airport

Here I am at the airport again. I am on my way to our company's anual meeting. I am tired of flying on sunday's. Anyways I am intoducing a elearning program for our company so I hope that goes ok. The good news is I am staying with my brother. I opted out of the hotel gig.

distorted

In my distorted view I wish I was like nacho libre. I want to be someone who my boys look up to, a hero. I have been a side show act during my days of drinking and now I am struggling to be a man, a dad.

change

Change is about doing things differently. When I stopped drinking everything I did previously had to change. I find myself now redirected to my own thing, my own company. I am gearing up to grasp life with a passion based on something I believe in and not what someone else believes in. So I am working on the beginning stages of my company. This effort will take me into December, however I am sure it will be a success as long as I am sober.

over

I am so over this whole job thing. I should be grateful to be alive. I went to bible study last night and they talked about how god would walk every night with adam.I would love for him to walk with me.

Shell Bound

I have been retreated to my shell for the last several days. I having been beating myself up for the blown opportunity. Things come along once and while and you have to make sure you are prepared otherwise you will lose. I am a competitive person and probably a sore loser, but that's the way is goes. I need some closure on this soon.

my trip to NY

The only good thing about my trip was that I got to say a prayer at ground zero.

what happened is that I left my questions on the subway. They fell out of my file, what kind of luck is that? So at the end of the interview I was a little stuck..

blew it

I think I blew the job interview.

exit

This is a shitty deal, why do have I have to live with constant doom of the next drink? It seems to follow me around everywhere. I know when I crossed that line, however I just couldn't cut down on my drinking. It's was after that point it began to take over my life and now it waits for me to make one mistake. Step 1.

I am trying to prepare for this new deal early next week and I just need more guidance from god. I fear change when actually I should fear not changing.

reaching for the best

Well I have the interview early next week and I must fly to the NY. Everything is starting to move forward and I feel like going backwards. What the hell is that all about. This will be a big move out of my comfort level, so it compounds everything. I am really trying to stay positive.. I have been praying a lot and that isn't a bad thing.

today

I had fun watching and playing baseball with our neighbors boys. We sat and watched my youngest son practice and then we all went to another field to throw the ball. You could tell how much they missed having a dad.

I am in the isolation stage again in my program. I don't know if it's the lack of hours or the lack of effort. I must keep moving ahead and add another meeting during the week.

the survivors

What happens to the survivors left behind after an alcoholic has his last drink or an addict his last fix? They move on as best they can and others help raise their kids. While the alcoholic looks down wishing for another chance that won't happen.

I got a call today from a friend, her husband died from drinking about a couple of months ago. She told me that her boys wanted me to teach them how to throw a baseball and wanted to go to the baseball fields with me and my boys. I told her I would be happy to take them starting tomorrow. Her husband never taught them, however it was on his list. I am so sad for her boys.

shopping

photo by nick koudis

I went shopping last night for food because we were running low. Now that the boys are getting older the cost of supporting them has increased dramatically. What the hell can you do? I haven't heard a thing about the job, so I assuming nothing is going to happen. oh well..

meeting free

I am at point in recovery where meetings are not whats keeping me sober any more. God is keeping me sober by his belief alone. That is a twelve and final step in this block. I am enjoying a one on one recovery which god provides. I don't have to listen to pariahs any more.

sports insanity

We have six games to attend tomorrow. 2 soccer games, 3 baseball games and 1 football game...This is a result of 3 boys playing 2 sports...

relax

I was hoping to relax tonight however I have to work on a strategic marketing plan for an opportunity. I am sitting at my sons practice trying to catch up with life.

cool

Man this heat wave has been brutal. The deal is anyone living near the coast probably doesn't have a/c. Temperatures climbed a little to high for no a/c, it felt as though I was in hell. I am an alcoholic so I know what hell is like.

The job offer is back on my plate again and I am beginning to feel like I am playing a ping pong match. I have prayed and I will leave it in the big guys hands for now. Also I am coaching my sons winter baseball team, well assistant coach. It is a start for me.

halt

Let's see daave was right..Hungry: My eating habits almost don't exist. Angry: a little at other people. Lonely: All the time. Tired: Whats not being tired.. Wow, I will start today by eating.. It's easy to forget to look for the signs, but shit I have them all. I think I need a overhaul on my program.

bad results

I went to a meeting tonight and about passed out. I don't know what the deal was but heat and my body don't go well together. I had been out in the sun all day with the boys playing baseball and my body temperature felt like 110 degrees. I was ready to implode all day. On top of it my sleep is still at a minimum..

football 36 to 0

my son's team beat the hell out of Torrey Pines.. Yeah...The video is of him intercepting the football..