forgive

My sponsor asked me if I would be ok if my dad died tomorrow. I hope so.. I haven't talked to the man since I have been sober and thats been 2 years and 9 months, but who is counting, right? I have been through a lot growing up and it doesn't matter who has had it worse or better. I don't really give a shit about that, because what matters is what I do with my shit not others. I don't think there is anything left inside of me for compassion, or any desire to open dialog. The truth is that my dad died along time ago inside of me.

Have you been there when the world comes crashing down, when the sun doesn’t shine and everything around you lacks any color. The world becomes a mixture of gray and black and all the beauty around is gone. There is no trees, birds or anything of value except a bottle and a jar of pills. I knew I crossed that line and there was no turning back. I remember this day in my addiction because it was about the time I lost god. My whole life began to spin out of control and it lasted for to many years. I remember coming out of rehab 33 1/2 days later and on the way home I couldn't believe how green the trees were and how the world was full of color. I felt as though someone had kidnapped me and locked me in a basement with no light for years and now I was at last set free.

get rid of amends

I rock

I am starting to jam at my work. I know it is not just me pulling the strings, but it is god. The big guy has been hooking me up and for that I am grateful. I have been in the trenches for 2 1/2 half years getting my ass shot off. I have been praying hard not for money but less stress and today I feel good.

Phoenix

I am so tired of traveling around from city to city. The older I get, The more it takes out of me . I was in and out of Phoenix today visiting plants and working with my reps. This was a nightmare today, because I had such little time to spend with everyone, but I did my best. I was a little wirey this morning, because of my lack of sleep and lack of food. I haven't been eating dinner on a regular basis, or breakfast for that matter. I need to get back on schedule.

watching

I still feel people "friends" are watching me. They all look at my eyes as if they were looking for my old ones, blood shot, yellow and dilated. It is a really weird feeling and makes me uncomfortable. It seems as though they still have little trust in me now that I am sober. I guess this may or may not ever pass. But the last laugh is on them, for today I am sober.

Self

In the beginning I loved myself the more I drank. It made me seem funny and it made me a lot of friends. I felt as one with my true self. Not long after I hated myself. I did everything I could to end my life short of putting a bullet between my ears. I would be in bed shaking with DT's asking god to take my life. Today, I like myself more each day because today I am sober.

life on life'e terms

My wife is having a hard time watching her friend go through what she did during my final days of drinking. I think she has been replaying the last few months of my drinking in her head. Our priest friend came over to talk with my wife and prayed for this girl and her husband.

tarzan

How Tarzan got his yell..

loss

We lost a guy today, who was the program. I mean a guy who lived his life the way the big books says. The same fire that ran his addiction ran his recovery and he kept it simple. He helped me as well as countless others and today he will be missed. He is finally free from this disease with his god.

visitor

The head designer from our company is flying in tonight and I am making him catch a cab from the airport to his hotel. Why? because we are going out with friends to celebrate my wife's birthday. Things like birthdays are more important than trying to make sure a grown man can make it to his hotel. I am sure I will hear about it tomorrow from my boss, but for today that's ok.

hot dogs

There are several ways too present your hot dog and this is not one.

Daytona 500

Today, there is a lot of drunks at the Daytona 500 and my father is one. My redneck brother took this photo today while standing on the turn 2 fence.

out of the hole

For the first couple of years of my sobriety I have in in and and of a mental hole. The mental hole that is a result of drinking everyday for years. I have battling back to get to a competitive edge, the edge I need in my business. Since being sober, I have been working on building my relationship with god, and family, leaving my business on the bottom. That needs to change a little..

wasted

Right when I got home from my trip last night, my wife handed me the baton and she left to go out with her friends. I was tired but I waited up for her anyways. She got home around 1:00 and was wasted. She could hardly stand and she kept taking about shit I couldn't understand. I asked her if she had fun and she said she had a blast.

She is not an alcoholic but a normal person that can drink once in a while. I guess life has a funny way of turning the tables on you, because my wife was the one who stayed up late waiting for me to get home, but that was almost every night. It sucks but that's life

Home

I felt a peace when my plane landed in SD. I have weathered the storm this time, and didn't drink. I went to a meeting last night in Mesa AZ and it's was in a rough area. I am use to these areas because that's where I would find a place after hours to drink or buy drugs. I really needed the meeting last night and today I feel great..

cocktail party

I was at a cocktail party tonight and had to get out after an hour and half. I just can't relate to people after they have had a few. I am not on the same wave link and they know I am not. I think it makes them uncomfortable and that is a problem. The people that I deal with in business are known for their drinking. I really have to pray on this because it seems dangerous for me.

happy valentines day

alcoholics and addicts have the biggest hearts .

body

If you are thinking of getting a tattoo or body piercing check out this website first. click for the link

more women are becoming nuns

Which one of you sober chics are next? click for video