleive that if I choose to have that first drink, I won't being coming back. My sobriety date is 05-17-04

Fruity nudes cause controversy

Religious groups are calling for an art exhibition showing naked women posing among fruit and vegetables to be banned. Carla Bobadilla's new exhibition is made up of a series of giant posters of nudes, reports Las Ultimas Noticias. Some of the Chilean artist's pictures are very explicit and have prompted religious groups to ask for the exhibition to be closed. But Mrs Bobadilla insists: "My goal was to portray the vision that foreigners have of Chile - that of a country that is economically stable because of its fruit exports." The exhibition is on display at the Bellas Artes Museum in Santiago.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

I'm Glad To Be Sober Today

Phnom Penh, Cambodia - A Cambodian man received 25 stitches to his penis after his wife attempted to sever the organ with scissors after a domestic dispute, a newspaper reported on Tuesday. Khay Kaing, 40, returned home early on Saturday after a night of drinking and karaoke with friends in Kampong Cham province, 80 kilometres northeast of the capital Phnom Penh, the Koh Santepheap, or Island of Peace, newspaper reported. An argument ensued and he allegedly slapped his wife. As the man got into bed his wife came at him with the scissors and attempted to cut off his penis, the newspaper reported, not detailing whether she succeeded. Kang Sakhan, the provincial police chief, confirmed the incident but did not provide details. The newspaper said after being attacked, the man walked some 500 metres to a relative's home to seek help and was later taken to a village doctor who administered the sutures.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

The Abbey

This is the place I went to after getting out of rehab Prince of Peace. When I got there I was godless. I had walked the grounds and found stations of the cross trail. I went down the path stopping at each station. I noticed he had fallen twice and I found relief in my life for the times I had fallen. By the time I left I had god again in my life.

Can You Be Saved!

SHARING IN AA “If our testimony helps sweep away prejudice, enables you to think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself, then, if you wish, you can join us on the Broad Highway.” - Alcoholics Anonymous, page 55 “Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.” - Proverbs 12:25 Sharing helps me keep honest with myself and god.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

What doesn't belong in this picture??

Trudges Heliport

What the hell kind of helicopter is that?

Monday, January 23, 2006

My Kids

As of today my kids won't think of there childhood heros as drinkers and drunks. The reason is very simple today I am sober and closing in on 2 years. They don't seem to remember that I ever drank, because I stopped just before any damage occurred. That is what I hope and pray that happened. I probably won't know until they are older. They are all I have and hold close in my life. I have never told them that I am an alcoholic, but the time is almost at hand. They are asking what meetings I am going to and I know one day I will accidentally leave the big book out and they will read it. My wife has books she got from Alanon, but they seem to graphic for my comfort. I frankly don't know what to tell them, but sorry.

Gone MOM

My mom left today and I felt sad for one first times. I expected that her stay was going to cause me to drink. I remember everything she did irritated me and I would end up drinking over it. I can actually say, that this time spent with my mom was the best I have ever had. Maybe the problem all a long wasn't my mom, but was me. Ok maybe not always that I was the problem, but probably most of the time. I got see first hand the cause and effect of how my past resentments effected my attitude towards my mother. The end result result of how I felt torwards her and treated her was not at all acurate of what actually transpired. I hope this will be the same case with other people in my family I have yet to see.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

My Life

Smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee has now become an essential staple in my life. I need to drop the smoking part as soon as possible. They are now banning smoking at any public park or the beaches in the city I live. This to me is the final straw. I just hate having to quit something that is addictive when I am forced.

Friday, January 20, 2006


Well I picked my mom up from the train station today. She was up in Ventura with her husband and she came down to see me. If you get to California the train rides are great because they run along the coast and you actually get a great sunset views. She hasn't seen me in two years and 1 1/2 of them are sober ones. I was scared at first for some reason, but it was really great seeing her. She seems really proud and that makes me feel good inside, even though I feel some what less than deserving. I need to add a couple meetings to my schedule. I have been going to 2 meetings a week and a bible class and it seems to be just not enough. I am really exhausted, the bees are gone and today I'm sober.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

God or Little Man

My boss has now discovered a way to micromanage the company. This is the ultimate fear I have had and the other VP thinks it’s a good idea; however I don't think he fully understands the ramifications.  I can already see that the gust of power has blown upon his chest. The idea of knowing when and where we all are at any given point is the ultimate power to him. I think the edge for me is knowing his computer savvy is that of a Neanderthal man. He is a repudiationist alcoholic, whom likes to show the world that he is perhaps small in stature, but vast in intellect. Done

I think we have bees in our wall and ceiling again. I hear them buzzing around and my wife is going to have a heart attack. Last time we had was 6 months ago and she wanted to sell the house. The problem where I live is you have to be careful about killer bees’ and you can't tell by looking at them. You have to send them to a lab, where they look under a microscope to tell where the bee is friendly or a killer bee. Yikes, I am scaring myself now. Sometimes regardless of anything you do drama will follow. The only fucking thing you can do is not to immerse yourself in it.  

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


I just don't know if I am immature or just fucking like to laugh. But I find humor in a lot of aspects in my life. I guess you could say, It helps me make it through the day. I do have to say I probably lead the most eventful life of anyone I know. I have more bizarre shit happen to me each day. My wife thinks that one day I should or someone else should write a book about my life. She is working on a romance Novel, how ironic maybe I should check her cell calls on the phone bill. I told her I am not expecting to be in her book.

Speaking of romance my brother’s wife was having an affair after only three years of marriage. This event lasted for 4 weeks right under his nose. He called and told me tonight and what a shock it was, because they we just out visiting.  He is at home by himself and I heard his glass fill with ice. I am just not sure if he has a drinking problem yet, but he is definitely an alcoholic.    


I was thinking about buying my wife one.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Here We Go

I knew it was just a matter of time before my wife just would chime in about my mom coming. I am so sick of the attitude like this is my problem my mom is coming out. The whole thing makes me sick, because I never complained when we were at her father's house for New Years, at least not in front of her. The whole time I was there I was thinking that some how this is a punishment or test from god. I looked for any signs, but none were there. I have been "looking at my shoes" (sponsors term) when dealing with my wife now for a year and half. Some days we are making headway others days we are blown of course. It is really hard when sometimes you don't feel like your on the same team. I really think she is trying to irritate me on purpose. Sometimes when she knows I am a little uncomfortable she prods me like I was a farm animal. She isn't an alcoholic and maybe has a drink 6 times a year. Maybe if she was more like me things would be better. No, if she was like me, I would be prodded on a daily basis.

Mass Qty of Beer

Monday, January 16, 2006

My Mom

My mom is coming out to see me this Friday from Florida. This will be the first time I have seen her sober. I am really freaked out about the whole thing, because she is the kind of person that will drive you nuts. My mom thinks I am the greatest for some reason. In her eyes I have not done a thing wrong in my life. I guess she has this guilt from doing nothing to help me when I was a child. So, I am probably going to hear shit from the past and frankly I am not ready to deal with her apologies and excuses. I do miss her in some aspect, but that part of my life is part of my large black out.


Even animals aren't safe around George Bush

Sunday, January 15, 2006


It was my turn as secretary at tonights mens meeting and I share the responsibility with another person. I felt a little uncomfortable at the end of the meeting, because I had to go to the bathroom so bad I had almost urinated in my pants. Anyways this guy at the meeting just gets under my skin so bad that I think I am going to knock him out one of these times. He really tries to take control and he is so damn condescending that it makes me sick. I know I am not going to get along with everyone, but I should at least try. Try I have, but the problem is that it gets me nowhere when it concerns him. I look at it this way Ego is bad for any alcoholic, so if I knocked his teeth out maybe this would give him some forced humility. Humility is what we all need to stay sober and as a result maybe he will stay sober longer. I am going to talk with my sponsor in the morning, and I hope he agrees with me that everyone needs a good ass kicking sometime in their life. I use to box all the time while in high school, because one of my best friends' father had a gym. I learned humility after a couple of bouts, but in boxing this is a way of focusing on mistakes so that you become a better fighter. Having said that too much humility could land you on the street. The worse humility that I have endured is when I admitted I was an alcoholic to others, god included. My neighbors ,family and my office all knew when I went to rehab. for 28 1/2 days. I felt the cat was finally out of the bag and actually the cat was out of the bag for years and I just didn't know.

It's Tough Being a Dog

Saturday, January 14, 2006


Does anyone have a battery? What an idiot!

Friday, January 13, 2006


The only support I have is some family members and some AA family members. The rest are betting on that I won't make it.

Life and Options

I had really two choices when I was at rehab continue to drink and die or turn my life over to god and AA. My body was a worn down wreck even after the 28 days. I was like a child you would see in a mall looking for his mother with fear written all over his face. I was scared and afraid of everything around me I really for the life of me can't figure out why me to make it this far or how I even made it 90 days. I was living second to second and that is no bullshit. Now the desire to drink isn't as great and I live not a second at a time, but a day at a time and for me that works just fine.

Over Coming Fears

I feel much better now.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Step Study

Tonight it was step 11 and for me this step means a lot. I try to pray on a daily basis and thank god for being sober and anything good that happens to me. Right from rehab I went up to an abbey by my house up on a mountain. On the top they have the stations of the cross on a half mile trail. You can see the view of the ocean from the trail as well as other mountains. This is the place I knew I wasn't alone any longer. One guy shared that "meditation is listening and focusing on one breath at a time. At that point your thoughts will be out of your head and once your out of your head that is where god will be." For me that thought is powerful and gives me the chills. God just wants me to be happy that is spiritually happy and he doesn't want me to be alone.

Where is the Bull??

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

What the Fuck

"One with nature" uuhh.. "A new form of insecticide free weed killer" uuhh.." A strong wind" uuhh.. "Interpretive dance" uuhh.."Casting for the new Little House on the Prairie" uuhh.. " A tampon commercial" No it is actually a religious sect in Northern France.

Higher Power

I spoke with a couple marines about the higher power concept. They said almost at the same time when your flying to Iraq you will get one before the plane lands. I told them I wish that people in recovery had that type of reality shock, because if we did there would be a lot more coming home.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Kids From Hell

Well my wife stayed in bed all day and my 3 boys stayed at home in a effort to contain the virus. I had to work unfortunately. Well when I got home around 5:30 pm all the lights seemed to be off in the house and my first thought was everyone is in the hospital. However as the garage door opened there was her mini van so I pulled in to park. I open the door and went inside, the only light that was on was the one in the play room and when I walked in I saw every lego we had on the floor with my three boys searching for one piece. We have accumulated 5 large buckets of lego's over 8 years. My Kids go to Lego land at least twice a month. I just laughed because I am still sick with the virus and that last thing I expected. I walked around room to room and each one they had been in and destroyed. I got to our bedroom and my wife was asleep. I asked my boys if she had been in bed all day and they said yes with a smile. I have finished cleaning and it is now 11:30 p.m. If I was drinking I would have left or not come home at all. Thanks god for sobriety.

Another Way to Stop Drinking Marry a Polish Woman

Man chained up in kennel A 75-year-old Polish man was chained up by his wife in a dog kennel because she was fed up with him coming home drunk. Zdzislawa Bukarowicza was chained up by his wife Helena and fed on dog food and water because she was sick of him spending all their money on vodka. He survived almost three weeks living on an old blanket in the dog kennel and being fed from the dog bowl despite temperatures of minus 20 degrees at his home in Scinawa. He was eventually freed when friends, who had not seen him at their local for several days, called the police. Link to the Story kennel boy

Monday, January 09, 2006

Need a Higher

This would be a site to consider for those who are still seaching. God Lorica.

Flu Virus

Yes I finally got the long awaited virus the so called wicked virus. This is the first time I have been this sick while sober. I seem to have a urge to drink though. I always seemed to drink more while I was sick in a half hearted efort to kill the virus. It never worked then so therefore it won't work.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Step Study

We were on step 10 last night. This step for me is the step I need to read on a daily basis. It amazes me how lucky we are to have such simple designed program to make your life better. If even the normos did our program the world would be a better place. I was in thought about how I am sober, which is good, however it could be better if I finished the fouth step. I am working on it and I plan to finish it and finsh the rest of the steps within a couple month's.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Santa Lucia on My Vacation?

My father in laws wife had this woman wake us up at 7:00 am. I walked down the stairs and freaked out. What the hell is this nut case doing I thought. This is really a bizzare tradition. Well as the story goes: Throughout Sweden the feast day of Lucia, or Lucy, is celebrated as a festival of lights. In the early hours of the morning of December 13 a young woman, dressed in a white gown, and wearing a red sash and a crown of lingonberry twigs and blazing candles, would go from one farm to the next carrying a torch to light her way, bringing baked goods, stopping to visit at each house and returning home by break of day. Every village had its own Lucia. The custom is thought to have begun in some of the richer farming districts of Sweden and still persists although the crowns are now electric lights.

Want a Resentment

These people are pissing me off more and more. They have seemed to have grown in numbers in California. They park get out and walk faster than me into the store. Was there something I didn't see? like some divine miracle. I don't think so, these people should be forced to feel like a handicap person. They should have their legs and arms broken or be duct-taped to a wheel chair for 3 month's.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Working On 4th Step

Wouldn't It Be Great, if it was this easy!

Step Work

I went to Catholic schools for all my education including college. It seems everyone in meetings sighs when someone brings up Catholic, what's that all about. So anyways the nuns seemed to either like my ass or had some type of mother fetish. When I was a kid I always seemed to get spanked by nuns. I was thinking maybe this is why I started drinking, nuns and other things in my past caused some type of desire to drink. I have been feeling like I need to pin it on or blame something or someone. I guess that goes back to acceptance.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Leaving Seattle

I am glad I didn't leave Seatle via this truck. We ended up stuck at the airport thanks to United Airlines. We got in at 4:00 am, draging the kids along. It's good to be home, but I feel like shit because I am so worn out. I glad I am sober today.

Monday, January 02, 2006


I went to a meeting tonight and I feel a lot better. It was like a big relief. There were some oldtimers as well as some with 15 days. Everytime I go to a meeting regardless of where I always feel good afterwards. It is just being around others that makes me feel not alone. When I was drinking I was always alone inside and I have been alone to long. There is this old guy who always says to me meeting makers make it and he is right. Thanks for the suggestions and God willing, tomarrow I will be flyng home with my family.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Home Please

I am worn out from this trip and can't wait to get home. My wife and I got into an argument, because we are stressed out from her father and his wife. His wife was a pain in the ass all day. She expects my kids not to wrestle around in her house or run in her house. Good luck I have three boys. My wife's father is driving me nuts making strange noises while he eats and sometimes it can last all day. I feel like just strangling him some times, because it is so annoying. We went to their church today "Baptist" it was full of ignorance and intolerance. This was a great way to start off the new year. Then we went to "Narnia" great movie, the kids loved it. While leaving the movie my wife and I got into a fight because she was yelling at me and the kids in front of her family. That pisses me off more than anything. Then her fathers wife invited her son over again and uncorked another wine bottle for dinner. It's almost like she is trying to push me, not to drink but to be uncomfortable. That to me is probably just as bad as trying to get me to drink. I really have seemed to go backwards on this trip, in my spirituality and sobriety. The person who I was beginning to like seems gone for now. My head is filled with nothing but fear and uncertainty.