forgive

My sponsor asked me if I would be ok if my dad died tomorrow. I hope so.. I haven't talked to the man since I have been sober and thats been 2 years and 9 months, but who is counting, right? I have been through a lot growing up and it doesn't matter who has had it worse or better. I don't really give a shit about that, because what matters is what I do with my shit not others. I don't think there is anything left inside of me for compassion, or any desire to open dialog. The truth is that my dad died along time ago inside of me.

Have you been there when the world comes crashing down, when the sun doesn’t shine and everything around you lacks any color. The world becomes a mixture of gray and black and all the beauty around is gone. There is no trees, birds or anything of value except a bottle and a jar of pills. I knew I crossed that line and there was no turning back. I remember this day in my addiction because it was about the time I lost god. My whole life began to spin out of control and it lasted for to many years. I remember coming out of rehab 33 1/2 days later and on the way home I couldn't believe how green the trees were and how the world was full of color. I felt as though someone had kidnapped me and locked me in a basement with no light for years and now I was at last set free.

get rid of amends

I rock

I am starting to jam at my work. I know it is not just me pulling the strings, but it is god. The big guy has been hooking me up and for that I am grateful. I have been in the trenches for 2 1/2 half years getting my ass shot off. I have been praying hard not for money but less stress and today I feel good.

Phoenix

I am so tired of traveling around from city to city. The older I get, The more it takes out of me . I was in and out of Phoenix today visiting plants and working with my reps. This was a nightmare today, because I had such little time to spend with everyone, but I did my best. I was a little wirey this morning, because of my lack of sleep and lack of food. I haven't been eating dinner on a regular basis, or breakfast for that matter. I need to get back on schedule.

watching

I still feel people "friends" are watching me. They all look at my eyes as if they were looking for my old ones, blood shot, yellow and dilated. It is a really weird feeling and makes me uncomfortable. It seems as though they still have little trust in me now that I am sober. I guess this may or may not ever pass. But the last laugh is on them, for today I am sober.

Self

In the beginning I loved myself the more I drank. It made me seem funny and it made me a lot of friends. I felt as one with my true self. Not long after I hated myself. I did everything I could to end my life short of putting a bullet between my ears. I would be in bed shaking with DT's asking god to take my life. Today, I like myself more each day because today I am sober.

life on life'e terms

My wife is having a hard time watching her friend go through what she did during my final days of drinking. I think she has been replaying the last few months of my drinking in her head. Our priest friend came over to talk with my wife and prayed for this girl and her husband.

tarzan

How Tarzan got his yell..

loss

We lost a guy today, who was the program. I mean a guy who lived his life the way the big books says. The same fire that ran his addiction ran his recovery and he kept it simple. He helped me as well as countless others and today he will be missed. He is finally free from this disease with his god.

visitor

The head designer from our company is flying in tonight and I am making him catch a cab from the airport to his hotel. Why? because we are going out with friends to celebrate my wife's birthday. Things like birthdays are more important than trying to make sure a grown man can make it to his hotel. I am sure I will hear about it tomorrow from my boss, but for today that's ok.

hot dogs

There are several ways too present your hot dog and this is not one.

Daytona 500

Today, there is a lot of drunks at the Daytona 500 and my father is one. My redneck brother took this photo today while standing on the turn 2 fence.

out of the hole

For the first couple of years of my sobriety I have in in and and of a mental hole. The mental hole that is a result of drinking everyday for years. I have battling back to get to a competitive edge, the edge I need in my business. Since being sober, I have been working on building my relationship with god, and family, leaving my business on the bottom. That needs to change a little..

wasted

Right when I got home from my trip last night, my wife handed me the baton and she left to go out with her friends. I was tired but I waited up for her anyways. She got home around 1:00 and was wasted. She could hardly stand and she kept taking about shit I couldn't understand. I asked her if she had fun and she said she had a blast.

She is not an alcoholic but a normal person that can drink once in a while. I guess life has a funny way of turning the tables on you, because my wife was the one who stayed up late waiting for me to get home, but that was almost every night. It sucks but that's life

Home

I felt a peace when my plane landed in SD. I have weathered the storm this time, and didn't drink. I went to a meeting last night in Mesa AZ and it's was in a rough area. I am use to these areas because that's where I would find a place after hours to drink or buy drugs. I really needed the meeting last night and today I feel great..

cocktail party

I was at a cocktail party tonight and had to get out after an hour and half. I just can't relate to people after they have had a few. I am not on the same wave link and they know I am not. I think it makes them uncomfortable and that is a problem. The people that I deal with in business are known for their drinking. I really have to pray on this because it seems dangerous for me.

happy valentines day

alcoholics and addicts have the biggest hearts .

body

If you are thinking of getting a tattoo or body piercing check out this website first. click for the link

more women are becoming nuns

Which one of you sober chics are next? click for video

clubs

When I was drinking I use to power down shots before going to the clubs. By the time I got there I was drunk. I would continue drinking until I could barely talk and thats when I would try to pick up the ladies. There were a lot of nights I ended up alone and one of the last to leave.

not right

My neighbor always goes to the beach surfing with his kids and they always bring back starfish. I hate it because its such a waste, they pull them off the rocks and throw them away a few days later.

try outs over

Well here is the score sheet 3 pop flys and he missed 1, 5 ground balls flawless, however his throws to first base were limp. Finally hitting, he had to bunt on the first hit pitch (machine) and missed it, then he swung away and missed 4 more, his swing was good though. I felt like crying because last night he hit all most every pitch at the batting cage. My wife wouldn't go because she couldn't deal with the stress. I told her when I got home that it didn't go so good and she was a bitch to me the rest of the day. She said I should have worked with him more. I felt I had failed my son, but he didn't seem to think so.

baseball

The try outs are today and I have said a early morning prayer. I asked my son how he felt this morning about the tryouts and his reply was I win either way. I thought what the hell is he talking about you either win or lose. He said if he made triple A he would be happy because he made it to the next level, however he would not be one of the best players(10-12 years old). If he didn't make it he would be playing with 8-10 year olds and he would be one of the best players so that is also good. It was refreshing to see my son look at the tryouts as win win situation.

blog lock

What a trip I have experienced blog lock. It is a result of spams or someone who erroneously report my blog for whatever. I wasn't able to post at all for 34 hours. The friends at blogspot were able to get me back running. Thanks. My oldest son has his baseball tryouts tomorrow. I have him about as ready as I can get him

crocs on blocks

It sounds seuss, but I got these crocs at the Denver Airport. My brother in Florida wears them and he is a redneck, so I always thought that they were redneck shoes. I decided to try them out because they were so cheap and I was curious. I was shocked how comfortable they were for a $30 dollar shoe, However I still prefer my birks. posted on HNT

check it out

MY TOP 8

21 secondary sins

If you take the 7 Deadly Sins from the bible and arange them around a heptagon and label them A-G, and then connect each sin to the others, you end up with 21 secondary sins. Some of which might give you good ideas. Lust+Gluttony=Editble Undies, Lust+Envy=Adultery, etc. OK, a bunch of them you should probably stay away from. (Via BoingBoing)

get control

I have so many things going on in my business that it's exciting on some aspects and overwhelming on others. I have an assistant that is located at our corporate office, which happens to be a three hour difference in the time zone. So she basically works five hours for me. What sucks is I can't get rid of her because my boss won't allow it. He has hired twenty year old chicks to work the office, so he has something nice too look at during the day. OK, I don't get to see them nor care too and they have been fucking up email to my clients and messing up projects. I have been doing all the western regional work on my own. I would delegate the work to them however they don't know how to use excel. I thing my boss should screw paying rent for a office and just move his blanket party to the beach. This is me just whining if you have not figured it out yet. The difference today is that I writing about it instead of drinking about it.

melt down

I took my youngest boy to preschool today and he had a major fit. He just started freaking out about being at preschool. He was screaming and kicking saying he wanted to go home. All the teachers and parents were watching my son kicking a wall and screaming at the top of his lungs. I felt like I was a inch tall. If someone right then offered me a drink I would have slammed it down. I just took him straight home, because my head was spinning out of control. My head still hurts from the whole ordeal. It is a bitch sometimes dealing with life on life's terms, but the alternative just isn't worth it anymore.

bears

What a shitty game, the bears gave it away. That sucks... The photo is "a typical "colts fan that is celebrating tonight.

stay on your side of the street

I am getting sick of these dumb ass opinions people are leaving on peoples blogs. What the fuck gives you the right to tell someone via blogland how to work their program. I am sorry but the only direction I take is from my sponsor and that is the way the program works. The facts are not everyone in AA runs a honest program, so why would you take advice from someone you truly don't know. I love all the people who have 20 years-50 years etc, but all we have is today bitches.

baseball

I have my son ready on the hitting, but there is a lot of work left on the fielding. I wish my wife never put this guilt on my shoulders. If he doesn't make try outs next week my wife will lose respect in me and that sucks. I don't perform well when you put too much upon my shoulders. I have carried enough on my shoulders during my drinking years and that about wiped my ass out. I am not sure what to do about this situation because I feel there is no way out. How can she blame me for something that is out of my control. This whole thing is getting me pissed off, so I am going.

troubles headed to florida

addiction

My addiction to alcohol and drugs almost did me in. Now life in sobriety I feel good with the exception of another addiction, nicotine. This is also killing me, and I don't see quitting in the future. I am really trying to set out a game plan, but I feel this is one of my last vices and I don't want to let it go.

position master

Wow, I always needed something like this, so I can maintain the minimum effort. click here for the link. Also posted on HNT

got fucked up along the way

When I saw this slide show Today, it was as if I was seeing my past in front of me. click here for the link