Monday, October 31, 2005


This the one of the promises that AA talks about; I get to be with my kids on Halloween Sober.

Rat Monster

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Sunday, October 30, 2005

Bad Mood

Minnie, must have been a bitch that day when it came to getting your photograph with her.


Well, I painted all weekend for my wife and I guess for me. I am very tired and worn and my body seems to let me know that a lot more now that I am not 20. I went to the meeting tonight and shared. What I shared about was not a lot, because I was exhausted. I am going to bed because I am getting tired just typing......

Friday, October 28, 2005

Heliport Alert

There is a possible terrorist lurking around your heliport.


I guess I just have been in a shitty negative mood lately. I think it has something to do with a lack of meetings. When I go to at least three meetings a week I feel a lot better. For the last couple weeks I have been attending two meetings a week. I have commitments in and outside the program, which keep my time well occupied. On top of it I have my kids who use to not want to come near me and now I can't get rid of them. My wife and I have been getting along better but we still need work to harder. I was thinking about going down on early Saturday mornings to talk with people in detox at the rehab center I went to. I was asked by one of the head counselors to do this a couple months ago, but I had another personal commitment at the time. I feel more grounded and confident in my program , enough so that I can start carrying the message more in my life. It wasn't long ago I had absolutely no trust in AA. When I was 12 years old my Dad went and picked up his year chip, I made a drink for him for the ride. We celebrated at the Playboy Club where he was drunk on the dance floor french kissing another woman while I watched with my mom and brother and sisters. As the years passed the same pattern continued, so therefore to me AA was a social club. He still drinks, but doesn't pick up chips.

Thursday, October 27, 2005


Reflecting on what had happen in my first year of sobriety makes me feel like there is no way I could go through it again. The world was a strange place when I got sober. My fears would follow me with each step I took and would pounce on me at any second. Everything I would do felt un-natural even in the simplest task. Basically the new skin was cutting off my ability to breathe. I remembered one thing from rehab, you have to give sobriety the same energy and effort you did for your addiction. I struggled to do this on a daily basis but as the time passed it became a little easier and my new skin felt a little more worn and I was able to breath. The places now where I walk could become unstable, but as long as I attend meetings on a regular basis, call another alcoholic, finish the steps and pray to God, the odds that I don't pick up a drink are good. I will take those odds.

Step Study

I went to step study tonight and I was looking forward to it, because I thought we were on step one. I even told my sponsor who seemed to want to go, because it was step one. Then as we started, I realized we were on the 2nd half step 12. I felt pissed off and began to fill up with resentments. It was only until I started to hear what other's were reading and began start seeing the parallels in my life that then the anger left. As the reading continued my whole day began to unravel. Earlier today my wife told me this morning that she is sick of having four boys around and my sponsor said I have been doing really doing good job in my program. I am an alcoholic and the only place for me is at a meeting.

Sex Education For My Son

So I need to tell you about sex, ok. In this picture the lighter area is the opening of of a girl's vagina the darker area is the girl's cave where she hides the eggs. The white tadpole comes out of your penis. If the white tadpole swims to the darker area and finds an egg your fucked and so is she. If you stick your penis in a girl's vagina prior to turning 20 years, your mother will cut your penis off.

Naked Thursday

I was on the red bike and a differnt street.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Big Moma

Big Moma AgainI think I am going to get back into hunting birds and maybe use my dog to fetch.

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Damn Bunny

We got a $150.00 dwarf bunny for my son's birthday on Sunday. Two days later my wife notices while the bunny is hopping around that it is not putting one of it's hind legs down. She takes it to the vet and they tell her the bunny needs an $150.00 x-ray. She called the Pet store and the store manager said the only thing that he could do is replace the bunny with another, however we would have to wait a week till more came in. My wife called me panicking and she explained the whole thing, I was thinking of rabbit stew. However we agreed to the Vet it was, and 2 hours later $150.00 xray $200.00 shots and medication ( no broken leg just inflamed). Everyone is happy now except for me because that ass hole rabbit just cost me $500.00.

The Buffalo Theory

"Well you see, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers...."

News, What News

George Clooney says he considered killing himself because the pain from a movie injury was so great. I will give you some fucking pain you baby! I hate actors. Boss threatens DNA tests over gum what a dick. I thought my boss was bad, I will take some gratitude on that one. Chimp "Dinner Conversation" Proof of Ape Speech? Oh so thats what George W. Bush was saying.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

My BeastThis is my bitch...

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so•ber Pronunciation: (sō'bur), [key] —adj., -er, -est,—v. —adj. 1. not intoxicated or drunk. 2. habitually temperate, esp. in the use of liquor. 3. quiet or sedate in demeanor, as persons. 4. marked by seriousness, gravity, solemnity, etc., as of demeanor, speech, etc.: a sober occasion. 5. subdued in tone, as color; 6. free from excess, extravagance, or exaggeration: sober facts. 7. showing self-control: sober restraint. 8. sane or rational: a sober solution to the problem Being Sober Doesn't Just Mean Not Drinking

Field Sobriety


Monday, October 24, 2005

Just Keep Playing

Bush needs to play follow the monkey with Chenney right out of the Whitehouse.

Insurgents of A Different Breed

Iraq now is having problems with a different type of insurgent one driven by capitialism and greed. The armed clowns have taken up key retail sites in Baghdad. They have been seen removing long term tenants and street vendors by gunpoint. One Bagdad resident Khalil Dulaimi, was shouting "Who is worse Saddam or Ronald."


"What is SOS? SOS takes a self-empowerment approach to recovery and maintains that sobriety is a separate issue from all else. SOS addresses sobriety (abstinence) as “Priority One, no matter what!” SOS credits the individual for achieving and maintaining his or her own sobriety. SOS respects recovery in any form, regardless of the path by which it is achieved. It is not opposed to or in competition with any other recovery programs. SOS supports healthy skepticism and encourages the use of the scientific method to understand alcoholism." This is basically the method I having been using and I still feel like shit. For me the only answers lie in my higher power God and the 12 of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have been working on my fourth step and I am not yet finished. SOS my ass.....

What the Hell

For some reason this guy seems to be running a better recovery program than me. His relationship rebuilding skills with his wife are un-matched. Unfortunately, I would be the one pulling the cart in our relationship. Better yet this looks like an Amish Alcoholic heading to the liquour store.

Sunday, October 23, 2005


It is my son's birthday today and he is nine. He wanted a dwarf rabbit and of course I said no. However I lost the family vote of 4 to 1 and my wife picked it out last week. They picked it up this morning and it is cute for a rat with long ears and a stub tail. I am sure that the rabbit will begin to bond with me in some way. I just know its a matter of time before my lab gets the rabbit. So now my head was to start preparing for what will be a traumatic event. I use to drink over things like this, however today with the strength of god and the program of AA I don't need to pick up that drink. I called to order the cake and decided I was going to change the color of the circle and triangle logo. The circled filled in blue and the triangle filled in green. That is probably going to look strange, but were are all pretty much strange characters. I went to the meeting early to drop off the cake. I saw two guys there and I told them I was going to a movie with my family, because my son asked me. He asked me last year, but I only had 5 months of sobriety and a meeting sounded better. I always wasn't there for him in the past and today I was.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Kids are Killing Me

I have cleaned the toilet seat about 12 times today. What the hell is wrong with all the kids aim. I guess the damn doctors in this area do not know how to perform a centered circumcision. These kids are non-stop sugar mongrels. It is going to be a late night and the last of the sleep overs. There are 5 kids left and its getting late, please get home sick. I use to pee on a lot of seats when I was drinking or should I say a lot of floors. However, I at least had the decency to wipe the seat off.

Tro Virus + Birthday

I had to battle a virus on my laptop. A friend sent me a file to down load and blam the battle was on. I won in the end or did I? My oldest son's birthday party is still going on because it includes a sleep over, for three of the his friends. What the hell was my wife thinking. I have an idea to tell a ghost story to them that is so scary that they will all start crying and want to go home.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Family Trip

My mom, brother and three sisters haven't seen me or my family in almost two years. They are hounding me to come, so they can see Mr. Happy joyous and free and family. Fuck the joyous part. The sad thing is my kids don't really know their cousins on my side. I guess I am to blame, I am not ready to face my father. I really have no desire to see a man who calls himself my father because in my heart my father died a long time ago. I have made a promise to myself when he dies I will spit in his grave. He still drinks however his son is sober and his grandchildren see a sober father now. The chain under these circumstances should be broken. However I feel it has not.

12th Step

No, I am not currently on this step, I was at step study tonight and this is the one we are on. I have been feeling like I haven't progressing the way some people have in the program. I don't have an armada of sponcee's like other people. I was feeling like shit while we were taking turns reading. I was thinking "what is your service back to the program you self centered bastard your not sponsoring anyone". Then came the magical words "For some there is other types of 12 step work like the commitments" ok that's me but why don't I feel better. Made its in my head, but sometimes it feels as though I am trying to climb a corporate ladder.

Wilma is an ASSHOLE

All my redneck family members who live near the Florida Swamps are fucked. Words of advice; Tie your asses tight to the pine trees.

Nakad Thursday

Yikes... I hope you have had breakfast...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Bubble Boy

I don't know if I would every get tired of dragging little George around bubble land. I am sure a lot of military moms would feel the same.

Memory What Memory

Thanks for the step pep talk however having a memory like mine I forgot. Maybe I have already finished the 4th step but some how have forgotten. I doubt it. I have heard people say you feel so much better after the 4th step. Sometimes I really don't believe that it could be so easy. Bottomline is I'm not ready to put down the 2 by 4. Again thanks!

Tuesday, October 18, 2005


This photo resembled my day (I am kicking my boss, as my three boys are buzzing my head). My boss proves again that he is the biggest asshole and my kids are driving me insane. Nobody seems to be listening to me. Today I felt like drinking and getting away from it all. I surely would destroy what has taken me a 1 1/2 years to rebuild. The destruction would be evident in just one day, one hour, one minute. I prayed to god to help me stay sober today.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Higher Power

"What is this but a miracle of healing? Yet its element are simple. Circumstances made him willing to believe. He humbly offered himself to his maker-then he knew" Big Book. Since the Dale ego class is over my sponsor believes it is necessary for my Monday night to be filled. I am back at a bible class with my sponsor. I had been going with him per his direction. I really didn't like it at all because I had taken a religion classes from grade school thru college. I was taught by Jesuits, had 3 years of Latin, and read the bible cover to cover. Still I went as directed. The good thing about going is that I hear the word GOD and not my name. The preachers views, I can disagree with and that's ok. The bible has been rewritten multiple times through the years so that we might understand the words used. Therefore interpreting is left to ones own perception. THE ARAMAIC PRAYER OF JESUS (The Lord's Prayer) ~ as translated from the Aramaic by Saadi Neil Douglas-Klotz of the Sufi Order of the West ~ O, Birther of the Cosmos, focus your light within us -- make it useful Create your reign of unity now Your one desire then acts with ours, As in all light, So in all forms, Grant us what we need each day in bread and insight: Loose the cords of mistakes binding us, As we release the strands we hold of other's guilt. Don't let surface things delude us, But free us from what holds us back. From you is born all ruling will, The power and the life to do, The song that beautifies all, From age to age it renews. I affirm this with my whole being.

I Hate The Rain

The rain with out lighting is depressing. I feel like leaving my office early and going home. The weather feels like fall. I need to call my firewood guy. I lent him a thousand dollars 1 1/2 years ago and he paid it back late. Maybe he will let me make payments, since my wife used all our money for the month on a personal trainer at the gym.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Sunday Night Meeting

After hearing a few who spoke I felt like killing them. I may have a problem with staying on my side street that I admit. It becomes a problem to me because I own the fuck’in development. So basically you street is now mine and so forth. I also wonder what the changes would have been if I was still drinking. Would I be ahead in my job still drinking? The answer would be yes because my job is to entertain. That means taking some people out and get them drunk, take them to a strip bar and try to get the client to fuck a whore. Then you have them by their ball. Meet the family the wife and you seal the deal on contracts from then on. Something I need to think about. I am trying to do it the spiritual way but I keep coming up an angel short. Now that Dale class is over, I am going back to the Monday night bible study with my sponsor and banjo bob begrudgingly. I just keep my mouth shut and do what I am told. I think I have been killing my brain cells by keeping my mouth shut. Maybe I should let the real me show for a while.

Big Biker / Great Soccer

My son and I saw this biker on the way to his soccer game. Wow he has got to be Guinness material. The guy literally could have got off his motorcycle and flip my SUV over on its side. We were laughing not at him, but of how scared we were of him. When we pulled along side of him my son ducked down in the back seat. My son scored two goals today and played the best he has ever played. It must be because I practice with him. Nah

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Movie Night

My wife and I saw a movie tonight A History of Violence. It was pretty good not the four stars it was rated. We had dinner prior to the movie at a New Mexican restaurant it had one of the best mariachi bands I have ever heard. They sounded like professionals not your typical street peddlers. The manager introduced Himself; he looked as though he could have been an architect from Mexico City. He had white shoulder length hair well groomed and well dressed. My wife and I sat and talked about the kids. There seems still not much for us to talk about. We need to spend time together but it seems we just can't find the time. We also for the first time I can recall not having that much in common anymore. I don't now if it’s that I have changed since 1 1/2 years, or her from the last 6 years. We are trying and hopefully something will break for us. If we stay together if not for us then at least for the boys.

Movie Night

My wife and I saw a movie tonight A History of Violence. It was pretty good not the four stars it was rated. We had dinner prior to the movie at a New Mexican restaurant it had one of the best mariachi bands I have ever heard. They sounded like professionals not your typical street peddlers. The manager introduced Himself; he looked as though he could have been an architect from Mexico City. He had white shoulder length hair well groomed and well dressed. My wife and I sat and talked about the kids. There seems still not much for us to talk about. We need to spend time together but it seems we just can't find the time. We also for the first time I can recall not having that much in common anymore. I don't now if it’s that I have changed since 1 1/2 years, or her from the last 6 years. We are trying and hopefully something will break for us. If we stay together if not for us then at least for the boys.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Double Addiction in One

This is just what someone needs who drinks in a non-smoking establishment Nicotine Beer. What next do we have to do as a society to keep people addicted.

4th Step

I am back working on my fourth step and even set a deadline of next Friday. I finally have enough time to be able to work on it, since the Carnegie ego class is over. I have spent a large amount of time throwing all my emotional energy to each task and by the end of each task I am emotionally drained. The character defects are becoming a problem with my wife, kids and my job. I am not staying on my side of the street and the resentments are growing. Just like me to wait to take a personal/moral inventory. I plan to go to the 1st place I went after getting out of rehab. Its up on a small mountain and you can see the ocean. It’s an abbey with monks that walk the grounds most from different countries. I enjoy walking the 2 mile Stations of the Cross path it has steep cliffs and strong ocean breezes. It’s a place where no one is around except for my god. The masses are in Latin and instead of singing the monks chant. I took 2 years of Latin in high school and remember enough to get me by. I feel good after writing this and I think I will put some pen to paper.

Thursday, October 13, 2005


The feeling of being alone started early in my life and became more prevalent as I grew up with an alcoholic father. The emptyness followed me into the early teens when I felt that I was a lot different than other people. I was unhappy and scared with the life given to me. I always hoped that some alien beings would take me away from the loneliness and pain. They would take me to a place where I deserved to be, a place where I would be happy. The alien I found was not a green man but from a green bottle. The pain was gone and the person hidden so long inside emerged. They were fun years. The fun ended when all the feelings returned and there was no hope for me because it was in control. One day I needed the green bottle because my hands were shaking so badly and this time it didn't work and I couldn't take a sip. I asked a god to take my life and instead he gave me life and sent me to rehab. I have a good life now the fear and loneliness are manageable. The only aliens I know now are in my head.

Naked Thursday

I wonder if anyone can find me in this picture.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I have been having weird nightmares lately about people who have died in my life. They are hanging around me if to say something, but they never do. It's like someone that comes up to you and says nah and turns around and walks away. I hope this isn't some strange death message. The good thing is that their not trying to give me a bottle of Crown Royal, because I would be joining them soon. Maybe it’s because I am just not working the program as well as I should be or just that I need to go to a couple more meetings a week. What ever the reason god knows that they weren't even close to the ones I had in detox. The detoxing off of alcohol was bad but the barbituates (pills) detox about killed me 3 weeks later. Everything is better than a year and half ago and I am sober.

This Guy Needs a AA meeting

Tonights meeting is coming up so, SAVE A SEAT for this guy. My oldest son hurt his arm yesterday, but wasn't acting like it was bad. Today at school he was really complaining so we took him to the pediatrician and got an X-ray now we are waiting to see if its broken. If it is broken, that will mean one of us has a long night ahead because we will have to take him to Children's Hospital. I got into a fight with my wife who's yelling voice seems to really get under my skin when I am sick. So like an alcoholic I began to push with her buttons until she was really mad. I then gave up the fight and apologized. Finally she is normal again and I still have not learned to keep my mouth shut.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Dog to the Vet

"A cat attacked George W, after he proposed closing FEMA run shelters for displaced animals from Hurricane Katrina". I took our Lab to the Vet tonight because of a bad rash around her neck. She gets it every year because of the Santa Anna winds. The new vet loved her and said she was a happy dog. That made me feel good because when I was drinking she was always scared of me. My lab ended up with a couple shots and some pills she needs to take for 2 weeks. I think she cares for me more than anyone else in my family.

Sick Day

I received an unexpected virus that is whipping my ass today. I had to call a client today to reschedule our meeting. This makes me uncomfortable, because that's what I use to do on a regular basis. My wife would call in sick for me a least a couple times a week. The kids made a great excuse for me too. I blamed them all the time. My company thought there was something wrong with my immune system. I became a running joke at the office, because I was always sick. I changed tactics and made up clients or jobsites that I was at. I sure knew how to protect my drinking. I don't have to do all that today. I can take care of myself with rest and fluids and a cup of soup and saltine crackers. I am sober today because of god and alcoholics anonymous.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Last Night of the Dale Class

Well I screwed this up, my last few brain cells decided to stop comunication. I tried to memorize a 7 minute presentation, what a mistake. On top of it all I was finally struck with the Virus that has plagued my boys. This is the first time I have really felt sick since I have been sober. Bottom line is that I should have been better prepared. I have a problem working a program that tells me a big ego is bad and at the same time taking a class that promotes a big ego. I am just trying as hard as I can to build up the relationship that I damaged from drinking. I don't need to have a large ego because for someone like me it's dangerous. I am thankful I didn't drink over it.

Last Night Meeting

I made a complete ass out of myself last night at the meeting. I got up to speak and there was nothing coming to my head. I spoke of bullshit like I hated the Dale class and I went to my kids soccer game bla bla bla. Nothing of the program and I sound like a fearful child or worse yet a mindless airhead. Its the result of everyone talking about their fathers and how wonderful the relationship is now. Not me

Saturday, October 08, 2005


George was delayed in going down to New Orleans. What is the deal with presidential blow jobs? George upped Clinton by taking it in the ass! Some friends of mine just got back from Biloxi and sound like hell. They were roofing and framing homes in a complete effort to rebuild. They said FEMA is really trying hard despite the media's lack of reporting the truth. How do you prepare for something this massive? I really don't think you can.  Half the time they were removing mud and raw sewage. The smell they said was just nauseating like nothing they have ever smelled before. All of them are sick with a respiratory problems. They are going to the doctor today. They said it was from black mold a result of water/raw sewage sitting in the homes they were working on. They all said they are going back in a month. All of them sound like different people from when they left. They said a word I know all to well gratitude.    

Friday, October 07, 2005


My control over life is just imaginary. The true absolute control of life is held by god. I need to remember this on a daily basis. This also works when I have given someone control over me. I tell myself its just imaginary which deflates alot of the power I had given them. I find myself taking things back from god because I truly had not finshed. The world is a better place with out me in control that for damn sure. We had our neighbors over for dinner tonight. Everyone was drinking except for me. The more I am around drinking the less fear and comfort level I have. So tonight was a wine and beer night, which really didnt effect me.This first time I have allowed any type of beer in my house. I am convinced that normal drinkers dont know how to drink. I am going to bed I tired.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

LA sucks

This for your Naked thursday. Some yoko freak sent me this. I'm not sure what I am suppose to get from it. Downtown LA today was a nightmare everywhere. There was even this big black guy in the middle of traffic walking around with no shirt on. He was the size of any 2 offensive tackles in the NFL. He had a belt buckle on the size of my head. Everyone including myself were terrified. After about 5 minutes he jumped over the embankment and disapeared. Was this a sign from Bill W.? Maybe this is his way of telling me that I need to finish my fourth step.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

my Boss is a asshole

The little man, known as my boss is the biggest asshole on earth. He sounds so much like my exdad it makes me violently sick. He has been running my ass down on things like building databases, hiring people etc. I hope I can hold on to my sanity and sobriety.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Home Group

I talked today with people from my homegroup. I guess some of the people knew I needed to talk. I needed to know that there were other people like me and its easy to lose sight of that. I sometimes feel that between writing how I feel down here and reading blogs and calling from my phone lists other alcoholics I can make it through what ever life deals me. I guess you need to find a way that works which includes God, working the steps and going to a meeting. My life was almost in balance today, which was a result of being sober.

Monday, October 03, 2005

The Dale class

Again I went to the Dale Carnegie class with a open mind. Again I won the stupid pen. That seems to be the award that everyone wants to win. I have won 2 pens and the Lincolns wife book. Dale was obsessed with Abraham's life. I felt pretty good that I was there and even encouraged others on our upcoming presentation contest. I still feel somehow lost and alone. I guess this is just one of those up and down times of recovery. I just hope this down time doen't last to much longer. I am still sober today, that's the miracle.

Mental Damage

I am trying to figure out how much mental damage I have done to my brain cells. My will to be aggresive in business has diminished. My memory has come back but not to a satisfactory level. How did I do it while drinking? I know I had to be doing somthing right because my sales were up. The other thing could be I started the down fall while drinking and now I am paying for it. These are questions. I ask others in the program and I get the same answer your right where your supose to bé and look how far you have come. I wonder if this is my lack of gratitude or my meager effort to find myself.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Sunday Night

I went to the meeting tonight and I felt anger. There was a guy who was taking a cake for 13 years he was with his father who gave him the token. The guy got sober early in life and his father was probably the reason why. I have not spoke to my father since being sober. He is still drinking and even if he stopped I wouldn't speak to him. I am the only one of 5 kids that doesn't talk to him. However I have my reasons. I am the second oldest and the first boy. I looked in the mirror one day and saw that I had become my father a man I hated and swore that I would never be like.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

My Disease

The Evolution of My Disease Called Alcoholism

Alphamessed up

Is this the alphabet that our kids will be teaching their kids in the future? Some people think so in California. I wouldn't be surprised if it was sooner, maybe be at the next school board meeting.