Sunday, February 26, 2006
I was at my grandmothers rossary today and the casket was open. She wasn't the same, her hands were flat. I felt like I was going to fall down. I went to get some water and never looked at her again. It was hot and I was uncomfortable, however I stayed next to my mom through out the service. I really just freaked out by the whole thing. I have to be a pahl barrier tomorrow and we will see how it goes.
Friday, February 24, 2006
My grandmother pasted away yesterday in Florida. I have to fly there tomorrow morning, because the rosary is Sunday and the funeral is Monday. She was a strong woman with a sense of humor. When I was bad as a kid she use to chase me around and pull my hair. I thought she was strict, but her actions where only out of love. She was always was available for me to shoot the shit. She was a godly kind woman and I will miss her. When she died my mother held her hand and as she gasped her last breaths my mom knew she died in peace. My mom told me that it was a wonderful gift from god that she was able to be present and that she knows my grandmother is now with god.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I have been working my ass off at my job. I wanted to post so bad but I was knee deep in contracts. I had to fly to Detroit to meet with the architects and contractors and I had to make sure I knew all aspects of the job. I had two projects similar in scope waiting for me at home. These are all large bids and one screw up will cost us the contract. I have thought about drinking more than usual, and its because of the uncertainty and the pressure. I use to work on the contracts drunk and some how pulled it off or someone would bail me out. No ones around any more to bail me out and somehow that is a scary feeling. I have been praying a lot more than usual and by doing so I can feel my spirituality growing. I really believe if I removed the god out of my life I would be on the streets in a week. I have been going to church every Sunday with my family. They like the church we are going to, but I really want something different. More spiritual and in Latin with incense. Well for now I will go to their church, because this is a time in life when I need to take the I out of what others want. Thanks to the people who were concerned.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
I am doing ok, however my grandmother is predicted to be in a coma in the next 24 hours do to her deteriorating state. She is 91 years old and had a good life. I spoke with her over the phone and she has fully prepared herself for god. It is almost like she is having these visions of the after life and she even told me that she will come to see me soon. I told her that would be cool. My grandmother is a funny old lady with a good sense of humor. When I was drinking I use to call her a lot and make her laugh. I know she knew I was drunk during those conversations, however she was laughing instead of crying. I know it hurt her seeing her grandson dying in front of her and she was helpless. I stopped calling her while I have been sober because I feel ashamed of all the time I have wasted. I really believe she wanted the best for and is happy that I am sober.
Friday, February 17, 2006
I just got back from my meeting in Detroit. The meeting was a success because I was prepared. I have learned its not all about me. The success of a company is from all the efforts of each team member including the person answering the phone. My boss on the other hand is a freak. He came up with some bizarre feel good opening and all the people were looking through the documents I had prepared. I was about to puke and the clients looked bewildered. I had to answer all the questions and did it very well. For that I am happy. I am sober still just for today.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
I have some many bids coming in I am losing my mind and the fears are ever increasing. Will I fuck up or more like when will I fuck up. It's just really hard when you are making decisions that can turn the company upside down and you have the fears that can cloud up your mind. I need to put on my game face on and make sure I am through. I have this paper weight that says "What could I accomplished if I didn't have fears". I could probably name a million things that I could do most rational and some not so rational. So I am heading for Detroit for a large meeting on the contract I am working. My boss will be there to flying from Florida. This deal is a large one for the company and we really need it or I actually need it. My boss will keep the heat off if I can close these deals. Which is a good thing for me. I just have to keep god, my family and AA in my pocket.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
I fuck up again at work and totally forgot to call this asshole back and he wrote a nasty email about me to the president of the company. I am so fucked I really don't know if my mind is truely in this whole job that I am doing. I just deal with a lot a varriables in my job that if one is fucked up then it seems to effect the rest of them. It's alot of hats to wear is the best description and I am sick of picking up the wrong one. I need to be more assertive and organized I guess what ever.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
A guy asked me to be his warm up for a speakers meeting. I don't know the guy and I felt uncomfortable. He wanted to pick me and my wife up and take us to the meeting with he and his wife. His wife is in alanon however she doen't know my wife n.o does he. I don't even really know him and i never met his wife before. I asked my wife and she said hell no she wouldn't go. The whole situation was wierd he asked me out of the blue and as a good alcoholic I couldn't say no. I had to call him today beacause the meeting is this Sunday. He said he already found someone, because I didn't return his call right away. I am not going for feel guilty, because if one of the guys in my home group asked me I would have gone. It was just one of those things that felt just wrong at the time.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Alcoholism is a main incredient in the game of golf. Most people suck at it and playing bad golf is a great way to drink and forget. I use to play golf fucked up and I always swore acholol had a major part in my game. I never kept the score cards and even if I did the scores would be lies. Well I'm thinking about playing again and the fears are that I will play worse now being sober. Another one is can I with stand the uges not to drink a nice cold ice beer after 9 holes. Of course I could just only drink one.
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Saturday, February 04, 2006
prophet Mo. While the intrepid newspaper has not apologized for printing the cartoons, it has issued a statement acknowledging that the cartoons "offended many Muslims, which we would like to apologize for." Paul Belien at The Brussels Journal singles out the courage of Danish Prime Minister Anders Fogh Rasmussen, who has refused to capitulate to the bullies: He is one of the very few European politicians with guts. If anyone deserves a prize for his valiant defence of freedom of speech and freedom of the press, it is certainly Mr Rasmussen. He did not give in to pressure from Muslim fanatics, nor from the appeasers at the UN, the European Commission and the Council of Europe. In the past weeks Denmark has shown that all is not yet lost in Europe. If something is rotten now it is not in Denmark.
Friday, February 03, 2006
I was some what in fit when I was drinking. I am not as much now that I am sober. I don't go to the gym now, because I don't have to work off a hangover. I use to try to gym detox myself and it never really worked. I also use to go to the gym drunk. I probably smelled like a bottle of Jack Daniels with all the alcohol in my sweat. I do hike on the week ends, wait.. sometimes. I really need to think about this more because it seems to me that working out will help my sobriety.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Well ugh.. The only thing I can say is "Fuck You"! No wait ugh "We just hired someone for that position in the window", or "you must have a close family", "So what Indian tribe are you from?", or "So you must be a graffiti artist" or "I knew it you have cerebral Turets Syndrome". or "So your dad's in the Billboard business". Fuck you I am tired.
I really believe now my tombstone will have something good to say on it when I die. When I was drinking they probably would have cremated me and flushed me down the toilet. I didn't care of about anything else except for making sure I had ample enough alcohol to drink. Today I just care about trying to be the best person I can. To be honest I am proad of myself, there that is still hard to say.