Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
I had lunch today with a priest and I felt weird. He likes to dress in black with his collar typical priest attire and that didn't bother me. People were staring as if I was in trouble or someone was sick or died in my family. We talked about family and how everything is differnt in my life. I never knew him while I was drinking, even though he lives 6 doors down from me.He was walking by my house a couple days after I was in the Rehab center and spoke to my wife. She was just sitting in the driveway with her head in her hands, he asked her what was wrong. She told him the whole story and he wanted to visit me at the rehab center, but I refused. After 32 1/2 days later (4 for detox) I was out and scared as hell. He was one of the first to talk to me. I really enjoyed his spirituality and honesty. Today we are not that good of friends probably because of my fears, but one day we might.
I feel like I have caged my desire to drink. I don't have the obsession today like I use to have. The urge was almost to great at times, but I held on. I always keep the last days of my drinking forefront in my mind. Going to meetings were my tokens that I would use to help fight my desire to drink. My life while drinking and using was a life worth running away from. I am a happier person now even though the problems of life still hound me. I live now a day at a time and life on life terms. The cage must always be kept locked.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
My wife asked me to go to the drug store to get a prescription filled. I gave the prescription to the clerk and she told me that is was going to be around 20 minutes to fill, so I waited. After a few minutes I began to wander around and some how ended up in the liquor aisle. I began to think how nice it would to have a sip of scotch and maybe a crown and coke etc. I felt I could handle just one, but that thought only lasted a second. I realized that just one wouldn't do, I needed more. All the responsibilities that I have worked so hard to regain were slowly dwindling to nothing. I felt this stone wall and foundation crumbling at my feet. I felt uncomfortable and took a picture instead of a drink and walk away. I picked up the prescription and went home. As I opened my front door the house was filled with kids it was my son's birthday party, he is now 4 years old.
Friday, November 25, 2005
View from Griffith Park of LA at Night From the time of the great Los Feliz Rancho to the present, Griffith Park has had a very interesting and colorful history. In 1896 Colonel Griffith J. Griffith donated over 3,015 acres of land to the city of Los Angeles. This single act gave Los Angeles the largest municipal park in the world. Col. Griffith purchased the parklands when he acquired the Rancho Los Feliz in 1882. He was a wealthy man when he arrived in Los Angeles in the early 1880’s. He had made his money in investing in mines and now he was investing in land. The Los Angeles land booms of the late 1880’s made him even wealthier and then he married money. In 1903, something snapped in Col. Griffith. There is speculation that he suffered from alcoholic delusions brought on by drinking two quarts of whiskey a day. He had hinted that his wife was in cahoots with the Pope to poison him. And at the end of a month long vacation in Santa Monica, the Colonel shot his wife. She jerked her head, jumped out a window, landed on a canvas awning, and survived. She became the “society wife who wouldn't die.” Col. Griffith was convicted of attempted murder brought on by alcoholic insanity and was sentenced to 2 years in San Quentin. He served his time and then returned to Los Angeles. He was a hated and wealthy man. In he 1913 he set up a trust fund and donated $150,000 to build the Griffith Observatory and the Greek Theater.
My brother and his wife came out to visit my kids and spend Thanksgiving with us. Others had asked if I was concerned about my brother coming out because of his drinking and the answer was no. I know one day my brother and I will be sitting next to each other at a meeting. He came out and didn't drink alcohol or use at all. He respects my decision on getting sober. It was almost two years when he saw his brother dying in front of his eyes. He and the rest of my family felt hopeless. He was the first of any family member I have seen since sobriety. They all want to see me, but I am just not ready yet. Anyways we went out to dinner and afterwards my brother and his wife said they couldn't believe how much fun we had without drinking. That was shocking to me, because I still somehow want to believe the only way to have fun is to drink. I need to remember that it takes time getting use to my new skin.
We are a Fellowship of men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking and have found ourselves in various sorts of trouble as a result of drink. We attempt—most of us successfully—to create a satisfactory way of life without alcohol. For this we find we need the help and support of other alcoholics in A.A.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Correlation of alcohol craving with striatal dopamine synthesis capacity and D2/3 receptor availability
a combined [18F]DOPA and [18F]DMFP PET study in detoxified alcoholic patients. Heinz A, Siessmeier T, Wrase J, Buchholz HG, Grunder G, Kumakura Y, Cumming P, Schreckenberger M, Smolka MN, Rosch F, Mann K, Bartenstein P. Central Institute of Mental Health, Mannheim, Germany. OBJECTIVE: In abstinent alcoholic patients, a low availability of dopamine D2/3 receptors in the ventral striatum and adjacent putamen was associated with a high level of craving for alcohol. Alcohol craving may also depend on presynaptic dysfunction of striatal dopamine production, which may contribute to the risk of relapse. In this study, positron emission tomography (PET) was used to compare dopamine synthesis capacity in the striatum in alcoholic patients and healthy comparison subjects. METHOD: Positron emission tomography (PET) was used to map the net blood-brain clearance of the dopa decarboxylase substrate 6-[18F]fluoro-l-dopa, an index of dopamine synthesis capacity, in the striatum of 12 detoxified male alcoholic patients and 13 age-matched healthy men. The parametric maps were correlated with results of an earlier [18F]desmethoxyfallypride PET study of dopamine D2/3 receptor availability in the same 12 alcoholic patients and in 12 of the healthy volunteers. Alcohol craving was measured with the Alcohol Craving Questionnaire. Patients were followed for 6 months, and alcohol intake was recorded. RESULTS: The magnitude of net blood-brain clearance in the striatum did not differ significantly between detoxified alcoholic patients and the comparison subjects. However, a voxel-wise correlation analysis of net blood-brain clearance in the alcoholic patients linked low levels of dopamine synthesis capacity in the bilateral putamen with high levels of alcohol craving. After normalization of net blood-brain clearance maps to the voxel-wise estimates of dopamine D2/3 receptor availability, there was still a negative correlation with alcohol craving. Alcohol craving at the time of scanning was associated with high level of alcohol intake in the 6-month follow-up period. CONCLUSIONS: Simultaneous assay by PET of pre- and postsynaptic markers of dopamine neurotransmission indicated that a striatal dopamine deficit correlated with alcohol craving, which was associated with a high relapse risk. PMID: 16055774 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE] --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Neuropsychopharmacol Hung. 2005 Jun;7(2):78-82. Related Articles, Links Gender differences: does alcohol affect females more than males? Walter H, Dvorak A, Gutierrez K, Zitterl W, Lesch OM. Medical University of Vienna, Austria. email@example.com Human substance use is complex, being influenced by many psychopathological and sociological factors as well as the substance's pharmacological effects. Dependence development is not attributable directly to the consumed substance, but takes also all the other issues into regard. One of all these issues might be that gender represents an influencing factor and impacts on tolerance of a substance, on abuse patterns and finally on development of dependence as well as on addiction related disorders. Therapeutic programs' needs might be different too. In general, more men than women are alcohol dependent or have alcohol problems, but women are at greater risk for adverse effects and alcohol related diseases. Death rates among female alcoholics are 50 to 100 percent higher than those of men. Major impairments, diagnosis, medical and psychosocial consequences and their implication on treatment will be outlined. PMID: 16167459 [PubMed - indexed for MEDLINE
Despite laws in every State that make it illegal for anyone under the age of 21 to purchase or possess alcohol, young people report that alcohol is easy to obtain and that many high school and college students drink with one goal to get drunk. 1 Binge drinking is defined as consuming five or more drinks in a row for boys and four or more in a row for girls 2 Prevalence of Binge Drinking Binge drinking, often beginning around age 13, tends to increase during adolescence, peak in young adulthood (ages 18 to 22), then gradually decrease Highlights of SAMHSAÃs 1998 National Household Survey on Drug Abuse6 include: Why didn't it decrease for me? Is something wrong with me? Why am I not normal? Read the Big Book of Alcoholic Anonymous!
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
The lines in my college were long and my trips to Miami were frequent. I use to pick up ounces and sell them for personal use and drinking money. I didn't care how many people I fucked over as long as I could get drunk and high. I felt comfortable in my skin. My confidence was as strong as any Oxford grad, the problem was I had to have a drink.
Monday, November 21, 2005
President George W Bush tried to make a quick exit from a news conference in Beijing on Sunday - only to find himself thwarted by locked doors. After answering just six questions from a group of US reporters, the president strode away heading towards the door. President Bush tugged at both handles on the double doors before admitting: "I was trying to escape. Obviously, it didn't work." Mr Bush was in China in the latest stop of his East Asia tour. 'Jet lag' The president had called the news session with US reporters at his hotel. It seems almost spiteful but the vast press pack agrees that they are great pictures BBC reporter Adam Brookes Reporter's diary His earlier meeting with Chinese President Hu Jintao did not permit media questions. Mr Bush answered a range of questions before one reporter said: "Respectfully, sir - you know we're always respectful - in your statement this morning with President Hu, you seemed a little off your game, you seemed to hurry through your statement. There was a lack of enthusiasm. Was something bothering you?" The president answered: "Have you ever heard of jet lag? Well, good. That answers your question." The reporter asked for a follow-up question but the president then thanked the attending journalists and said "No you may not" as he walked away. He strode from the lectern to the door, trying both handles and then breaking into a laugh. An aide escorted him to the correct
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Today is another day that I am glad I didn't drink. I woke up at 4:00 am to off load a truck by myself. My install crew wasn't there to help, because the truck was 8 hours ahead of schedule. I placed out the furniture and the project manager still acting like a prick shook my hand. Life on life's terms... I am headed home. I 'm typing this while driving, not safe!
Friday, November 18, 2005
My day was great yesterday and shit today. The little man my boss moved two of my jobs to work his in and now we are late on both of mine. The project manager tonight basically told me to fuck off. The product that is late arrives at 4:00Am and now Ihave offload the truck. This is my main client and if I lose them I am finished. I don't feel like going to a meeting and I am just sick of life today.The problem is a drink won't make it better.post via Blackberry...
Thursday, November 17, 2005
This guy is totally an alcoholic with a good move. I only did this once , but its classic. I use to wait for people to dance then I would steal their drinks. The bartender didn't care because they would by more. I don't have to do that anymore because I am sober today. Which is a result of my God, AA, and calling other alcoholics.
I went to the dentist Tuesday because my front tooth was loose. I had a front tooth knocked out when I was younger playing baseball. It was basically a bad bunt. Anyways the dentist broke the post and looked at me in horror. He knew that this would cost me $700.00 + dollars and somehow blamed it on dentist who had put it in 25 years ago. I had to deal with one tooth missing for a day 1/2 and I found true humility fast. I didn't show my kids, because I didn't want them to have a bad memory of me. I didn't want to be around anyone and especially a mirror. I went a endo..... today and he removed the post. I was happy to avoid the cost of a implant. The dentist put a new post in and a temporary cap. The damage with insurance $698.00. It could have been worse and for that I thank god.
Monday, November 14, 2005
An ancient brewery from a vanished empire was staffed by elite women who were selected for their beauty or nobility, a new study concludes. The finding adds to other evidence that women played a more crucial role in ancient Andean societies than history books have stated. It may also in some ways reflect modern drinking traditions in the Andean mountains, where women get drunk as much as men, researchers say. The brewery, on a mountaintop in southern Peru, cranked out hundreds of gallons of beer every week. The 1,000-year-old facility was part of the Wari empire, which predated the Incas.
I was looking at all the fourth step guides, graphs, charts, outlines, verbiage, examples, forms, right ways, wrong ways etc in my 1 1/2" file folder. I almost felt a little confused on what the 4th step was after reviewing all of this information. Ok my part, your part, their part, and gods part, its finally becoming more clear. My part is the problem that I have in the 4th step. If removed, my 4th step can be easily achieved. Am I the victim in this life of mine or just a person who's yard encompasses a city block. I have decided to go back to Pg.65 of "The Big Book" and see how this really works...
The first fold is a symbol of life. The second fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life. The third fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veteran departing our ranks and who gave a portion of life for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world. The fourth fold represents our weaker nature; for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in times of war for his divine guidance. The fifth fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, "Our country, in dealing with other countries, may she always be right, but it is still our country, right or wrong." The sixth fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that we pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. The seventh fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic. The eighth fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day, and to honor our mother, for whom it flies on Mothers Day. The ninth fold is a tribute to womanhood, for it has been through their faith, love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great have been molded. The tenth fold is a tribute to father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for the defense of our country since he or she was first born. The eleventh fold, in the eyes of Hebrew citizens, represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies, in their eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. The twelfth fold, in the eyes of a Christian citizen, represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in their eyes, God the Father, the Son and Holy Ghost. When the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost, reminding us of our national motto, "In God We Trust." After the flag is completely folded and tucked in, it takes on the appearance of a cocked hat, ever reminding us of the soldiers who served under General George Washington and the sailors and marines who served under Captain John Paul Jones who were followed by their comrades and shipmates in the Armed Forces of the United States, preserving for us the rights, privileges, and freedoms we enjoy today.
I spent all weekend painting rooms in my house. I woke up this morning and could barely move. My hands were frozen in a backwards C shape and could only be used as some type of holder. My body feels like I was tossed out of a pick up truck going 100mph. I hate any type of paint, painting, brushes, rollers, walls. I could just barely tolerate my wife's nagging prior to this happening and now it feels like she is in my head screaming. Please stop............
Friday, November 11, 2005
I found out that my liver enzymes were elevated 3 years prior to becoming sober. I told myself I was going to cut back, and after the first 6 pack then 12 pack, the cutting back turned from today to tomorrow, than next week. I then became convinced that I was going to die, so I might as well enjoy myself by drinking. I was dying alright, that is dying inside. The good thing is the liver may heal and maybe I will to.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery: 1)We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. 2)Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3)Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 4) 4) 4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)4)...
You'll have purchases to make for your children or your house, and money will come to you at just the right moment. If there are problems that put you in opposition to your beloved one, you'll be in a position to solve them. You'll enjoy good health, what luck! Don't take any medicine that isn't prescribed to you by your doctor. All will go well if you let yourself be carried away by the waves and seize the good opportunities that are presented to you, but don't ask yourself too many questions.
SEOUL, South Korea - North Korea's communist government is urging women in the country to wear traditional Korean clothes instead of pants, according to a North Korean monthly magazine. "Keeping alive our dress style is a very important political issue to adhere to specific national cultural traditions at a time when the U.S. imperialists are maneuvering to spread the rotten bourgeois lifestyle inside North Korea," the Joson Yeosung (Woman) magazine said, according to South Korea's Yonhap news agency. The magazine said exotic dress dampens the revolutionary atmosphere in society and blurs national sentiment and asked the public to reject clothes that aren't North Korean style. Instead, it counsels women to wear Hanbok — the brightly colored, loose-fitting dresses that are traditional in the Koreas.The campaign comes as North Korea struggles to tighten its control over an influx of outside influences, which it claims is part of a U.S. psychological offensive aimed at toppling the communist regime — a charge Washington denies. Early this year, the North also launched a social campaign against men with long hair, calling them unhygienic, anti-socialist fools. The North, which demands unquestioning allegiance of its citizens and controls all media, has stepped up the ideological education of its people to counter outside influences. However, the country's loosely controlled border with China has led recently to increased traffic in smuggled recordings of music and videos from the outside.
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
I had a bad business meeting today. My client who I was suppose to meet with had a business emergency to attend. So he passed me to a guy who was just not willing to give me the info I needed. So, I cut the meeting short and thanked him. He then told me he had his own business emergencies to attend and seemed happy that we were done. I called my boss and he was spiting fire. Then the 5,000 questions began the interrogation. I felt as if I was a failure. How could a midget throw so many blows. Fuck him. He changed our insurance to $1000.00 deductible per person, that's $5,000.00. He is 90 days late on reimbursing my expenses totaling $7,000.00. So, I told him I took $10,000.00 out of my retirement to cover the bills and all the little bastard could say was "you got to do what you got to do". I don't get him at all.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Bush: "We do not torture" 40 minutes ago PANAMA CITY (Reuters) - U.S. President George W. Bush said on Monday "we do not torture" and defended his administration's efforts to stop the U.S. Congress from imposing rules on the handling of terrorism suspects.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
The prognosis of the bunny is not good. The hind leg is possibly infected in the joint. The bunny is at the vet, they called us today and said it would be an additional $400.00 with medication to due the blood test need to confirm the bunny's fate. If the infection is bad the back leg will be amputated at an additional cost. I told the vet look we have done everything financial we could, we have already paid $300.00 in medical costs for this bunny. In addition we only had the bunny three days prior to all this shit happening. This vet does all the work for the pet store and is probably the top veterinarian in SoCAl. I asked what are the options and she told me the pet store told her that they would be willing to give me a new bunny and they would take care of the current bunny. After my whole family cried on the decision I told her to give the bunny back to the pet store. The hell with getting a new bunny.
Saturday, November 05, 2005
A whole lifetime geared to self-centeredness cannot be set in reverse all at once. Rebellion dogs our every step at first. When we have finally admitted without reservation that we are powerless over alcohol, we are apt to breathe a sigh of relief, saying, "Well, thank God that's over! I'll never have to go through that again!" Then we learn, often to our consternation, that this is only the first milestone on the new road we are walking. Reprinted from Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Page 73, with permission of A.A. World Services, Inc.
dry drunk n. a sober person who behaves as if drunk, esp. a recovering alcoholic who displays bad judgment; such behavior. I hate the term DRY Drunk it sounds so awful. This is a fear I have becoming in sobriety. I know if I work the steps, go to meetings and remain honest I will not become a dry drunk. I spent most of my life being miserable and there is no way I am going to be miserable in sobriety.
Friday, November 04, 2005
I try to read this step everyday if possible. It always takes me back to when I hit my bottom and lost complete control of my life. The alcohol didn't work for me regardless of how much I drank. I had been drinking everyday just to survive and finally my hands would not stop shaking. The alcohol no longer was working for the pain and fear I felt inside. I was begging God to take my life and at the same time pleading for him to help me. My life had become unmanageable and for the first I had a willingness to stop drinking. I entered a rehab center and spent 5 days in detox and an additional 28 1/2 days in their program. They introduced me to AA and it was there that I learned of the steps. I completed step 1 in rehab and again with my sponsor after I got out.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
1) I am thankful I'm not alone. 2) My boys love me now and don't try to distance themselves from me. 3) They laugh now instead of cry or withdraw. 4) I am sober today. 5) I have a god in my life most of the time. 6) I half a roof over my families head and food on the table. 7) I have a Job. 8) I am not dead. 9) My kids aren't on the streets. 10) my wife gave me a second chance. 11) God Gave me a second chance. 12) I feel like my memory and cerebral activity is regenerating. 13) I am thankful for AA.
“The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The drunk says, 'Are you gonna drink that'?" Robert G. eschewing the philosophical for the practical. “You’re paying off like the world’s worst slot machine.” Rick E. watching his friend regurgitate expensive scotch outside the Whiskey Bar. “You have abused the right to say something stupid.” Tom B. in Orlando after getting his fill of his barstool neighbor. “I tried drinking myself to death. Now I have to get my health back just so I’ll have the strength to jump in front of a bus.” Tracy M. switches mortal gears in Manhattan, KS. “The damn wagon’s too crowded anyway.” Anonymous drunk about to take a fall in front of the Lions Lair Lounge. “The drinking will continue until you show a dramatic improvement in attitude.” Sandy T., 28, addressing her “uppity” liver at the Cockpit Lounge. “Everybody gets fucked over by the world sooner or later. It just happened to you a little sooner than you probably expected.” Bonnie B. comforting a heartbroken friend at the Squire Lounge.
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Thanks! I had a whirl wind yesterday and today that about knocked me off my feet. As I was driving home tonight I had a taste of whiskey in my mouth, but it was all in my head. I was so deep in my head I was thinking about alcohol and how bad everything was, that I was in very dangerous territory. This is a place I haven't been but just a few times in 1 1/2 years of sobriety. However the urge to drink was much greater this time. As I kept driving I grasped the steering wheel as tight as I could as if to hold on. I called my sponsor who wasn't home but I knew it wouldn't be long before he would call me back. I called another person who made me fill a little better. When I got to my office I felt like curling up on the floor and I didn't want to go home. My sponsor called and made me feel like I wasn't alone and reminded me of what it was like a year and a half ago and where I am today. The gratitude part I didn't want to hear but I listened. He told me to go home, for today is only a day and right now I was sober. A drink would solve my problems for a second and all I have built back in a year and half would lay in ruins. I have realized I can't make it sober alone. I am home now and I will go to sleep early and pray.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
I went to dinner tonight with my wife and our company's east coast VP. We ate at a nice Italian restaurant and both of them discussing what type of wine to order. After my day, a nice big glass of wine sounded like a good idea. They talked about a bottle I felt like that was a good start, but then they decided on just a glass. I just couldn't understand that for some reason. A glass of wine seems like just not enough, either did just one bottle. The obsession for alcohol is alive and well inside me. I am an alcoholic.
I have one of the VP's from the east coast coming today for a business meeting. I am going to try my best not to fuck with him. He wants to stay at our house tonight, which has caused arguments with my wife and I. I have known him for 20 years and to tell him to get a hotel room would probably make him cry. So, I cleaned up the house last night since he is my guest. My wife seemed happy last night after she saw that I cleaned the house. One less thing for me to be stress out about today.