Friday, March 31, 2006
I have coined "Norbie" as the name for someone who is Normal. I hate the word Normee is sounds to degenerate. Any ways I wonder what it would be like to be a Norbie. I could go today to a bar and have half a beer and leave. I wouldn't being sitting around worry about who was going to drink the half of beer or if the asshole bartender was going to throw it away or did I leave a napkin on top so the bugs won't fly in it or did I leave it to close to the edge of the bar so someone could knock it over or is the temperture of the beer getting to warm or would it taste to watered down to add an ice cube or will it still be there when I get back, where are my fuckin keys. I guess I will never know what it would be like to be a norbie.
There is a guy out here soon to be running for Governor and his name is Pete Chola. He has proposed an idea that will make the liberals and right wing Christian fundamentalists wet their pants. There are roughly 5.5 million people in the USA who are here illegally. Suppose for $2,000.00 a person could get a social security # and citizenship. Students can get an extended green card for $2,000.00 and all would be screened for terrorists, murders etc. Now there is roughly 10 billion dollars. We now take that money and build a wall on our borders. We employ the new citizens to help build the wall at a fair wage. They learn a new trade and we secure our borders. PLEASE VOICE YOUR OPINION
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I am glad I don't get sick throwing up any more since being sober. I always would throw up in the morning trying to get that 1st drink down and after that I was usually fine. Doing that on a daily basis seemed ok for me, because I would never dare try to just stop. It was just a way of life for me. Now instead of trying to get that 1st drink down I try to pray. I pray to god to thank him for keeping me sober.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
There were protestors all over the place by my office. They were protesting the new proposed immigration laws. I believe in the right to protest, however the problem of taxpayer money subsidizing their healthcare is a problem. The hospitals out here are going out of business by treating all the illegals. They have closed the prenatal care unit at the hospital down the street from me. Our crime rate has increased and a good portion of the crimes are from illegals. There are a lot of good people who are illegal’s but with all the good there are drugs runners, gangs and murders. We have to tighten the borders and nothing seems to work, so I am game for anything new.
Today I am just a few steps ahead of my next drink. The only reason I am ahead a few steps is because of God and AA. I know what will happen if I slip and that is what I fear today. Part of me know knows that I have a lot of drinks to make up for by being sober for over 1 ½ years. Therefore if I do slip it will be like a child in a candy store with no parent around to stop him. I need to fear that next drink, because I have built back my relationships with my wife and kids and I don’t think they have it left in them to forgive again. Nor do I have the ability to forgive myself again.
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Monday, March 27, 2006
Man I could have used a drink today. I lost a 1,000,000.00 dollar project. It wasn't my fault and if it was I would own up to it. I never would admit anything was my fault when I was drinking. Actually in my head I was pretty much fault free. However my boss screwed it up and even admitted it was his fault. I really needed this one to keep him off my ass. I prayed to god and asked him for guidance and to help me stay sober today. I know this will pass and another project will come my way. This I believe is called faith. Faith in a god who will help me through guidance to support my family. Today I have the faith instead of fate.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Recessed into a urinal is a pressure-sensitive display screen. When the guest uses it, he triggers an interactive game, producing images and sound. The reduced size of the “target” improves restroom hygiene and saves on cleanings costs (like the “fly in the urinal” at Amsterdam's Schiphol Airport). It also makes a trip to the urinal “fun and games” – more than just a necessary nuisance http://www.yankodesign.com/product_info.php?products_id=866
If in your meeting there was a person whom committed a crime of child molested. This crime with Megans Law is public record and published via the internet. If in the group some one shares this information this others on a personal level is this breaking the persons anonymity or did the person by committing that crime break his own anonymity? What should be done in a group? Kick out the person or is it that persons responsibility to get up in front of the group to state his or her case? This brings out all the alcologians in the group quoting Bill W. And Dr. Bob. These people are idiots and every group has them. Things like this can divide a group and cause deep resentments and drive us away from the main purpose, which is that we all are trying to stay sober. I have three boys and if I saw someone around my house that committed such a heinous act, I would put a bullet in their head.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I have been doing preventing presentations all week and my last one is tomorrow. Next week I won't have any, thank god. I have to get out and speak in front of architects and explain our products and answers all their questions. Most of the time they ask stupid questions with stupid looks on their face. I try my best not to start laughing. The good thing is I have a lot of friends that have moved up to partners or firm owners, which makes my job easier. I miss being able to blog this week it has really helped in my sobriety. It like having a writeboard for your journal. I feel better writing my thoughts down and knowing I am not alone. I also like to see how others are doing and experience their strengths hopes and joys. It helps keep me from isolating and what the hell am I doing I sound like this should be a blogger promo. However it is all true. Finally it amazes me how many people play a part in a persons sobriety. Thank God,
Friday, March 17, 2006
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
I wonder how I am going to be when I get old. I am at the middle stage of life or is that thirty. What ever, I just hope that I have near the energy the old man in the picture has got. As long as I stay sober tonight I will have a better chance of living longer and chasing old chicks.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Some days this what my life feels like at work. My boss is the knife thrower and again I am on the fucking spinning wheel. The more I stay out of my head the further the knifes end up. However when I give him the power I can feel the knives going right through me. These are the times I pray to god and ask him to help me take the power back from him.
Monday, March 13, 2006
For me in the 1st year a schedule with minimal change was important to me. It was also important that my wife knew where I was going and around what time I would be back. It keep me committed and busy in a period where to much free time was a dangerous thing. I stayed out of my head and just showed up and did what I was suppose to do, whether it was greeting people at the door, making coffee or cleaning up after a meeting. I pick up the phone list a began trusting others again. I focused on the tasks around me, not what the tasks where in my head. I tried to hold resentments to a low level by staying on my side of the street as much as I could. I would look at my shoes when I felt like fighting or getting in a argument with my wife. I would bring her flowers once in a while, asking for nothing in return. I went to 90 meetings in 90 days and a 52 week aftercare program offered by my rehab. It was the first time in my non-conformist life that I allowed anyone to direct me without any questioning. He has guided me to a life for which I could never pay back and as well the lives of my sons and wife. See, this group called Alcoholics anonymous has many miracles thru god on a daily basis. For I am one just today, thanks to my sponsor and god.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Looking back almost all of my life was drinking or using. I was 13 years old and was dealing drugs. This opportunity came to me thru a guy who liked my older sister. I use to break up pounds of pot in my bedroom for distribution. I used the money to support my habit and to buy food for my brothers and sisters. We didn't have food, because my dad wouldn't give us the money to buy food. My mom was always gone when we were kids. She use to spend most of her day and night looking for my drunk father. We lived in very nice home and basically were considered well off. The problem was that was all a front my my fathers alcoholic ego. I then began drinking and that went on through high school and college. Passing out in yards parks and sporting events. I then began my quest of serious drinking, that's is when alcohol becomes your life and your god. You would protect it with lies, theft, and even death. The wreckage begins to pile up as though you lived in a massive junk yard. For me my life was unraveling at a fast past even if it was years. My family members only watched as they saw their husband, and brother dying in front of them. They could do nothing. I have been sober almost two years now. My life has never been better. I love my wife and kids and my brother and sisters and my mom. Every day I become stronger mentally and physically. It takes a while to regain your faculties after years of abuse. I owe my sobriety to God and AA.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
I have been on and working on the 4th, by writing and ripping up. I don't want to feel pain anymore, because I am just tired. I want to deal with it sometimes but other times it feels like its to much. I might be a little dramatic, but aren't we all. The main reason I am working on it faster is that I don't want to feel uncomfortable like I did in Florida. We are thrown in situations sometimes that are dangerous to our sobriety. In these cases you have to reach deep into your pockets to pull out any tokens we might have in order to stay sober. Without doing the steps and attending meetings their are no tokens you can use. Being totally defenseless against the next drink is not where I want to be.
I am in some kind of emotional time warp and the whole thing is driving me nuts. It seems like the focus keeps slipping away from my business and on to other things that have no financial value. Look, my wife stays at home and we have a nice house that's all good. The problem is the almighty dollar and it's just a necessity without any redeeming values. The whole stay at home trip is bullshit. It would be nice if she would hurry up and start writhing her book she has been promising. The fact is I am getting tired of working my ass off while she is at the gym. It just seems to me that something is wrong with this picture. Whatever back to work....
Monday, March 06, 2006
Sunday, March 05, 2006
I used to always have to take a piss when I was drinking and it didn't matter where. Once I was in my back yard and took a leak. My neighbor saw me, screamed and ran into her house. I just yelled fuck you and her husband didn't bother to come outside to get into a fight with a drunk. After the first month of being sober my kids would be outside and pull down there pants a take leak. I was shocked but they learned it from me. I am sober now and don't do what ever I want, therefore taking a leak in my yard in broad daylight is a thing of the past for me and my boys. I would have been able to drink more using this urinal right at the bar. The problem making sure your hitting the center or just the urinal.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Friday, March 03, 2006
We were on step 5 tonight and we read from the twelve and twelve book. What struck hard is when it talked about those who do not finish the fifth are doomed to drink. Wow, when my grandmother died and I went to Florida, I felt like I was holding on to a thread of sobriety. I prayed and used the phone to help give me the strength and really wished hard I had finished my fifth. It was only till I was caught off guard by her death that for the first time I felt unprepared. I have always been prepared when I travel, a way out and a list of meetings. I had half ass way out plan and a list of meeting with out days and times. I struggled with the issues with my Dad and I was in danger for the first time of my sobriety. I realized if I don't finish the 4th and 5th my sobriety will be lost. I talked with my sponsor and we and he agreed it was now time to move on with the program.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
I swear this feel like me today. I don't know what is wrong put I just can't get focused today. I truly feel like I am running my head into the wall. I have a ton of work and some how I can't get it together. I just need to try to keep my head in the ballgame and I am sure like everything else it to will pass. I Feel like a vacation is needed , however I don't have the funds this month. I am getting depressed reading this so I need to get back to work.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Everything turned out fine at the funeral. They had even asked me to do a reading. I got up and read what was given to me and it wasn't a problem. All my aunts and uncles told me how proud they were of me. I felt like saying for what, I did think they knew how much I drink. I always remembered being nice around them and not causing any problems. I guess I was wrong or I just don't remember. My father showed up in the end seat of the last aisle. I saw him and just about dropped the casket. I got out quick to my rental car and took off around the block. I waited there until the funeral procession was leaving the church and dunked into the line without him seeing. He didn’t come to the cemetery which was fine with me. The rest of my family had dinner at my brothers house and we all hung out talking. It's was really great seeing my family and being able to avoid my dad. I still am worn out from all the stress of flying and having my emotions on a rollercoaster drive. I'm just glad to be home and with my boys.