Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year

Well the party is over and I am sober. Wow, there was a couple new people at our party and one of the mom's had her boobs almost hanging out. What an outfit it was or should I say barely of any fabric. The main thing is that my wife had fun and I hung with the men. They drank less than the women which blew my mind. The guys were basically light weights which was fine by me. I still felt uncomfortable with everyone drinking and I guess that it will never go away. Maybe the day I feel comfortable will be the day I start drinking again. Happy New Year blog buddies..

Sunday, December 30, 2007


I spent some of the day returning crap I got at Christmas. These were the worst lines I have seen at every store that I returned items. I was trying to keep my cool while others in line were bitching. I felt like saying we all have better thing to do so shut the hell up. Anyways I am headed to a meeting tonight so that is a good thing..

Saturday, December 29, 2007


I guess if I had an angel this would be mine. It maybe because it would be just my luck.

I have to start getting the house ready for our New Years party. My wife has made me a list and it's quite long. I really just want to be a bum today. I promise I will post photos.

Friday, December 28, 2007

sleep overs

Say no to your kids sleep over friends. My much beloved sleep is gone as quick as it came. This friend of my son's is a walking alarm clock. My head is killing me and I feel like shit. He was up all night and I am sure his parents got sleep.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

good day

I finished the flash presentation for work today, yeaaah. I can finally get a few days of down time. I want to go to a meeting tomorrow night just for the hell of it. I need the coins in my sobriety bank and meetings are the best way to get them.. I have one shot at this deal so I can't afford any dumbass mistakes.

We are having a New Years Eve party at our house and there will be drinking. I don't like the idea, but my wife shouldn't have to suffer because of me. Everyone we are inviting only drink a few, which is something I will never get.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007


I have downloaded this and it works right off my Blackberry. This product is truly cool and an alcoholics dream by watching what the hell is going on in my house while at work.

Monitor your home/office activities in realtime. Be sure of safety of your children when you are away. Motion detector – start recording when Mobiscope detects a disturbance. click link


This time of year I am always looking for a meeting. I use to drink a lot all the time, but the holidays it seemed to be in excess.

The boys had fun today opening their presents and my wife did as well. My wife got me some shirts and ties and the colors were horrible. She never seems to get me what I want, but I am not going to drink about it. So I took the boys to a park and we played football. It was fun seeing them enjoy themselves. Happy Holidays to all in blogland.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

getting sleep

I am finally getting some rest. I also working on my new company. I new to make a change however going it on your own is fearful. I also have a few more Christmas items to pick up. So dealing with the shoppers today. That young kid in my neighborhood is back out smoking bowls so there isn't anything I can do. If you told me I had to get sober at 18 I would have told you to go to hell.

Friday, December 21, 2007


Except Drink..

Another day at the office with a ego freak midget boss,. I will probably go to a meeting today because god knows it would be good for me.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

life is ok

I went to a phy dude for my middle son, It seems my wife and I are not on the same page. Which really sucks because now we have manipulative kids that get away with every thing. We know have to work harder to hold up the punishment all the way trough the punishment cycle. It was fun and I need to start to improve as a father and a husband..

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


Our economy is left for the birds. At least I haven't drank.

Monday, December 17, 2007


I knew lack of sleep and food would catch up. I feel so sick tonight that I could hardly eat. I am going to get some rest tonight.

The kid that's my neighbor smoked 4 bowls today, he doesn't want sobriety and that sucks.

The lump is a lymph node that is swollen under my arm. I need to get a biopsy at end of the week..

onion layers or wire layers

I guess pulling back the layers can be whatever you want as long something is being pulled back to see the real you. link mato

Sunday, December 16, 2007

meeting tonight

Tonight I went a meeting. I feel a lot better because I laughed most of the meeting. I realized that I have lost my laugh for over three weeks. For me if I am not laughing, then I am either isolating or building resentments.


I have been busting my ass on several projects that went south on me. My so called assistant but my shit on the back burner and now I am the fall guy for both projects. I was being told that both projects were ok and being ordered, however nothing was being done. I have felt depressed and I was not eating or sleeping. HALT was real and I felt it's effects more than ever. Isolation was the first thing to happen and my attendance at meetings was the second. So here I sit holding on to my sobriety.

Saturday, December 08, 2007


I have been working my ass off at work. My program has been slipping and I need to keep my program at a higher level.

Friday, November 23, 2007


no doctor

I went to the Dr's office today and they were closed. I am going to try to go tomorrow. I have been feeling weaker and weaker everyday. This whole thing really sucks. I think it is from my immune system getting shut down. My lymphoid is getting larger under my armpit. That sound gross but it's not because its my armpit and not yours.

I have been sitting out front of my house talking to a young kid who has been trying to get sober, well he says he has been sober for 90 days. He is very young and has been through a lot so I hope he keeps this shit. I have taken him to several meetings and have been pushing him to get a sponsor. Someone closer to his age would be preferred otherwise I will do it.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

happy thanksgiving

Happy Thanks Giving all my bleeps. I found a lump in my armpit today. Doctor visit tomorrow. wild turkeys

Monday, November 19, 2007

flu from hell

This flu virus going around is a nasty one. It has not caused any respiratory problems for me as the typical flu virus does. This strain seems to make all your joints ache unbearably. We have been all hit by the virus, the three boys and my wife. It is like we are all on our own. We don't have any close family members out here, which sucks. I hope it doesn't get down to us eating each other..just kidding. I am just happy to be a ache sober man.

Sunday, November 18, 2007


I went to my home group meeting tonight after a two week hiatuses. I have been all about work, because I have been falling behind. I hope I will catch up this week, however the meeting was just what I needed. I got up and shared from the heart and I felt better. Nothing has ever been as bad as I thought and usually turns out to be OK as long as I am honest. That's one of the parts of AA that truly amazes me.

We celebrated two birthdays together today. My oldest sons birthday was during the fire so we postponed it to today. We played baseball for younger kids and football for the the older. My ass was worn out but the kids had fun and thats whats life about.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007


Now I am in the desert on a project and my body is crying out for relief. This endless battle I am having on my projects will be over soon. For that I am grateful.

Saturday, November 10, 2007


i am taking a eighteen year old boy to a meeting tonight. He has been through some hard times. He has been hanging around gang bangers and drug addicts. I hope he will do this program.

I have been exhausted all day from working my ass off last week. I have to finish another project by Tuesday morning. I have a crew coming to the project Monday night to bang this job out. I pray this one will go through with no hitches. Staying sober through these tough times has been hard.

Friday, November 09, 2007


I have been in New Jersey working on a project. I had no time to post, which made me sad. I push all the union crews on the job and man that was a bitch. I had to make sure several crews where doing their jobs, which were on opposite ends of the project. I started at 6:00 am and ended at 2:30 am every day. My body is weak and tired, but I am sober thanks to god.

Saturday, November 03, 2007


Sometimes I believe this disease is carried by an evil demon. It makes since because my diswase wanted me dragged through the coals and parade me among others to my eminent death.

Friday, November 02, 2007

hanging in there

Man, I have had a hellacious week.I have felt alone and like drinking. So I went to a meeting and as always I felt better. My project at work has been going south and my assistant in the south east screwed up bad. However it is my head on the platter. AA saved my ass again and I thank god.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

happy halloween

Show/Hide Navigation for some its everyday. For me it is a fun time seeing the kids happy. The ghouls in my head wont make it out this year Have a Safe Halloween.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007


Ha.. Pam your right were the hell has my mind been. I think it's typically in the trashy side of some insecure humor. However, life is a path and sometimes I zig zag back and forth never straying afar. I am happy to be in gods hands today.

Monday, October 29, 2007

happy meal

This is a happy meal I think will pass on. Today all the problems on one of my projects just got worse. I just have to laugh about the whole thing, because it's become a comedy of errors. I am damn sure not going to drink about it..

Sunday, October 28, 2007


I have been working on my new company concepts by building a website. I have also been so drawn up in it that I have been isolating. I don't know what is wrong but my program doesn't seem to be what it use to. Lack of, is probably fitting in my case today. I just don't want to make an effort, maybe its boredom of my life. Things have been eating at me and I feel programed out. I hope this is just a funk and the green pasture will lay ahead.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

project sux

am working on this development project and it looks like there is no way we are going to meet the delivery date. I am not drinking over it. No sports tomorrow so I sleep

Wednesday, October 24, 2007


Man during this whole fire ordeal I felt like drinking a few times. I thought the drinking desires had slowly diminished because of my time in the program. It takes something like this to totally get the thoughts of escaping back to in my mind. Wow, I need to pick up a meeting badly. I will make an effort to get to one tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

witch creek fire

When I woke up the sky was brown and the yard was filled with soot. This has been a bad fire. My oldest sons birthday was today and he was bummed. How ever he loved the 2 baseball gloves I got him.

Monday, October 22, 2007

san marcos fire

We are going to be headed to a hotel, no room at friends.

poway fire

This was what it was like on the way home from the airport. My flight was cancled and tonight we have evacuated.

Live San Diego Fire

Live feed Holy shit the fire as been a bitch all day. The cars are packed and we will be out of here soon. I am sober thank god.

Friday, October 19, 2007


Well I have hired my assistant and she can't start for two weeks. I almost hired a blond chick with big boobs. However my sponsor suggested against it as well as my wife. That tells you where the alcoholic mind goes, Hot chick + me = drinking. So I am glad that disaster didn't occur. Trying to interview 20 people as well as working your ass off is a difficult task. I hope by hiring someone to ease my load won't increase it in someway. I am off to NJ on Monday and returning Tuesday night. It will be one a quick meeting and then back home. I thank god and the program for my sobriety today.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

out of control

Wow life has been all over the place. I am at a airport (phoenix) getting ready to board a flight back home. Still sober but running low on recovery juice. I need to spend time with the family this weekend however I need to pick up a couple meetings. Get this I have to leave for Newark on Monday.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

halloween is coming

All this weekend the kids were talking about what they are going to be for halloween. I love this this time of year and when I was drinking it was just another daily celebration. I use to get pissed off when I would have to answer the door for the trick or treaters. I would have to come inside from the back yard to answer the door. The back yard was where my stash and coolers filled with beers were located. It was basically my heaven behind my house. I had 4 bottles of crown in 750 mils hidden in sprinkler's pump stations. Hell I also had 4 cooler buried in the ground with tops that had clued on dirt and sticks. I was stealth when I was drinking until everyone knew I was drunk. I changed the cooler' locations every couple of week.

Today I don't have to sorry about all that bullshit in my hesd

Saturday, October 13, 2007


Wow trying to find the right assistant has it's problems. First off 70% of the applicants had 4 or more typo's. What the hell is that, what were these people thinking, spell check? Anyways I have it down to 6 and the interviews start on Monday and end on Tuesday. By then I shall have a assistant. I hope they make my life a little easier because I am feeling a little lost. Football, baseball and soccer games for the boys all day today. However we have the rain factor out there today, so please god let it rain.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

hiring an assistant

This whole hiring someone sux. I have been going through resumes with 4+ typos in the first paragraph. Also some of these people just don't get the idea of attaching their resume. They send it on the email itself. That to me is not professional. There is a good side to this because I have taken more power back from god. just kidding...

Monday, October 08, 2007

elevator ride

I hate elevators with a passion. If I didn't have to ride on a elevator the rest of my life it would be a great thing. interesting elevator link

Sunday, October 07, 2007


I went to my meeting tonight and I felt a little older and wiser. We had a lot of new comers and I felt lucky that I had a few years under my belt. I remember those early sobriety days and what it took for me just not drink for a day. I had the fog in my head well past a year. I hated that feeling of not making sense in what I had to say. It was hard for me and I don't want to have to do it all again. It took a lot out me emotionally as phyically. I feel I just don't have another sober in me today.




I had to get milk this morning for the boys, so this photo was fitting. I am taking the boys and their friends to play football. I told them I would yesterday and I have to keep my promise. That's part of the whole deal now sober, I keep my commitments.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

mi casa

I am so glad to be home. However my back is killing me from the plane seating. 6 1/2 half hours is to long in those shitty seats. Well back on schedule for tomorrow, the boys have 6 games and I hope to god I can make it through all of the six. I saw my mom when I was in florida and she cried when I left. She said she is so proud of me and that makes me feel pretty good.

Thursday, October 04, 2007


I am at the airport waiting for my flight to board.. I am happy to get the hell at out of florida and go home to southern california. I had good meetings and now I get to hire my own assistant. Their job description will be to primarily keep me organized. That will be a task in itself. I can't wait to see my boy's.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

still in Florida

I am leaving the land of humidity and bugs thank god. Its been way to hot muggy for me.I am beat from meeting after meeting.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


Well I am at our annual meeting and it is all about getting fucked up every night. That is for everyone but me. The whole thing is getting old. Its like my life is a constant battle to stay sober. There seems to be no reprieve in sight. I need a break for a little while.

Sunday, September 30, 2007


Here I am at the airport again. I am on my way to our company's anual meeting. I am tired of flying on sunday's. Anyways I am intoducing a elearning program for our company so I hope that goes ok. The good news is I am staying with my brother. I opted out of the hotel gig.

Friday, September 28, 2007


In my distorted view I wish I was like nacho libre. I want to be someone who my boys look up to, a hero. I have been a side show act during my days of drinking and now I am struggling to be a man, a dad.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007


Change is about doing things differently. When I stopped drinking everything I did previously had to change. I find myself now redirected to my own thing, my own company. I am gearing up to grasp life with a passion based on something I believe in and not what someone else believes in. So I am working on the beginning stages of my company. This effort will take me into December, however I am sure it will be a success as long as I am sober.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007


I am so over this whole job thing. I should be grateful to be alive. I went to bible study last night and they talked about how god would walk every night with adam.I would love for him to walk with me.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Shell Bound

I have been retreated to my shell for the last several days. I having been beating myself up for the blown opportunity. Things come along once and while and you have to make sure you are prepared otherwise you will lose. I am a competitive person and probably a sore loser, but that's the way is goes. I need some closure on this soon.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

my trip to NY

The only good thing about my trip was that I got to say a prayer at ground zero.

what happened is that I left my questions on the subway. They fell out of my file, what kind of luck is that? So at the end of the interview I was a little stuck..

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

blew it

I think I blew the job interview.

Friday, September 14, 2007


This is a shitty deal, why do have I have to live with constant doom of the next drink? It seems to follow me around everywhere. I know when I crossed that line, however I just couldn't cut down on my drinking. It's was after that point it began to take over my life and now it waits for me to make one mistake. Step 1.

I am trying to prepare for this new deal early next week and I just need more guidance from god. I fear change when actually I should fear not changing.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

reaching for the best

Well I have the interview early next week and I must fly to the NY. Everything is starting to move forward and I feel like going backwards. What the hell is that all about. This will be a big move out of my comfort level, so it compounds everything. I am really trying to stay positive.. I have been praying a lot and that isn't a bad thing.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007


I had fun watching and playing baseball with our neighbors boys. We sat and watched my youngest son practice and then we all went to another field to throw the ball. You could tell how much they missed having a dad.

I am in the isolation stage again in my program. I don't know if it's the lack of hours or the lack of effort. I must keep moving ahead and add another meeting during the week.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

the survivors

What happens to the survivors left behind after an alcoholic has his last drink or an addict his last fix? They move on as best they can and others help raise their kids. While the alcoholic looks down wishing for another chance that won't happen.

I got a call today from a friend, her husband died from drinking about a couple of months ago. She told me that her boys wanted me to teach them how to throw a baseball and wanted to go to the baseball fields with me and my boys. I told her I would be happy to take them starting tomorrow. Her husband never taught them, however it was on his list. I am so sad for her boys.

Monday, September 10, 2007


photo by nick koudis

I went shopping last night for food because we were running low. Now that the boys are getting older the cost of supporting them has increased dramatically. What the hell can you do? I haven't heard a thing about the job, so I assuming nothing is going to happen. oh well..

Sunday, September 09, 2007

meeting free

I am at point in recovery where meetings are not whats keeping me sober any more. God is keeping me sober by his belief alone. That is a twelve and final step in this block. I am enjoying a one on one recovery which god provides. I don't have to listen to pariahs any more.

Saturday, September 08, 2007

sports insanity

We have six games to attend tomorrow. 2 soccer games, 3 baseball games and 1 football game...This is a result of 3 boys playing 2 sports...