Sunday, July 30, 2006

Haight Street

I had a friend that owned a coffee shop off of Haight St close to the Ashbury intersection. For 10 years or move we would party together doing lines and smoking pot on the 2nd floor above the shop. I am headed that way for business, so I am thinking about not stopping by.

Sold Out

You never have to worry about finding a seat at a AA meeting, because there is always a chair for you. I have yet for find a meeting where they didn't have a chair for me or someone else.

Today it is finally raining and cooler. Yeahh...

Saturday, July 29, 2006


I think I am going to throw away my wool socks and sweater

Friday, July 28, 2006

Baby Toe

Update I went to the orthopedic doctor today. The first to enter the room was a young intern from med school. He told me they needed to rebrake my toe and I had two options. The first was to get a couple shots to numb the toe prior to breaking. The second was to just break the toe without any type of medication. I mistakenly asked the intern what he would do in my position. He said be hardcore and don't take anything for the pain. I reluctantly said ok, because I didn't want to look like a wuss. While leaving the room he said the he would be back with the other doctor in a few minutes. I waited and waited trying to figure out how I could take the shots and keep my dignity. In walked the intern with the doctor and the doctor proceeded to tell my options again. Before I could say anything the intern blurted out that I wasn't taking the shots. The doctor looked at me as one would look at warrior. I felt a strong manly feeling rush into my body. I told the doctor; let’s get on with it I am not taking any shots. The doctor then said that he was going to leave the room, because he doesn’t like to hear people scream. Holy shit I was panicking as the intern grabbed my toe and broke it again. It hurt like shit, however I wasn't about to yell out. He taped it up and I was still in shock. I left the doctors office in a daze. Next time I will take the shots.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I am Grateful

I remember life after the war. Hiding in the ruins of the bombed buildings. The man with no legs pushing his way on a tiny platform. I remember playing alone. I remember playing with the other children. We did not have any toys. We were making our own. I remember the girl on the third floor. She never played with us. She was a ballerina. -More- Read the rest "b simple"

Backyard Photo

It is hotter than Sacramento here in SD.


Last night at 11:00 pm a house burned down in our neighborhood. That is a scary thing when every thing here is so dry. I heard something at 3:00 am, so I jumped out and started to run towards our bedroom door, however my toe got stuck on a metal chair leg. One of my chair samples, damn it hurt like shit. I ended up sleeping on the downstairs couch, because I didn't want to wake up my wife and kids from my yelling F@#@K, S#*T etc. I went to the doctor today and it is broken. Tomorrow an orthopedic doctor will set the toe. Yikes. posted on HNT

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


I am not like a typical whinny California person but it's hot here. I have really never needed AC, nor did most of the people that live around me. The ocean breeze has kept us cool; however since the water temperature is 20 degrees higher than usual it's now a warm breeze. My kids have little patience in this weather. They have been fighting with each other as well as me.

Lately program people have been riding my ass about finishing the steps. Most of the people who ride me don't have kids and have a lot of free time. I need to finish, because I don't want to be that guy I saw at meeting when I first got sober. The guy had 2 years and hadn't finished the steps. I thought he was a half ass.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

New Birks Part II

After viewing my blog for the first time my brother and his wife saw the remnants of the Birkenstocks I was wearing. They decided to get me some new shoes for my birthday. Not that I really needed them. The funny thing is that last night I was going to order them on birkenstocks central's website. Today I was leaving for work when I saw a package at the front door. It was my new birkenstocks.

Thanks again Beth and Patty.

Monday, July 24, 2006


The more I have kept my mouth shut the better things have been. I have been trying to reduce the daily resentments I seem to come up with for my boss. The more I can reduce the negative aspects of my personality the better employee I will become. Don't get me wrong the guy is still a dick, but I am pulling the amount of control the dick has over me away.

I have a problem sometimes of giving power to others instead of god.

Sunday, July 23, 2006


Last night I went to my meeting and got see a guy take a cake for 7 years. The guy is funny and fairly quick on his feet, however he takes the program seriously. He has helped me find humor in a seemingly non humorous world. He also pushes me when I feel uncomfortable and don't want to be pushed. In the past I always thought I could do this by myself. I have tried drinking only on weekends or one six-pack a day it never seemed to work. There would always be this voice in my head to have just one more. I know now, I could never do this alone because I would eventually fail. Thank god for AA and the phone list.


Pamela Anderson

I don't think that the radiologist was too surprised in seeing this x-ray.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

Back at You Scott

Like a true alcoholic we are completive by nature. To make you feel at ease we would be even. I haven't been out since I have been sober (over 2 years), so I am not sure. I am playing next week for the first time sober. I shot pretty good drinking, so therefore one would expect to shoot better sober.

Burger King

New marketing for BK, lusting the burger. I never really thought about lusting for a whopper. My guess is that they are adding extra mayo.

Friday, July 21, 2006


I am just having a great day today. It is one of those days when you really feel grateful to be sober. Everything that has been hurled at me today just bounced off. I feel like a party with out the alcohol or drugs. Thanks to AA and God.

Fired My Sponsor

I am thinking about how long it will take to get my new Pocket Sponsor. Wow a sponsor that doesn't talk back. I wonder if I should have bought two just in case I lose my pocket sponsor. lol, I will stay with the only way a real sponsor and a phonelist.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Not Today

There is something to be said about being sober. I don't have to be the dumb ass anymore. photo random person, not me.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


When I use to drink it made me feel strong and secure. I often hear in meetings that it was like loving someone who doesn’t love you. You become infatuated and will do anything for them; even if it meant driving miles and crossing state lines to find them. I use to get up at 3:00 am and look for a Liquor store that was open. I would search the garage at 7:00 am looking for an extra bottle. I just needed a little drink to start my day. Since I have been sober I have yet do anything with as much determination as I did chasing that high. photo by: Michal Podobycko.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

First Drink

I have often wondered if my dad would have still given me that first drink knowing now the pain it has caused. I remember that drink because I knew that is was wrong. I watched him drunk all the time and I didn't want to be like that. I ended up taking the drink from him and passed out just like him. I woke up thirty two years later shaking drunk and looking in the mirror, I had become my dad.

Happy Birthday Pete

He is a guy that has really helped me in my sobriety

Monday, July 17, 2006


My disease doesn’t want me to be happy. It doesn't want me to be successful. It wants me to fall down on my face. As for my family it wants no part. The more pain I have the better. It wants me. It resides inside my head. You can call it what ever the hell you want the voices, satan, the committee, whatever. The fact remains that I need to work the steps and have a God that is loving, caring and wants me to be happy. I know I deserve that.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Sober Ball

Game: Sober Ball 

by Coffee Bitch kuzusi

Kanamara Matsuri

"The Kanamara Matsuri (Festival of the Steel Phallus) is an annual Shinto fertility festival held in Kawasaki, Japan in spring. The exact dates vary, but the main festivities fall on a Sunday. The penis forms the central theme of the event that's reflected everywhere; in illustrations, candy, carved vegetables, decoration, a parade of mikoshis, etc. etc." wikipedia Tahuchi, mommy got your chocolate dick cone! I wonder what the children's rides look like.

Stay in The Now

Man, I have already been preparing for a job I don't even have yet. It so easy for me to avoid the reality and create something that doesn’t exist. I mean, when someone says something it doesn't always turn the way they described or the way I intermitted what was said. For some reason I take information in meaning one thing and twist it around in my warped head to mean something completely different. I need to get back into today and that’s another thing meetings help me do.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Movie on a Schooner

Tonight we saw Mr. Roberts on the deck of the Star of India. The schooner was built in 1863 on the Isle of Man. It was pretty neat we brought blankets and watched the movie. We all had a blast. All the kids are asleep and I had to sit in the back with my oldest boy, because he was scared. I have to stop typing on my blackberry right, I am getting car sick. Well back at home I carried the kids up to bed, my eldest is tall and weighs 90lbs and I felt like I was going to die carrying him. We went through a sobriety check point and for me it was drinking a triple espresso. I was excited about being pulled over and being clean. .We were waved on because the checking area was backed up, damn I thought., When I was drinking I use to make other people drive. I ended up running out friends they all had DUI's . They all hated me because I didn't talk to them afterwards, they weren't useful anymore.

What to Do

I don't know but for some reason I think something is about to turn for me in my job search. We visited a friend at her hotel so that our kids could play. She owns a company that will turn into a power house on the web. She wants bring on my wife and she wants me to send her my resume. She knows very influential people in Oregon, and said it will be a slam dunk for me. The companies are laid back and I would fit right in with my Birkenstocks. I love California and I am not sure I want to leave to move to Oregon. I know it may be a good opportunity for my wife as well as for me. I would have to leave my home group, sponsor and AA friends I care about. The perk is a house with a view of the mountains and couple acres of land. I would be 15 minutes from snow skiing and have a big ass deck. Hmmmm. Oh, the cookie was from my mom.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Marilyn Monroe??

I think so, what a voice, what a woman, Thanks JJ.
powered by ODEO


I spent some time trying to help a meth addict get back on his feet. I was lured by his desperate plea of being finished, homeless and 2nd chance. He attended meetings and it seemed like he was getting a grasp on the program. I helped him get started with a new job, new clothes and new attitude. He had a sponsor and was working the steps. Then I got a call and he wanted to borrow money for rent. So I gave it to him he was sincere. I didn't hear from him till a couple weeks later when he called from a topless bar and needed money. He went on to say that he was not a alcoholic, because he was a meth addict, however he was drunk. I haven't heard from him since and I don't think he did his 1st step. I have become a little bit colder when it comes to giving money to another alcoholic. The older guys in the program laughed and said you have to be careful, however nothing beats just a big book and a hot meal. Bottom line is we are liars thief’s and cheats, well except for me.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Links Obsession?

Thanks for adding the part about the site meter so called "rating system" Rad Roots. We all are obsessive people. I will go to the grocery store and buy my favorite trail mix and I have the urge to buy not just one but the whole rack. What if they run out next week? What if they stop carry my brand of trail mix? What other stores carry this brand of trail mix? I fully admit being an obsessive freak and without AA my next obsession will be a drink. As far as being obsessed with the number of links; if you have a site meter like I do or count your links then you to are obsessed by the number of links.


Wow I am 43 today and sober. I don't want the 18 pack birthday cake anymore. Today I prefer a NY cheese cake with my family.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

An Alcoholic's Dream

To fuck with his friends. If you are as childish as pete, then you will enjoy the hell out of this. Try It thanks pete

Phone List

It is very important to use the phone list from the meetings you attend. Talk to as many as possible, because you’re going to need them one day. During my first 90 days my sponsor pushed me to call someone at least once a day. The person was usually a different person each time. He told me when the person answered the phone: tell them your name and the meeting they would know you from, and "I am just checking in". For some reason that was the icebreaker for me and it always worked. People would get to know me and I would get them, however sometimes it is a slow process. I didn't know it at the time, but I was building my base. I am going through my list and calling everyone again.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Caution on Amends

Story: 21 years, 12 steps later, rape apology backfires: Step Nine of the famous 12 steps in Alcoholics Anonymous requires the member to "make amends" to those he had harmed through his addiction. Former UVA student William Nottingham Beebe may wish he'd stopped at Step Eight. After he tracked down and apologized to the woman he allegedly raped at a UVA fraternity house more than 20 years ago, the 41-year-old Nevada man was arrested last week in Las Vegas. His attempt to make amends answered with an arrest warrant, he now faces a possible sentence of life in prison. CNN has a video piece on this today.

My Part

When I look at my negative comments or my aggressive actions I can usually find somewhere in there is my part. I was acting like an asshole to my wife, because things are all fucked up now that she works part-time. Nothing seems the same anymore; the kids blame me for having to go to summer camp. The house went from fairly clean to a fucking disaster. I enter the carpool arena and there is nothing pleasant about picking up the neighbors kids. I have been fixing dinner to kids that think a typical menu is 300 pages. The dog is depressed, because of the new kitten we just recently purchased. Our homeowners association wants us to replace the garage door and paint our trim. I have to put wood flooring on the 2nd floor of our house, because the carpet is almost worn to the pad. I have to touch up the walls inside our house, because of 6 small hands. I am just grateful for today.

Summer Bikini Thong

THE BIKINI THONG PIANO PLAY. This great is great to play before going to the beach.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Advertising Gone Mad

On his website, Raoul Balai also proposed painting brand names on zoo animals and floating huge billboards off popular beaches to get vacationers' attention. "I was getting sick and tired of advertising everywhere," Balai told reporters. "But I don't want to preach, and I thought satire would work better." Far from taking his ideas as a joke, an Amsterdam zoo had its lawyer threaten Balai with a defamation suit after his website depicted fish from the zoo bearing the brand name of a frozen fish company. Prospective customers phoning his fake agency are kept on hold and bombarded with sales pitches until they give up. Thanks Teric for the post

We Can't Make It Alone

The odds of staying sober by yourself with no ones help is 00.0001%. Alcoholic Anonymous taught me that I don't have to do this thing alone. With the help of meetings, god, the steps and other alcholics my odds will increase to stay sober today. I think it's so cool that Scott, Dave and JJ got together in NY to spend time together. It's relationships like these that truly make me happy to be a part of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Life Stamp

I am really glad to see that pubs, bars whatever.. are stamping patrons hands with a cab companys phone number. I always drove drunk , thank god that I didn't hurt anyone. When I was drinking I never thought that I was drunk, so there was no reason to take a cab. But who knows after looking at a stamp on my hand all night(drinking hand), maybe I would have taken a cab. Technorati Tags: , ,

Friday, July 07, 2006


I saw this photo and I realized how lucky I am not to be drinking today. This was exactly like my dad only he was not as skinny. My dad would walk around the house with his loaded .357 pistol. I guess he would do it to intimidate us. After all the threats he made, we believed that one day he would kill us. He is still drinking and soon will die of alcoholism. When I was drinking I saw my dad when I looked in the mirror and could do nothing. Today I look in the mirror and see a man I am trying to get to know. I see a father who loves his wife and kids. Someone who is working the program of alcoholics anonymous, but if one day I stop going to meetings, working the steps and calling other alcoholics I will end up being my father.

Step Study

Tonight we were on step 10 and this is the step I needed to hear. I have been a little jealous of my wife. She has a kick ass part time job with a .com company that is getting ready to explode. It was her old boss she use to work for 7 years ago. I was sharing tonight that it should have been me that got the job. It is right up my alley and besides I am the tech in the family. I have been trying to take the me out of this whole deal with my wife. I keep telling myself to get over it and be happy for my wife after all she deserves the job. I need to grow up and put a lid on my ego. However I can't help but think that with my luck she will run off with some latin guy.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

MLO Blackberry

This software rocks with all the capabilities. This blows away anything out there that claims "MLO". I feel like someone was listening to all needs that people have been expressing in the forums. I now can delegate projects and keep track of them without worry about forgeting something. REXwireless

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

New Birks

I need new Birkenstocks. I have worn these in rehab and sobriety. I have had them for over two years and they have taken me too many meetings. I needed to feel as comfortable as possible when I first started going to meetings. I was sweating a lot detoxing from the alcohol and the barbiturates. They seemed to help because my feet could breathe. I would also kick them off and place my feet directly on the cool floors. I hated when people would look at me sweating gallons and wonder what was wrong. I never knew what to say to them. Posted on HNT


My office has no AC and I am dying. I feel like my head is going to implode. Everything seems to be moving slower, work, BRT (brain responce time), GTD (getting things done). I feel like going to get coffee, but with the heat I probably will get sick. I am starting to really believe the global warming problem. I think I will just sit in my car and turn on the AC.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Beach, Fair, Fireworks

Our plan was going to Oceanside beach that had a fair and fireworks happening. We were going to the beach for 3 hours and then meet some of our friends at the fair later and watch fireworks. We got great parking, because I jumped out and asked these people to wait to leave until my wife came back a round the block. When we were unpacking I overheard a lady say to her son a boy was stabbed. I was concerned, but they could been talking about last week. Then when we were walking and a lady was waving at me from across the street with her husband and kids, I didn't know her so I ignored her. She then ran across the street to informed me and my wife that the area is not a good scene and we should turn around and get back in the cars and leave. A riot was going on with a Latino gang and the bloods. On top of it all a little boy was severely stabbed. We got back in our car and went to Ponto Beach, everyone is real cool there. We hung out for 3 and half hour and fun. My son is going to join a surf camp there. I truly had a blast with my boys. After the beach we at dinner then headed to another friends timeshare and watch fireworks from there. This had to be the best Sober day with the family ever...

Happy 4th of July

Monday, July 03, 2006

Life Sober

I have over 2 years and I have never had it better

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Pre-4th of July Party

Every year our neighbors have a block party at the end of the cul-de-sac for the 4th of July. Last year I felt uncomfortable being around all the people I use to get fucked up with, sober. This year I really didn't give a shit to go at all. It has been hot as hell here in Socal. I felt like lying around with kids playing video games. We don't have air conditioning and really don't have a need for air-conditioning. Our floors are tiled all downstairs and the breeze is cooler from the coast. However we gave into our obligations and attended. I was surprised to see they got a keg this year. They never would do that when I was drinking. The bottom line is they knew I would have either finished it or would have passed out trying. The whole spin on the party is that I and another guy were the only sober adults there. He got sober before me and somehow was able to stop on his own. I take my hat of to him; I just couldn't do it that way. We watched all the ones most that are no doubt alcoholics. The stupid shit said was text book. My kids pointed out several people that where drunk and laughed at them. That was me over 2 years ago the guy falling down drunk. I told my kids to say a prayer for them. The cool thing is that the chain is broken.


I was feeling sorry for myself yesterday. Its ok to do that, because I didn't drink over. I look at it as a correction in my program. Yesterday was a sign telling me that I need to get back on the steps. I watch for signs of weakening in my sobriety and then take action to get back on course. I don't let myself drift too far from the path anymore. I did get off the path and it took over 23 years to get back. I am 42 and do not have the luxury of time. I look at it this way, I have wasted enough of my life chasing something that could never be mine. I chase now what is mine, my god, my sobriety and my family.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

A Dream

Sometimes I feel I have been just dreaming this whole thing about alcoholism. I keep trying to wake myself up and tell myself it was just a dream and everything is ok. This is too unfair to be real. I can't go out after work and have a drink with some friends. On Sundays go over to a friend’s house and watch football and have a couple beers. Sit at the beach and watch a sunset sipping a glass of wine. Has this whole thing been a scam or a joke that I have yet to get? Has this whole program brain washed me into believing a lie? What if I want my life back, can I take it back without some kind of penalty?------ They had a ceremony at the beach for a guy and I didn't go. They paddled out on surfboards and spread his ashes. Maybe I should have gone.

Take Control of Alcohol

I ran across this book when I was looking for new blackberry software: Are you drinking too much? A new BlackBerry ebook has advice Posted Jun 30th 2006 10:49PM by Russell Shaw Filed under: Software, Health, Fun Many of us will wash down our Fourth of July picnic fare (blackberry cobbler, anyone?) with a glass of wine or beer. And another. And another. It's tempting. Right now I am in my Seattle hotel room passing on a free-flowing party with a bunch of bloggers. But I had a glass of wine with an early dinner and that's about it for me. There are probably a few of you that may not have those boundaries, and drink a bit to much. What - outside the fact that BlackBerry and alcohol can both be habit forming- does this have to do with BlackBerry? I will stay with the big book. All the other books don't work for me.