half me

I am down in the dumps today and I am not sure why. Well I think I know why its this project from last year 07 that I keep wanting to carry. I need to give it to god like the blue book says. Why is the book blue? Does anyone know the answer to that? AA trivia.

my mouth

Damn, I have to watch my mouth at work. I told another girl in the office that my assistant was a lazy ass and how I wished she (the other girl) was my assistant. Well that got back to my assistant and all hell broke loose. Hell it was the truth however my assistant felt bad. I apologized and blamed my words on the pressure I am under. I am not a good liar and I think she knows that, but whatever. I am damn sure not going to drink over her lazy ass.

life is ok

I went to a phy dude for my middle son, It seems my wife and I are not on the same page. Which really sucks because now we have manipulative kids that get away with every thing. We know have to work harder to hold up the punishment all the way trough the punishment cycle. It was fun and I need to start to improve as a father and a husband..

search

Wow trying to find the right assistant has it's problems. First off 70% of the applicants had 4 or more typo's. What the hell is that, what were these people thinking, spell check? Anyways I have it down to 6 and the interviews start on Monday and end on Tuesday. By then I shall have a assistant. I hope they make my life a little easier because I am feeling a little lost. Football, baseball and soccer games for the boys all day today. However we have the rain factor out there today, so please god let it rain.

meeting

I went to my meeting tonight and I felt a little older and wiser. We had a lot of new comers and I felt lucky that I had a few years under my belt. I remember those early sobriety days and what it took for me just not drink for a day. I had the fog in my head well past a year. I hated that feeling of not making sense in what I had to say. It was hard for me and I don't want to have to do it all again. It took a lot out me emotionally as phyically. I feel I just don't have another sober in me today.

 

sobriety,addiction

exit

This is a shitty deal, why do have I have to live with constant doom of the next drink? It seems to follow me around everywhere. I know when I crossed that line, however I just couldn't cut down on my drinking. It's was after that point it began to take over my life and now it waits for me to make one mistake. Step 1.

I am trying to prepare for this new deal early next week and I just need more guidance from god. I fear change when actually I should fear not changing.

the survivors

What happens to the survivors left behind after an alcoholic has his last drink or an addict his last fix? They move on as best they can and others help raise their kids. While the alcoholic looks down wishing for another chance that won't happen.

I got a call today from a friend, her husband died from drinking about a couple of months ago. She told me that her boys wanted me to teach them how to throw a baseball and wanted to go to the baseball fields with me and my boys. I told her I would be happy to take them starting tomorrow. Her husband never taught them, however it was on his list. I am so sad for her boys.

cool

Man this heat wave has been brutal. The deal is anyone living near the coast probably doesn't have a/c. Temperatures climbed a little to high for no a/c, it felt as though I was in hell. I am an alcoholic so I know what hell is like.

The job offer is back on my plate again and I am beginning to feel like I am playing a ping pong match. I have prayed and I will leave it in the big guys hands for now. Also I am coaching my sons winter baseball team, well assistant coach. It is a start for me.

life on life

wow life feels crazy as hell for me. the three boys are making me feel like a circus act intead of a father. I just am trying my best to stay focused on being the best dad I can be.. I wish things would slow down just a nano minute.

change

When I was in rehab there was a large american indian who taught me the way to a sober life. He told me one day that when you see a young rabbit it's a sign that you need more patience. The next morning I saw three, so I have been working on it since.

I met for lunch today the person who I would manage at my new job. She was nice, and your typical california hippy. I would be able to work with her so that is a good thing. They are suppose to make an offer next week.

san onfre

This is the best surf spot in southern california. It is also home to san onfre nuke power plant, the dolly parton's of socal. I was driving through there once and it was raining clouds of ash. I wonder if I am glowing.. Wow that is why I drive fast through there..

I am feeling better after the million dollar man kicked me in the balls and then ran away. I will have more opportunities to get million dollar projects as long as I am sober.

my progress

Maybe I could also track my sobriety on this beta. No I have god doing that for me. We are all looking for progress... The beta is pretty cool. link

soccer sober

Another hot day in socal and the kids were feeling the heat. My son's team won 6 to 1 and so far they are undefeated. My boy is playing the closest to side where I am filming. I don't know to much about soccer, so I don't know the positions. Shit that sounds bad..

hot chick

I remember these days so well. You have your drugs and liquor and a hot date. All in that order. I thought I was cool because that is what alcohol and drugs did for me. Until one day it became all of me.

My oldest son is playing the sick role at football practice. I can't take it any more. He has the talent but not the drive inside of him. He wants the glory with half the work. He has quit several sports, because he grows tired of the work it takes. My wife and I had a fight because she says he has a lack of esteem however I think he is just lazy and spoiled.

cheap labor

I used cheap labor to do some tile work at my house. The job they did sucked and I had to rip some of the tile out and all of the base boards. I was so pissed off I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I ended up going outside and played catch with my younger son. After I calmed down, I went up stairs, paid them and told them to leave. I have been redoing their work all day and I am exhausted. I have to paint the base boards tonight.

A guy in our home group had a call I never want to take. The highway patrol called him to say that his teenage daughter died in a car crash. She was not wearing her seat belt and was thrown from the car. Also they are going to do a toxicology test. She was driving the car.

home

I am stuck at the dallas airport waiting for my already delayed flight. This sucks because I hate airports. I use to drink all the time while waiting for the flights. My drink of choice at the airport was a double gin and tonic. I use to drink them so fast the bartenders use to cut me off. I would just find another airport bar to serve me. I thought I had them really beat.

today I am glad I went to a meeting last night. Every time I go to a meeting I get a coin and when I feel like drinking I use them up. Today I have enough coins to be a ok during days like this.

disappointment

My son hasn't been trying at baseball since his string of strikeouts. I don't know if disappointment is the right word, because I don't want him to fail or feel like a failure. He is making excuses to stay on the bench like his stomach hurts. Part of me feels like yelling at him and getting in his face. However this is how my father acted with the addition of punching me. The other half wants to comfort him and protect him. I would have kicked any parents ass tonight that my any comment about my son. My first reaction is to fight anyone around me, when I feel like I did tonight. Wow, that is how I use to act when I was drinking by always looking for a fight. The difference today is the anger goes away a lot quicker.