I am geting a little nervious about my boss coming...

I am getting a little nervous about my boss coming out. He has already started, he is staying in La Jolla what a pompous ass. I have to pick him up every morning and I am north of his hotel by 30 mins. Well I am going to get shit about sales even though I am producing now. I will pray a lot for some peace. I am trying the best I can with every aspect of my life. I have the gratitude, but a little more peace would be nice. I am not going to my main meeting Sunday night because its over at 9:30pm. By the time I get home I am to pumped up to go to bed. I have to pick up my boss and be in LA by 10:00am, plus I need to be on top of my game.  Last time he came out 5 months ago, he got so drunk that he could barely walk. He pasted out in the car on our way to the hotel, so I decided to play a little game with his head and the dashboard. I went down la Cieniega which has a hell of a lot of red lights.

This is the most honest drinking ad I have seen. This is what you will look like after the car crash and your liver fails. When I was in rehab there was a man about this color, he didn't make it and he did not have a family member left that cared.

I am feeling real good for some reason. I went to step study tonight and they were on step 4. I felt out of place because I have yet to clean house. My wife and mother in law cleaned my house. They removed all the alcohol from the exterior as well as the interior. Most of their finds were a result of me divulging where the alcohol could be found from a payphone at the rehab center. I made a promise that after my boss leaves on next Wendesday, I will begin the task of inventory evaluation. Which will be followed by my part in the deal and finally a releasing with sponsor. I already feel good about changing at least for today. I cant get this photo out of my head. This kid was like me when I was his age. The high feels like you have it in the palms of your hands and the next thing you know is your chasing it forever.

I kicked everyones ass at my Dale Carnigie class. My presentation was voted the best by a long shot. I won a stupid pen. However it was a walk in the park for a real alcoholic like me..

My sleeping habit is out of wack and I feel almost hungover. I need to make up some zzzz's tonight. I have some weird deep sleep problem. I get to such a deep sleep that its a type of sleep that's not good. You will feel very tired the next day. This is what I am being told by my doctor. Maybe the problem is that I stay in my head to much. Whatever the case I need some resolution quick. Bottom line is my sleeping habit must change.

I had phone playing with the kids last night. My youngest boy 3 wanted to trade his cell phone (fake) for mine. So I did for a little while and then him wanted to take photos of him making faces. I love my boys and thats a result from being sober and working the program.

Another day sober. I am tired I have been moving my office from the beach to the barrio. However that area at the beach was my drinking ground. My new office is behind a church, maybe I might get some good luck. I sure can use some luck.

The Dale from hell course is what that was like. I felt like I was getting my ass kicked by a bunch of geeks. I swear I must be running off of one cylinder. They give you 10 seconds to come up with a product and 8 seconds to sell it. This is in front of the class. I learned very little most I already knew from the streets. I am just getting my memory back, I have to move my office, my boss is coming out in a couple weeks, and I have to do the 4th step. I am in this for 4 weeks and I already have resentments against everyone tonight. I feel like beating the shit out of them all.

The Dale from hell course is what that was like. I felt like I was getting my ass kicked by a bunch of geeks. I swear I must be running off of one cylinder. They give you 10 seconds to come up with a product and 8 seconds to sell it. This is in front of the class. I learned very little most I already knew from the streets. I am just getting my memory back, I have to move my office, my boss is coming out in a couple weeks, and I have to do the 4th step. I am in this for 4 weeks and I already have resentments against everyone tonight. I feel like beating the shit out of them all.

Last night at the Sunday Night meeting it seemed everyone one who shared talked about step 4. Was this directed at me, I know some of it was. There was over 60 people and you share at a podium in the front of the room. This place makes you honest. However I have to start step 4 tomarrow because my little boss decided something is wrong with me. So I have to go tonight to Dale Carnegie a course that is 8 weeks or so. Its not that I am sober now that I have changed. Maybe since he still drinks and uses... forget it. I some how don't know if I can be a part of a San Diego Dale Carnegie club. I like wearing shorts with Birkenstocks. I am a little scared that I will turn into some annoying clone or they will put a micro chip in my head. They should probably screen new students to see if they are a canadate for the course. What the hell am I thinking I paid over $1,500.00. I would take anyone too.

I am starting on step 4 writing it all down on paper. That is I am going to do it tonight, I have scheduled it in on my calander. I will keep it simple and easy. I looked on the internet, asked people ect all of this was confusing to me and I ended up feeling overwhelmed. I heard people in meetings saying that if they had done a through step 4 they wouldn't have gone out. So, tonight I will keep it simple and try my best.

When you start to lose your inner peace you know it is time for a meeting. It truly amazes how this works. By being around people like myself makes me feel more comfortable. It also makes you feel more grateful for soberity and how your life is not so bad. The problems (fears) are not as large as they appear. I have things after a year that I never thought would happen. I am sober today and my wife and kids finally want me around. Thanks

Work the steps or your cheating yourself. That is what I have been trying to figure out, not the steps but out of what. I really believe I am scared that it won't work. That is why I am on step 4. This has been since I left rehab. We worked step 1-3 in there. I then went over them with my sponsor. Where is the honesty with myself.

I dont know if its just me but I have a resentment against all the alcohol companies. They gave me the tools to fuck up my life. I feel like they are always trying to trick me with their advertising into drinking again and no I am not glamorizing drinking. Now I heard they are offering some treat for the kids in Japan kids beer what....I hope AA is strong in Japan.

I might have to find another Job if I can't get my sales reps asses in gear as well as my national accounts. I fear this will be another tight rope walk. If I fall off I will be drinking and everything will be destroyed. This definitely is a must for an alcoholic/addict that needs to have a sample letters file while job searching. Dear Sir.

I feel better today maybe it was because I cried at step study. We were talking about step 1 and I chose to pick a stick again hit self again for the pain I caused. I think my higher power has not forgave me, which I don't care as much as that I have not forgiven myself. Maybe I will call my mom again and she will tell me how wonderful I am. That really gets old sometimes.

I have to go to step study tonight. I am really burning out on this AA shit. Christ I just want some sleep. The three boys, the wife, the program, and work. When will this all fit into place. God I just want some balance. I need to just stay focused on what I am suppose to do.

Fark You

Iam in a another bad mood that I have somehow got myself into. Maybe its because of a short man that sucks up power from others. This is what I would like to tell my boss.BOSS

All the TV characters that made me comfortable when I was a kid, took the same path that I had chosen. But now I don't have to worry about my kids hero's taking that same path. As long as I don't pick up that first drink.

Man I guess this is what they call depression. I feel like crawling in a hole to hide away. I need to just find some darkness. I hate saying depression because I some how feel as though I am weak, lazy etc. I am just a person who wants to feel good about life. Hell I have been sober for almost a year and a half I should feel young again and full of energy. Instead I feel like a tired old man who barely can take a step with out being winded.

I love this photo. This guy is planning ahead. What the hell am I doing with my work. I feel so weak and tired lately. I don't know what is wrong. My ability to stay focused is just not long enough and the memory has been almost nonexistent. I need to make a doctors appointment.