Alcoholic Card

My wife lately has been puling the alcoholic card anytime she doesn't like my behavior. I know sometimes I can be an asshole, but so can she. The alcohol card is getting very old, its like her trump card against me. It amounts to saying something hurtful for no other reason than just plain spite. I will just go in the other room to avoid her when we are both in this mood. The kids have her number down big time. They act like something is a big deal when its not and she will react in her meansest behavior me. They laugh because they know that their in control of a woman out of control. It is hard being with the same person who witnessed all the wreckage. The forgiveness can be forgotten at any given time. Oh well........

Convention

I was at a convention all yesterday and everyone were getting or already fucked up at the cocktail networking thing. Over 5,000 people, there and all types of liquor permeating the air. I used the phonelist a couple times till I found the people I was suppose to take to dinner. They were waisted and my tolerence was running on empty. I told them I didn't feel good and acted like I was going to my room. I quickly call aa central and they guided me to a meeting at a alano club. I went into the meeting and it felt like I was sitting in a place where it was safe. The discussion was about how the steps should be talked more in the meetings not just at a step study. I didn't care what the topic was, because I was sober.

Head Spin

I needed a meeting bad my head was spinning. I gave the little man more power today and it kicked my ass. He knows when I give it to him and he uses it against me. My wife called and I got pissed off because she didn't understand what I was trying to tell her. There I was on the pity pot and accomplishing nothing, I became worthless. The more I tried to gather my thoughts the more fear I felt. That's the worst when the fear has a handle on you. I went outside and sat down and let god have what I couldn't control. That's part of it of the deal with me control. I know its not suppose to be in my hands, but it is just so hard giving the controls away. I called another alcoholic to tell him what my deal was and he asked if I was sober and I said yes. I felt a release of all the things that were bothering me. I felt a strange but comfortable calmness fill my body. I keep those last weeks and years in the front row seats of my mind.

Another Monday With Dale

Dale Carnage class wasn't so bad tonight for some reason. There is a lot of ass kissing to the instructor for what ever reason. I have given up on trying to win another pen or to get ribbons and stars on my name tag. It just seems to take a great effort to try and I have to conserve my energy to stay awake. I don't know if I am just to worn out lately or I just have some disease that is slowly killing me. I feel good about the way I handled myself at my job today, because my boss wanted a argument and I didn't give it to him. My sponsor is calling me for a change instead of me calling him every day. I have been at this sobriety life for 497 days and looking forward to another day as long as I don't pick up that first drink. That is only trying to stop once and that was May 17,2004. I looked up to people that had 450 + days, when I had just 30 days. I now look up to someone who just has put together a few days. These are the people that keep me sober. If there is one thing to be selfish about it should be your sobriety.

Commitment

I am sick of having to bring the cake every damn sunday. I know that commitments are good and it forces you to go to meetings, but it sucks. There has to be someone who wants to take it from me, maybe not. I agreed to take it with no specified end date. Maybe thats why they laughed when I took it. I was basically forced into the deal. Its hard for me to be committed, because I have so many commitments. Well if this is one of the ways to keep me from drinking I guess I will suck it up and hopefully soon someone will step up.

Katrina, Drink

This is wacked how could these assholes be doing this Katrina Drink It is not a joke but is real. These lawyers are gutter trash and should be completly disbared and do some serious jail time. There are a number of anonymous programs out there. I guees if they help you than its good. Its just to many things to worry about. This one is one I could possible join as a second program Twix, I love candy for some reason.

Everything Is Good?

I went to my sons soccer games it was a good begining. Everyone was happy and laughing. Some friends were all going to take their kids out for pizza and invited us. I was feeling like maybe if I went I could have just one beer with the guys. I could show my wife I could just drink one and that would be it. My mind began setting the whole thing up of how I could pull this off. The only problem that I wanted more not one as many as possible to make up for lost time. I am a thirsty person by nature so why not a couple 3 or 4 and I could drink these prior to going to the pizza place. Where would I go to drink them so my family could'nt see me. Fuck that my mind was setting me up for a relapse, I decided to go to a meeting.

Hurricane Rita

I hope George W doesn't play keep away with the food from the children in Texas as he did in the New Orleans SuperDome.

Barbara De Angelis Guru?

I went to a book promo at the Seaside Church. The church was a meta-physical kind of feel good type of church. I believe alot of Hindu mother godess stuff. I was basically raised by the Jesuits. She was damn good and very spiritual and genuine. As she spoke it seemed like the verbage was running a similar path. That path was the big book, what a trip. I bought the book for my wife but now I want to read it. "How did I get here" thats the book and thats what I have been asking myself after 40 years of watching a movie play out that I am not in. Thats why her thought of finding the internal peace before we find it during death and how we think of ourselves and others makes sense. There is the puting the pen to paper and basically a 4th step layout she gave for life. It looks to be a good read. She can hang with her higher power and I with mine, but this woman is on a spiritual mission and its all good stuff.

I Love My Kids

My oldest son came home from school sick. We had to pick up my youngest from preschool because he jumped off some play ground equipment and landed on his head. My middle son is ok for now. My may have broke her foot in Taekwondo. I am sober so I feel fine. I will have to pray for the sick people. That is in the big book.

What was I Thinking

I battled with the template world and I was schooled. I am an alcoholic and it will be done my way on no way. Where did it get me, no where. I will focus on the stuff I need to instead of being an asshole. I am still sober after this ordeal. I was up in Beverly Hill for a lunch meeting with a rep that wants us to hire her firm. I saw the restaurant and made a turn across two yellow lines sure shit Beverly Hills motorcycle cop came up behind me. Shit I thought, I cant afford a ticket right now. I showed him a drivers license, insurance, registration and decided to play dumb. He explain why this was illegal and I explained why it was not for 6 mins while a small crowd grew. I ended up with a warning. Everyone congradulated me, because the Beverly Hills cops only let off women. The person who I had a lunch appointment with was in the crowd. She was very impressed. We went inside to have lunch. She was an LA chic throwing all the terms scientology etc. I deflated my ego for the better.

Thursday Nak

Here is your naked thursday

AHHHHHH what the hell happened my comments have been destroyed.

I feel like I just woke up from a pod. My legs and arms have become useless because of there weight. There was lighting last night blasting all around our house. This was the best lighting they have had in over 20 years. The kids were up all night as well as my paranoid wife. She thought a tree was going to fall on our house. One of my problems even while drinking was people pleasing. I would loan someone money and they would'nt pay me back so I would get a resentment. Most of the time I gave it to them to get away from me.

Fuck this

This Dale Carnage class is killing me. Tonight the idiots kicked my ass again. I swear I would prefer torture maybe even decapation instead of this class. I am again at the receiving end of my ass tonight. We had 60 seconds to prepare this 2 min proposal using using this flow chart of the Dale terms. Fuck I thought, as I began writing it out, it seemed that my mind was moving in all directions. Then the dumbass coach ( a person taking the class for the second time there to help) started talking to me about some random thing as the clock ticked. I was about to rip his head off, just then the instructor walked by he noticed my anger. The instuctor asked me how it was going and I said it would be fine if the coach would shut the fuck up. They both looked at me as if I was the asshole. Now I had two additional resentments and I had 20 seconds to finish. My mind just halted, and it felt like being at a factory at the 5:00 p.m. whistle. I was panicing and getting more confused. The stupid coach dared me to do it without a parachute (my notes) and it seemed like a good idea because I didnt have any notes. It was my turn and I butchered it, hell my 6 year old could have done better. I wanted to retreat to my seat but the instuctor made me stay up in the front of the room till I finished. I managed to make a complete fool of myself in front of a class of rejects. I finally finished in bits and pieces and I was so mad , that I wanted to cut these bastards throats. I prayed that this would pass and it did for a while. I feel worse than I did prior to taking the course.

This will be the last time I will but these types of idiots on my blog. I just can't help it because I seen alcoholics and addicts die in front of me. To some it may seem a joking matter, but for me its life or death. I know what it does to your brain cells first hand my memory is still in bits and pieces. For this baby guessing 9 to 10 months the brain is still developing and being given alcohol or drugs is a criminal offence.

Watching the kids

I told my wife she could go to this craft thing at Michael's for 4 hours. She left and it just me and my three boys. About 20 mins later two additional neighbor kids came over. This was just way two many kids around the same age to be in one house.The rooms were getting messed up one by one. I started cleaning after them however I was just going in circles. I need to get away my head was spinning. I walked outside to smoke a cigarette and play with the dog. After about 5 mins my facial color returned to normal. I wasn't sweating and felt calm. I watched the kids from our outside windows for about 1/2 an hour. It looked like hell in there they were all chasing each other around. The door bell rang it was the pizza man. The kids finally sat down and ate there pizza quietly. The neighbor kids are eating up all our food drinks etc. I decided to send the neighborhood kids home before I said anything mean. I feel sorry for my wife a little because she is with the kids all day. However they listen to her a hell of a lot more. Plus anytime I ground them she lets them off. She also buys them whatever they want. It pisses me off. This is one thing I have to let go for now it wasn't long ago when she wanted a divorce.

Step Study

We were on step 7. "Humbly asked him to remove our short comings" I was talking with my mom on the phone prior to getting to the step study. She told me how humble I was not just now but basically all my life. I felt if there was any time she has been right in her life it was tonight. My head was filled with various humble deeds I had achieved in the past. By the time I got to the meeting I was on the same spiritual level as a monk in Tibet. I felt more in control of myself than ever. Especially while standing out front of the meeting place talking to others. I was the hardcore one they weren't; their life's were filled with cotton candy and mine frozen metal whips. After all the pleasantries (learned at Dale Carnegie) we all filed into the meeting. As each of us read I began seeing my short comings flash by in front of me like a powerpoint presentation. I began feeling strange,lonely and withdrawing, crawling into this empty place I once found as a refuge. When I shared it was about my office moving to behind a church and how I thought this would stop all my short comings. How every time the priest would stop by and talk with me it felt like it was tunnel vision and he was accelerating not towards me but away. Then I stopped I passed the share and when we closed or prayed out. I helped clean up and left. I was scared.

I Got your Naked thursday

Naked Thursday? I am in a fucked up mood and I have been thinking about my kids and somehow this fits!

Meeting

I had to interview a potential rep this afternoon. So I had the person meet me at a restaurant. I was sitting at an outdoor table over-looking the ocean in southern California you can't beat that waiting for the person to arrive. I saw a man coming towards me and he introduced himself, he was the person I was waiting on. We started talking and then told me he had to use the mens room. The waiter came so I ordered a diet coke and a appetizer. When he returned I already had my drink, so I asked him what he wanted to drink. He said he already took care of it. Ok I am starting to like this guy already. The waiter came over to our table and handed him a beer. He drank the beer slowly, way to slow for me. However after the 1st one was finished he order a second one quickly. I look at his hands and noticed they had a slight tremor to them. The second was faster and when he order a third I started to feel uncomfortable. After half of the 3rd beer was finished his hands were as still as a surgeons. After the meeting had ended, we parted ways and I felt so empty inside as I drove back to my office.I am really thinking about hiring his firm.

Where is the Sanity

I really wonder how this could happen. I been with people who gave there kids alcohol and drugs, but not at this age. My father gave me alcohol at 7 and a joint at 8. Somehow this seems so worse, maybe because I don't want to see anyone suffer.I would beat the shit out the adults involved as well as the journalist who printed this. As always the innocent get exploited for someone elses gain. I pray that this girl got the treatment she needed.

Another Dale Carnagie class completed. The class i...

Another Dale Carnegie class completed. The class isn't as bad as it was in the beginning. Believe me it still is not fun getting stuck in a room with normal people that can't make their lives better. These people have only one thing I don't and that’s the ability to drink just one glass of alcohol and stop. Everything else I hold the advantage, for Christ sakes alcoholics and addicts are the best sales people around. I will be glad when the class is over as well as my 4th step.    

My boss told me to build a data base out of Access 2003. The last time I built a data base was in college.Thats not counting alot of ACT contact data base work. I have been working on this so long my eyes feel as though there going to pop out of my head. I am still sober which is surprising after I have to start all over, because my 3 year old deleted all the files I had. I went to the store to pick up some cough medicine. I came back and gone gone gone. My 6 year old had a soccer game and scored his first goal. He was then on fire all game smiling from ear to ear. It is all about working hard to get past our fears and when we have conquered them we will to feel like my son.

Men cannot see their reflection in running water, but only in still water.
-Chuang Tzu, philosopher (c. 4th century BCE)    

I am sorry but what in the hell is GW doing to help the US Citizens in the gulf coast after Hurricane Katrina. I guess they think all the drunks and addicts deserve death. How about a little 12 step work GW. Since GW's big book is the bible with a revision date of 1984, I guess we all are in a hell of a spot. Being able pray to god is one thing being god didn't work for me.

There is one think for certain I can get a resentment faster than saying something nice. I have truly believed that everyone is out to fuck me in some way or to try to kill me. As they say alcohol was only a symptom of the problem. I have been going back and forth into old behavior. I am getting better at catching it, prior to causing damage. I have watched myself especially around my kids. How fast my mind can spin out of control and catch me off balance. It is not easy for anyone that is even normal to have to help raise 3 boys that are 3,6,and 8 years old + a female lab. Our house is a disaster the majority of the times. Not from just our kids but the neighborhood kids as well. In our house we let our kids be kids, we don't hide toys in closets. The kids have 2 rooms the family room they watch TV play board games, all the cars and trucks you could want, arts and crafts area etc. and another room for legos, Thomas train track, game cube, PS2 etc.

I was talking with a friend of ours tonight and sh...

I was talking with a friend of ours tonight and she said her brother is an alcoholic. He brags about his drinking ability as though he should be proud of it and his ability to drive a car under the influence of alcohol. I told her his joy of it will not last and then it will be for survival, just to be able to make it through the day. Then you will watch him dying right in front of you and there will be nothing you can do. He will drag you down with him not out of love but out of desperation and just plain being self-centered. There is no disease I know that can destroy not only the infected person but also the immune people around. I remember when the down spiral began and I lost control of something I never had control of. I hope one day I will talk with her brother and maybe we will go to a meeting, and work through some steps that will change a person’s life, a life we never really had drinking and using.    

Today I feel pretty good. I need to start going to one or two more meetings a week. Its just really hard with everything that is on my plate. However ignoring that meetings are an important aspect to my sobriety could be a dangerous game. I just need to find a couple new ones. Change is always a good thing in my life now.

Again today it seems as though all I have is just ...

Again today it seems as though all I have is just quality problems. The kids, the wife and I went to the beach today. It is only a couple miles from our house and we just don’t go there enough. The reason is with 5 people, there always seems to be a spoiler.  However, we had fun, very little fighting and the boys had a blast. I never did things like this while drinking. I would be the spoiler and they would just go without me. I need to get my surf board repaired and start getting out in the water. My oldest boy wants to start learning.
  I feel tired because I have stayed up every night for some reason. I think it has something to do with step 4. Yes the step I haven’t completed. All the things are starting to slowly filter into my mind. I am going to try my best to have everything down on paper by the week.

It seems every month we have some kind of additional expense. This month we had to replace the above the range microwave. I was working on it when my wife decided to call some someone out of the yellow pages to do it. She saw how frustrated I looked and it made her nervous watching me. By her hiring someone I felt she didn’t believe that I could do this and I had an immediate resentment. I began feeling worthless for a stupid microwave. Well the help was late so I decided to start doing it myself well by the time the help got there I was almost done. I showed her or did I.I still feel that the guy who only drilled a couple holes got all the credit. Hell I don’t know but I am still little pissed of at my wife for not believing in me

Today is another tod

Today is another day of being sober 473 days. I have yet to finish my fourth step. Tonight at my step study we are on the fifth step. I always feel bad when it comes to my turn to share about a step I haven’t completed yet. I always share what I can relate to in the step. However some people look at me like shut up idiot you have not completed the step therefore you cannot share. What is the difference from someone whom has completed the step and someone who feels he has read the step enough to understand it, however hasn’t shared it with his sponsor, maybe a lot. But still regardless of step study, cakes, coffee, chairs, comments etc., Alcoholics/addicts are the complaining, crybaby, whiners, that all think, what they say is important. Hey I am a little bit guilty to, but I try to stay on my side of the street in what I say or think I know. Anything I have to say may not matter at all to the next person.
    

The "little man" my boss finally left back to the east coast. I am finally free of his mind torture. I wanted to kill me or just beat the fuck out of him. I think he expected a battle, because thats what I usually give me. I have mimicked him on the phone which pissed him off big time. I wrote emails telling him what he needs to do etc. Thats the way I work, but for some reason, I let him act like he was the boss. I listened to his advice on how to manage my office in a more effective way. How to plan my day etc. Was this me? who was this guy being tolerant to others. Maybe I starting to see the real person that I am. The thing that really bugs me is that I feel like maybe I dont hate him after all.