Saturday, March 31, 2007

pharmaceutical sales

Pharmaceutical sales people are the modern day drug pushers. The difference is that they are educated by books as oppose to the streets. The ironic thing is that they everyone I have met are big users/abusers of prescription drugs. "They are the geeks on the streets" as this one illegal drug dealer told me. There are more and more commercials now pushing drugs upon us as a society. The Drug Companies are using these new acronyms as a way of tricking the public into thinking they are sick. Fuck them.

Friday, March 30, 2007

A booze buzz for teenyboppers?

Anheuser-Busch product so adorable it draws fire from alcohol abuse camp "With prom season and all its attendant hazards around the corner, some law enforcers and health advocates are adding one more cause for parents to worry — a new alcoholic beverage called Spykes that is sized, flavored and priced in a way that critics say is aimed at teens." click for msn article

san diego

Wow I just got here this morning. I had to stay in phoenix overnight and I had about 4 hours of sleep. I feel like I was doing coke all night.

While at the phoenix airport I decided to go into the bar, because you can smoke in there. This was 6:00 am and yes there were people drinking. They were the double shot crowd. This guy (redneck) who was at the bar smoking and drinking his water, was laughing at all of the people drinking. He said " I can't believe it's 6:00 am and all you people are drinking!, You all must be alcoholics.." I was laughing my ass off as the people drinking we getting more and more pissed off at this guy. He kept laughing at them and commenting, I was waiting for a bar brawl. I had to leave and catch my flight, but it was a good laugh.

Thursday, March 29, 2007


I am stuck at the dallas airport waiting for my already delayed flight. This sucks because I hate airports. I use to drink all the time while waiting for the flights. My drink of choice at the airport was a double gin and tonic. I use to drink them so fast the bartenders use to cut me off. I would just find another airport bar to serve me. I thought I had them really beat.

today I am glad I went to a meeting last night. Every time I go to a meeting I get a coin and when I feel like drinking I use them up. Today I have enough coins to be a ok during days like this.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

texas style meeting

I was at the compass group meeting tonight and yes they have smoking in the meeting. Wow this is the only city with the exception of denver that allows smoking that I have been too on my travels. It was a speakers meeting and the speaker never showed up. That was ok because some of the people shared. It is great to see aa every where I go. The meetings might be slightly different but the message is still the same. I needed a meeting tonight because I have been under a strain at work and I have been trying to control it myself without gods help. I know where that road will take me and I also know a meeting will get the me out my head. I feel good tonight that I am back on track at least for today.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


I am in dallas on a business trip and I am staying at a mariott and there is no smoking rooms. I was in shock, but maybe this might be a good thing. I won't smell like smoke in the morning. I am eating at the bluefish it is a sushi restaurant. I feel like a bloated bait fish right now. It was pretty good I just hope I don't get food poisoning. Well I am going to pay and head back to the room.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

step on this

My wife is watching some stupid dance movie. I think the name of it is stepping up. I am more of a drama, horror flick kind of person. I really like movies dealing with the spiritual aspect of evil in the world. Being scared make me feel alive for some reason.

I played golf today with two other guys in the program and we had a good time. I really trying to open up more with people, however it is a hard thing for me. I really have a hard time trusting people.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

fence sitter

I have been trying to ignore the fact that I need at least another meeting in my weekly routine. I have to be careful of not trying to run my own program. I ran my program for years and it never worked, I ended up drunk. Maybe I am just going through a stage in my recovery and things will change in my attitude in time. I guess, this ambivalent feeling that is inside of me must leave soon. Whatever, I am thinking to much on what is wrong instead of taking action.

My son's baseball game is at 7:00pm tonight and hopefully I will have fun.

Friday, March 23, 2007

to mas meetings

For me too many meetings keeps me hidden from reality . The real world is out there and I want to be a part of that world. The idea of dealing with the fears as a normal person is something I desire. I don't want to run back to the bottle or hide myself at a meeting. I want to confront issues head on. If we loose a leg we do not grow back a new one, but also we don't need to sit in a wheel chair the rest of our lives. To many of anything is bad for me and I will tend to become off balance. I am trying to live life on life's terms, not mine.

hit the wall

After busting my ass all week with hardly any sleep, I have hit the wall. I am wiped out, so I am going to have a kick back night.


I haven't quit yet, but I am thinking about the whole idea of hiking without huffing. I am sick and tired of paying $4.50 a pack, it is such a waste of funds. This is one of my last vices so I guess I am less willing. whatever..

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

start your day

Some people start their day with paper and a cup of coffee. I start my day with a morning prayer and a diet coke.

Still no news on the projects and I have two bids due Friday and I am scrambling around trying to finish. I am running out of time with no help from corporate. They let my assistant have the week off with out asking me..

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

on a roll

I feel like I am still on a roll in my business, however nothing has closed yet. I have a lot on the boards and if they close my life will become easier for this year. I keep praying and working hard, something has got to break.

Sunday, March 18, 2007

wreckage from the past

I can not change the wreckage from the past. I need to stop looking in the rear view mirrors and focus on today.

My wife and I have been arguing about the finances again. I am getting F'd again by my company and I can hardly deal with the strain they are putting on my family because of not paying me on time.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Friday, March 16, 2007


My son hasn't been trying at baseball since his string of strikeouts. I don't know if disappointment is the right word, because I don't want him to fail or feel like a failure. He is making excuses to stay on the bench like his stomach hurts. Part of me feels like yelling at him and getting in his face. However this is how my father acted with the addition of punching me. The other half wants to comfort him and protect him. I would have kicked any parents ass tonight that my any comment about my son. My first reaction is to fight anyone around me, when I feel like I did tonight. Wow, that is how I use to act when I was drinking by always looking for a fight. The difference today is the anger goes away a lot quicker.

Thursday, March 15, 2007


I keep these things fresh in my mind, because I never want to forget.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

long nights

man, I don't miss those long nights of drinking. Staying up as long as I could then I would pass out. This would go on for days, weeks and months. Today if I stay up late I am exhausted the next day. How in the hell did I do that shit for so long. I just pray to god that I stay sober for today, because I never want to go back to the life of using and drinking again.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Bible Study

I was ready to sell my ownership in the company and quit. I was pissed off at my boss again for some more bullshit he is giving me. I would have punched him today if I saw him, but he is in a differnt state. I drove home pissed, thinking about the whole situation and by the time I got home I was exhausted from the mental stress. After talking myself out of going to bible study, I went anyways. I walk into the bible study and the subject was love thy neighbor. I felt like walking out, but I stayed to try and understand how the hell I was suppose to love my boss. I am still not sure but I feel more peaceful and thats a good thing.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

no oars

Sometimes I feel my life is like being on a boat with no oars. I am basically going no where in my personal growth. I spend so much time dealing with trying to juggle my job, time with my three boys and time with my wife. Lately most of the time I have spent has been with a negative attitude which I know I need to change.

Saturday, March 10, 2007


click to read link


My addiction wanted one thing and that was my death. I could never see it through the fog that I was in. It was pushing me to reach further and further for that next drink or drug. Then one day I fell and fell hard. The fall lasted for many months until I was almost dead. Today I have two things that keep me from the edge, the program and god.

Friday, March 09, 2007

the cross


damn I am glad I don't drink anymore.

party too much

Getting a Grip Here’s how to cope if you recognize yourself in the above scenarios. Remember, drunk isn’t sexy. “If you get to the point where you’re the crazy drunk dancing on the piano or in the bathroom puking, people are going to turn and walk the other way,” says Piper. Booze can make you feel irresistible but rarely makes you come off that way. Space your drinks by slowly sipping a glass of water in between each one. Know your limits—and stick to them. Controlled drinking can work. Try this experiment: Set a fixed number of cocktails that you’ll allow yourself to have in a drinking situation. If you break your own rule and exceed your limit, that’s a red flag. Don’t ignore it. Discover excitement without imbibing. All your social functions need not center around a bar. “Find outlets to have fun and meet people where booze isn’t involved,” says Dr. Durkin. “Try a volunteer activity, join a health club, get a hobby.” I HAVE TRIED IT, AND IT DOESN'T WORK. THIS ARTICLE IS CONFUSING TO ME> click to read article

Thursday, March 08, 2007

my lab


my kids got this mask from a Mexican candy store and one size fits all. I am now a el lucahdor.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Erotic Garden

Erotic Garden in South Korea There's a persistent prejudice against the Japanese, the Koreans and other Asians -- that they're prudish and repressed. But go to "Love Land" on Cheju Island in South Korea and you'll start to question that cliché. click for link

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


I am going for my TB test tomorrow morning and for some reason my wife is convinced that I will test positive. She read on med site that people with addictions are more susceptible to contracting the virus. I think she just wants to blame me for something. However we need to find the active person who is spreading this virus. So I guess my name will still be on the list at least for a couple more days. My youngest boy has the virus and it is inactive. This means he can't spread the virus and has to be on meds for 6 months. He will test positive the rest of his life and that sucks..

Monday, March 05, 2007


I was at children's hospital yesterday from 3:00 pm till 9:00pm waiting for my youngest son's lip to be stitched up. His brother slammed the door on his face, splitting his lip in two. By the time we left the hospital we were both exhausted. A guy from the program met me there which was cool, because he got to see a glimpse of the insanity I live having three boys. I had to fly to Oakland today for meetings and I got back home tonight in a enough time to go to bible study. What a blessing bible study has been for me..

Saturday, March 03, 2007


My youngest who is 5 years old tested positive for TB. I am really freaked out by this because it just doesn't happen that often to young kids in this country. The pediatrician sent us to get a chest X ray and we won't get the results till tomorrow morning. The other two boys will get tested tomorrow and my wife and I will be tested on Monday.

Friday, March 02, 2007

with god

Tomorrow I am going to the funeral of a great man. This man died honest and sober.. I spoke with him a lot at my rehab center, he was on the H&I tour for many years. He helped countless men and women in this program. He was aa inside and out. He was in my home group and was highly respected for his dedicated work in helping other alcoholics. He would always ask me in my first year "did you drink today?" and I would say no and he would say in his Scottish accent "then your a winner". I always felt good when he would say that to me. I wanted so much to be a winner. He has been a big part of my recovery and I will hold him dear to my heart forever.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

feeling good

I am feeling good today and that is a good thing. I have been calling the phone list and it so much easier to do now. When I first walked into the rooms and was given a list of names to call, I threw it away. It took me a while to make the first call but I finally did and it was my lifeline.